[book reflections - emotionally healthy spirituality] the temptation to say yes to ministry - Blog # 5

    

For the past 8 weeks, thanks to my friend Chloe, I've been taking a course called 'Emotionally Healthy Spirituality' based on the book of the same name. I was struggling through what to blog about today, like I do every Thursday/Friday, but I thought it would be really fun for me to reflect on the past 8 sessions through my blog. I honestly really liked the book, and I think it changed a lot of my thoughts on what it means to grow as a believer in Christ.

    It's not like a book review, it's just my journey through each chapter, and a space for me to also be accountable to God, myself, and others about the real changes I need to make in my life. I think something I realized is the ripple effect of community. No one lives in a vacuum, even if you are the sole person on some deserted island, you will have an effect on the water, the environment, the air, and life surrounding you. For us, if one person decides to not wear a mask, that choice affects everyone else around them. If one person doesn't choose to get a vaccine, the same also affects everyone. I'm not here to make any moral judgements on that, but I'm simply stating a well-know fact: your choice is not your choice.

    Your choice has ripple effects.

    Your hands create and destroy.

    I want to have a better experience of life. I'm tired of rollercoaster faith that brings me to new spiritual highs before dropping me back down. Luckily, God has given me a more tempered and even experience as our relationship grows, but I think that's still dependent on a lot of external factors that I wish weren't involved.

    In Chapter 1, I love the anecdote author and pastor Peter Scazzero shares about a church couple that invites him and his wife out for lunch when they are both extremely tired. Pastor Pete accepts the invitation because he doesn't want to seem unloving and his wife doesn't want to seem unsupportive.

    Stopping there - I thought about the times I've been exhausted mentally or physically, but I feel like I need to offer something I don't have because I'm afraid that I'll be a bad witness of my faith, a bad friend, and more importantly, I wouldn't be liked anymore. I have a false sense of goodness to put my desires and needs on the back burner because it's for others. "Love God. Love others." I mean I don't want to fail 50% of that command, but I think I forget it's love others as you love yourself. It's "I want the best for them like I want the best for me naturally". 

    I need to pause. It's not easy for me to be still mentally. 

    "Would I want someone else to give up their rest for me? Would I want them to only agree to help me if it was at the cost of their sanity? Would I want that for them?"

    One of the worst parts about taking on things God never asked you to do is the victim narrative you will spin for yourself. "They [my church, my small group, my [insert role]" are being so draining. They're always asking me to take on more roles. I'm exhausted. Poor me." Did God ask me to take on ALL those roles or just one or maybe two? Maybe God did call us to take all those positions, but if we are only connecting and searching for God before we start anything only to give up in the middle and end then we aren't be sustained by God. We're sustained by fear, ego, worldly responsibility, opinions, pride, and self-imposed/society-imposed expectations.

    God asked me to die to myself: my ungodly wants, me-first lifestyle, and sin.

    God never asked me to die to myself: the unique human being that I am who needs to be spiritually nurtured, emotionally healthy, physically well, socially stimulated, and intellectually challenged. 

    I think I misunderstand humility. It's not a call to be stepped on.

    It is understanding the greatness in which you were called and the goodness in which you were created, but choosing to not use that for your selfish gain but for the gain of others and God. 

    I'll be honest: I'm asked to do things for my ministry and my community. I'm (sometimes) asked to lead game time during events, be a small group leader for conferences/retreats outside of my normal small group leader events, to speak about my experience as an applicant for grad school, to mentor undergraduates on my career path, and other things I honestly don't remember. I'm grateful that people would see me as someone capable. I'm thankful that they see someone who is trustworthy and reliable.

    Again, I want to live up to their expectations. It's good to help others. It's good to be a leader and mentor. I'm really happy to do it too. I love connecting with people. I like hearing about their experiences and using mine to strengthen them. I love to encourage others. It brings me purpose and joy when I do.

    Sometimes, there's moments where I'm praying or thinking about a position or role that's being asked of me. One of these things were to lead a group of freshmen girls in a small group along with my normal small group. I was hesitating on taking on this role, but I struggled with myself. 

    "You have the time, Grace. Stop making excuses."

    "You're just being lazy."

    "Are you sure this is what God wants?"

    "These girls need you! Who's going to take care of them?"

    "It's just another hour in your week. Are you really going to be productive in that one hour anyways?"

    I felt bad for the feelings in my heart. I shouldn't be lead by feelings. I was taught to lead by fact, fact, and feelings were like the sprinkles on top (a nice addition but never necessary). I think this book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, has taught me the importance of feelings. It is the right alignment of them that I submit under God, but I do not need to minimize my feelings. If I don't feel right about something, even if it looks good on ministry papers, I need to check in and ask why my heart is not at peace.

    If it's because of school, I need to think about the work I have, whether or not I procrastinate, and if that's actually the concern on my mind. For this case, I wasn't worried about classes or school work.

    Time. Was it because I wanted the time to myself?

    No, I honestly wanted to be able to lead a small group - but two? I know God called me to the one I was serving now, but I wasn't sure if I was being asked to take on another. I wasn't able to say this with peace in my heart. I never felt like this was something I wanted to do. Again, that confused me. Should I lead with my feelings about this?

    "Just cause you don't want to lead two small groups, you shouldn't?"

    A small group isn't just one hour or even two hours. You pour your energy into your members. You spend time thinking about what to speak on or share with them. You need to be engaging and present. You have questions ready to help them dig deeper. You, of course, need to come equipped already knowing biblical truth to a certain extent and ready to answer their questions.

    I kept feeling wrong about this, I wouldn't be taking on this role out of strength and faith.

    It was out of fear that I was doing the wrong thing if I didn't take on this role and fear that if I didn't accept this position that they would be doomed. I realized that the temptation wasn't to reject being their small group leader, it was the temptation to accept it that was bothering me. 

    When I talked to my staff about it, we decided that it was better for me to focus on my ongoing small group from the last year. It was a decision that I'm so happy I made because a few weeks later I met a girl who had heard the gospel but was still on her journey on accepting Jesus as her personal Savior. I was so energized and passionate about meeting with her to do weekly bible study. I wouldn't have had that energy or heart to love on her if I had decided to go along with what was asked of me. 

    I love this story because it shows me that our feelings shouldn't rule us, but we should always dig a little deeper on what they mean. We should have our emotions and desires under the lordship of God, and I felt peace that God was allowing me to make this choice. God knew me. I needed to trust that. I needed to know that God knew I wasn't flaking out, and God saw me in that wholeness.

    I've also been asked to become DPD, or a campus leader, for my fellowship club twice. I struggled through those times where I questioned myself and my intentions. I wondered if I was putting my grades about God, but didn't God put me here to be a student as well? When did being a student go on a lower priority than being a leader? I think they are both equally valuable, and if you neglect community or college for the other then you may not be stewarding God's gifts well (emphasis on may). I also proved to myself and God that I was happy and willing to sacrifice my time, energy, and investment into my faith and campus community. It wasn't about that, then, and again, if I accepted this position, I would be doing it to 'prove' something that was already true.

    It was also, again, my desire to put my full force and energy into being a small group leader. It was one of the things I felt strong about. I was able to use my love, compassion, drive, and planning into the lives of my members. If I took on the role of campus leader, I would personally be drained, unhappy, burdened, and unable to perform either to the best of my ability. I decided from my feelings and that understanding of myself to reject something that seemed good, again, on paper. 

    I hope that people don't read this and feel like rejecting any ministry opportunity that comes their way, but I hope that they wouldn't just jump into 'yes and amen' only to end up leaving that faith or community disillusioned and empty. When people ask me to do anything, I always try to tell them to give me some time to pray/think over it. This isn't always a luxury, but when I do get it, I ask for it. I ask for an hour if that's all I'm given. It doesn't matter if it's a big thing like grad school or even leading a 5 minute prayer, I want to come to God first to ask if this would be His will for me. I want God to know I see Him. 

    If God is calling me to do something, I want to respond to that.

    If God is calling me not to do something, why do I hesitant?

    Why is doing good and being still bad?

    For others it may be the opposite, perhaps God is telling you to stop thinking so much and start doing. I think people change 'stop thinking so much' to 'stop thinking' and that's incomplete too. I believe God wants us to be thoughtful, reflective people who push for action and change from the space of stillness. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, and it's not. Think then do.

    God has created us with the capacity for both.