It’s been a full year since the
pandemic hit New York City, and I’m honestly confused to be typing this out. I
think when quarantine first started I felt so many emotions. Suddenly, I was
taken out of school, my parents weren’t working anymore, and my social
interactions were all happening over Zoom.
Reflection # 1 - A Very Bitter
Quarantine
Can I be honest? I felt so mad at
people who went outside still. We were supposed to be under lockdown, and even
when the restrictions loosened, I was confused and enraged that people I knew
would still see their friends weekly if not almost daily. It made me mad at
people I love a lot, and to me, the answer was easy, just stay home. I wanted
to scream. Are you kidding me? You’re so
selfish. You’re killing people. What’s wrong with you?
It didn’t matter if they were staying
six feet apart at all times or wearing their masks the entire time (they
weren’t for the most part), I couldn’t have it in me to feel anything but
resentful and bitter. Part of it was jealousy. I wanted to go out too! I missed
my friends a lot, and it hurt my feelings to see them hanging out without me.
It wasn’t like I wasn’t asked either or I’m pretty sure they knew I would say
no even if they did ask, but it still hurts. It dug at my insecurity that my
friends didn’t miss me (in my eyes), and I needed to wrestle with that. I
needed to know that my friends loved me, but it was okay if they didn’t invite
me to things, pandemic or not, and even if they didn’t love me, I would be okay
too.
Then part of it was just
self-righteousness. I’m good because I stayed inside. I wore my mask. Etc. Etc.
If you keep up with me on my social media, you’ll know eventually I did see
people, but this was before all of that. I struggle with my pride a lot. I want
to think of myself as someone above all the noise. I’m not like them. I do what I’m told to do. I have more self-control.
I’m better.
God loves to humble me, rest assured.
So, as I prayed to alleviate the burning anger I felt
within me, God let me ask myself if I ever did anything selfish. Did I ever put
myself before someone else? Was I any better than anyone? I couldn’t talk
myself out of it. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I choose myself a lot more than I choose
other people. Even staying home, if I used it to add another gold star to my
name, then I was still choosing myself. We were the same. It sucked to think
that. There were moments where I would hear that those same friends would get
COVID or be exposed to it, and I wouldn’t feel love. I wouldn’t feel empathy. I
would feel some twisted, ugly form of justice and of ‘well, you deserved it for
going out’.
I feel bad for saying that now, but it was just the
truth of how awful I allowed myself to be in my false self-righteousness. I
wonder if people will be uncomfortable or surprised even, “Grace thought that
about me? About others?” Yeah, I did. Sometimes I still do. I’m not perfect. If
anything, I’m the furthest point from perfect. I can act and say all these good
and kind things when inside there’s so much evil and brokenness bubbling under
the surface. I cling to legalism instead of the gospel of grace. I needed God
to show me that wretchedness so I could stop this internal witch hunt and be
humbled under the presence of Jesus again.
Now, I’ve gone out a few times. The sinful, prideful
part of me says, “Still less than other people.” The other part of me says,
“Wow, so now you can do whatever you want?” Then there’s a part that meets in
the middle that says, “You miss your friends. Stay safe, of course, for everyone’s
sake. It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and if it is don’t come
at it from a place of judgement or shaming.”
Something God has taught me from battling those
internal demons comes from one of my favorite stories in the Bible. To be fair,
I have a lot of favorites, but this one comes from a conversation between Peter
and Jesus.
The story goes:
17 The third time he said to
him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus
asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all
things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.
18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went
where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and
someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” 19 Jesus
said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then
he said to him, “Follow me!”
20 Peter turned and saw that
the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had
leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to
betray you?”) 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”
22 Jesus answered, “If I want
him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”
23 Because of this, the rumor spread among the believers that this disciple
would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I
want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?”
24 This is the disciple who
testifies to these things and who wrote them down. We know that his testimony
is true.
John 21: 17-24
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Okay, so this story is so fun! It’s not even really a
story, it’s more like a situation, but let me explain to you with a sprinkle more context. So,
we know that John the Baptist wrote this down since this is his chapter. Jesus
has asked Peter, one of his twelve disciples, if Peter loves Him. Peter’s like
yeah of course, but he gets defensive and hurt when Jesus asks him two more
times. “Do you love me, Peter?” Finally, Peter says something so profound that
I have to pause now and I pause every time I read it. “Lord, you know all
things; you know that I love you.”
I don’t know why it’s so impactful to me, but it’s
like the simple faith and trust of that statement. I can imagine the sentiment
of that. Jesus, you know me because
you're the Son of God. If I was lying to you, what would be the point? You know
me. I love you.
Then Jesus hits Peter with the reality of loving him.
It is not an easy, comfortable kind of love. It is a love where you lay down
your life to serve others, and one day that love would lead him to his very painful
death. A death that would be used to glorify God, but not a death that would be
preferred or enjoyable (if there was an enjoyable kind, I guess).
Then Peter spins around and points to John. I LOVE
JOHN. I love that when he refers to himself, in his own book, he adds in these
details about how loved and important he is to Jesus. He calls himself the one
whom Jesus loved. The beloved disciple. I don’t think it’s from pride, but it’s
just what it is. Yeah, he’s loved by Jesus, and what? So are you. Get over it! So, the
detail he adds about leaning back against Jesus basically says, I was the one sitting next to Jesus. I
just think stuff like that is so funny.
Anyways, so Peter brings John into the conversation
because John is probably in the background like:
He’s like “Okay, so I’m going to die a painful death
for you. What about John?”
Jesus responds, in my mind, “Who cares about John? I
can do whatever I want with John. I can have him raised back from the dead if I
wanted. You follow me. I can tell John to stay and you to go, you don’t need
to worry about what I tell him, follow what I tell you.”
I like to think Peter was so mind blown by this idea that Jesus could bring John back to life if he died, taking it out
of context and its full meaning, and telling everyone that John was going to
come back from the dead because of what Jesus said.
Then John is like, Peter, you dumb-dumb. That’s not
what Jesus meant. It was an example for you to understand, and so the last
verse is John talking about himself: This
is the disciple who testifies to these things and who wrote them down. We know
that his testimony is true.
OR “Hey, it’s me John. I’m here to tell you that was
not true. We know that I’m legit. Let’s move on from these rumors.”
I took you through that story A) because I love it and
I wanted to share what a spicy and fun story it is in fuller context and my own imagination and B) I’m
like Peter. Who do I follow? My friends? What Jesus tells other people? The
world I live in? New York City guidelines? No, I follow Jesus. Jesus wants me
to obey Him, and I don’t need to get myself twisted when other people don’t do
the same things I do. Maybe Jesus told them to go out. Maybe Jesus told them to
stay in. That’s their relationship and obedience to Him, and I just need to
focus on my own obedience. They know the same things I do. They know the same
Jesus that I know. I don’t need to be mad or upset that they’re not doing what
Jesus told me to do.
I’ve gained a new sense of myself out of this
wrestling. I have a clearer picture of my own brokenness, and the judgement I
heap onto others when they don’t follow the rules I have for myself or the
things Jesus tells me to obey. It’s a struggle I need to continually deal with
and a struggle Jesus will never stop delivering me from. I’ve also gained more
empathy, and I think about how it’s easy for me to stay home. I like my family.
I like my home. I’m an introvert by nature. I have a cute dog to play with. I
have WiFi. I have calls with my friends that nourish my soul. I am always with
God. It’s not perfect, but I have so much goodness and a natural inclination
that God has given me to enjoy that good.
Maybe you don’t. Maybe you have half those things.
Maybe you have all those things, and it’s not something you enjoy. God has
allowed that, and God has allowed me to have it easier and for some people to
have it harder in this situation. So, I take off my Judge Judy gown and gavel,
come back to the ground, and I allow myself the space and grace to have my
heart be changed.
Reflection #
2 - My Grades through Faith
I really struggled with the adjustments when it came
to class, my Organic Chemistry professor was pressed to ensure there wouldn’t
be cheating during our exams, and there was so much pressure on us to be able
to learn online and take exams quickly while being watched from our screens.
Our exams were so hard that after one of them my friend finished her online
exam (which lagged, didn’t let you submit answers more than once, and had a
whole slew of issues) she cried in her bathroom. I felt like crying a lot during
the all-nighters I pulled to only get back a 52.
The thing about online class is that people will find
a way to cheat. There’s only so much the school can do when we’re at home and
in our own space. It’s just not feasible to stop everyone, and I felt the
pressure to succeed especially since I was applying for graduate school too. I
would do things like turn off my phone during exams, but I knew that group
chats would be nonstop texting about answers. It was a constant temptation
because who would know? It was easy. Everyone else was doing it. It was a
pandemic. It was hard. I had a whole slew of excuses ready to use, and that
made the situation all the more dangerous.
I act like I’m talking about drugs or something, but I
just wanted to have integrity before God in my studies. I wanted my grade to be
my own grade. I wanted to study hard and do well because that was so rewarding
for me, and I knew God wanted that for me. He was pleased to know that I didn’t
cheat for Him. Not so I could hold it or my grade above others. Again, it would
be a lie to say I never had moments where I was completely honest. I tried. I
tried the best that I could under God’s grace and strength, and I could’ve just
given up so many times. I could’ve not even tried or struggled, but I did, and
that’s success to me. That I would at least want to be different, that I would
at least resist, that sometimes I would actually succeed, and that God wasn’t
disappointed with me whether I got the grade or not.
As I head into optometry school, I want to be a person
of integrity. I don’t want to skip ahead for my own ease. I don’t want to cut
corners on patients or procedures. I want to be someone people can trust even
for the smallest things, and I want my word to mean something to people. I want
people to know that I’m not naturally like that either, it’s not out of my own
goodness or character, but something God continually imbues me with so that He
can be further glorified.
When I don’t cheat, I feel like I’m saying, “I love
You, God. More than the A. More than the GPA. More than the acceptance letter.
More than my own gratification right now. I’m sorry for messing up before and now and even in the future, but You
don’t hold it against me, You let me try again with more and more help. That’s
why I want to do this because I want the freedom to choose loving You.”
Reflection #
3 - My Savior (Complex)
I think I naturally want to help people. It’s a good
thing when I can do what I can to get them out of situations or help them even
feel better about bad things that happen. I love my friends especially, and
that can get really tricky when I try to save them. It’s toxic when I need to
impose my own ideas of what’s best for them, and I feel like I need to convince
them that I’m right and they’re wrong (but for their own good, of course).
I feel like it’s on me to make them see the light. If
I can’t save them from themselves, then there’s something wrong with me. I need
to do more research. Say this line. SOMETHING. Otherwise, I’ve failed my
friend. I’ve failed my small group members if they don’t learn about God
through my leading. I’ve failed myself because I should’ve done better.
I worry that if I’m not here, people will fall apart.
It’s strange to put it like that. Into words on a page. On the other hand, is
it that they would be the way they are without me or not? Does it matter if I
was there for them? Again, I think I have to meet in the middle of the chaos.
No one needs me, but I am able to be a blessing onto their lives if I choose to
be. I am not the end-all-be-all and I’m also not some poorly-drawn background character
that makes no effects on the course of their stories. It’s hard to find the
balance between the two extremes, but something I loved hearing once was:
everything in moderation except for your love of God.
I’m encouraged to be passionate about what I love, but
it shouldn’t take over my life. I’m allowed to push my friends, in love and
gentleness, towards decisions I think are best for them. It’s okay if I want to
help people with my support, finances, or anything else. I’m just not meant to
save them. I’m just not here to force anyone to be anything that they aren’t,
and I need to leave their lives and those results up to God.
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I’m getting tired of writing and kinda hungry, so,
these are a few of the things I personally journeyed through with God. It’s
messy. It’s more honest and chaotic than I wanted to express it as. It’s
hopefully funny and relatable in some moments. It’s just me, the person I
really want to embrace as God intended, and the hope I want to share that these
many moments and seasons of sin and struggle held so much victory in store for
me and it will be the same for you too.
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