Destroy, Rewrite, and Partner with - the same problems always arise if you always have the same solution - Blog # 10

Lately, I’ve been really working on my emotional and mental life with God. There is no self-growth I want to do apart from Him because John 15:4 says “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” I want to bear good fruit from the Holy Spirit that dwells within me, and that is only possible in and through Jesus (Galatians 5:22-26). 

Some things I realized about myself is that I don’t need to be “seriously” in trouble to seek help and take away bad habits. What I mean by that is no one needs to be dangerously depressed, anxious, or mentally/emotionally unhealthy to receive help. I realize that many of us put an arbitrary level of insanity we must reach in our lives until we are either finally willing to seek out help or until we are actually unable to keep going on with our lives without help. 

I think that sentiment is so sad because that is nothing close to the abundant life Jesus has promised us (John 10:10). I’m reading this book “Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It” by Leslie Becker-Phelps (phD) along with “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero while looking through both in the lens of the Bible. It’s definitely not an easy read because of the painful self awareness you have to journey through, but it’s so life bringing to me. If I’m being honest, I feel some shame in bringing up how messy my inner life looks, but monsters that stay in the dark also stay ruining your life and relationships with God and others. So, I’m sharing so that hopefully anyone who reads this knows that not only is everyone a mess but I, myself, am a mess too. We have solidarity. 

Something Dr. Becker-Phelps talks about when she mentions stories of her patients are how they’re at a point where they’ve experienced such serious problems to the point where it’s therapy/making changes and nothing else. Their lives and the lives of people they love and care for depend on it. I think that’s so unfortunate and sad that we leave our emotional wounds festering to the point where we are emotionally on the brink of death before we seek out help. Of course, it’s not easy to deal with if you have a mental illness, come from a culture that doesn’t believe or validate emotional problems, or have trauma, but that doesn’t make it any less upsetting to see. I want to live the abundant life Jesus promised us, and I don’t want to only see it realized in the new heaven and earth. I am claiming it as a fulfilled promise in the here and now on behalf of everyone who cannot or is unwilling to because that is how badly I want to see lives changed. 

Anyways, I came to the realization of some of my problems through my own openness, trusting in God to make a way for me through this wilderness, and my sisters in Christ who made me feel safe and loved enough to talk about my ongoing struggles. I think it’s so scary how innocuous our thoughts can seem as they whiz through our mind:

• She’s so much skinnier than me. I wish I didn’t eat that much.

• Her relationship with [insert] is so perfect. Why can’t mine look like that?

• They’re so faithful in ministry. Why do I struggle with my sins so much?

• He doesn’t notice me because I’m ugly/fat/stupid/can’t use their/they’re/there correctly (LOL @ all my friends who correct my grammar/spelling from my blogs I love you). 

• God doesn’t care about me. I’ve messed up too many times. 

• I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be alive, and if my family wouldn’t be crushed I would kill myself. 

• Etc.

I think we’ve all had some similar trains of thoughts that pass by our brain like clouds drifting in a sky, but I don’t want to have such a passive existence anymore. I need to know the power that comes with being one with Christ. I need to take captive my thoughts (I imagine LASSOING my thoughts or grabbing them and laying them at the feet of Jesus) because I’m not a victim to anything anymore. 

I absolutely love how 2 Corinthians 10:5 put it “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

I got chills reading that! Wow, how active our role is in basically ripping apart lies (I’m not good enough, Jesus doesn’t love me, I’m not important, I’m weak, I’m only one person, no one cares what I have to say, no one will ever love you, you will be alone, your friends don’t want you here, no one will miss you, no one likes you, you're going to mess everything up, you’re only good if you’re useful, you’re a failure, you’re less than them, Jesus holds this sin against you, you will never break free from this sin, you’re better than them, they’re more sinful than you, they’re holier than you, they don’t need to hear the gospel, you’re strong enough to resist temptation, if you had a partner you would be worthy, you can be mean to them if they’re mean to you, etc.). 

Let’s try to go through a mental exercise [the thought is that you feel useless and unimportant for example]: the thought flashes past your mind and instead of letting it drift off, you reach out to grab it into your hands. You look to Jesus unsure, “Am I really that important, Jesus? What if what they said was true? What if what I think is true?” Jesus' eyes are so gentle yet strong, and there’s no hesitation in his voice. “When you forget the value you hold, remember the price that was paid for your life. Mine. What was invaluable, perfect and holy, I was happy to have given away for us to even be standing here now.” 

Jesus urges you to take the thought, and it squirms as it tries to wriggle out of your grip but you hold firm to drag it to Jesus’s waiting hands where he takes the thought bubble and crushes it into fine dust, but he doesn’t leave you empty-handed. It is now replaced with a brand new, shining thought filled with the truth of the Gospel about exactly who you are to God now that you have received Christ.

I love Jesus. I am so amazed at how he does this for us again and again until every lie is replaced.

I believe that we have a reciprocal role in our part to CHANGE. Not say you’ll do better. Not tell your pastor/youth group leader/diary you’re healed. Not pat yourself on the back for thinking about doing something different. It takes honest, raw, and gut-wrenching repentance that comes from knowing how little you are serving yourself in the buffet of life God is offering over to you.

It takes prayers upon prayers, counseling, small groups, accountability, reading your Bible, watching sermons, reading books, and surrendering to God the yuck that is so embedded in you.

I’ll be honest about something: I am honestly starting from a place better than most. I have a happy family. I’m doing well in my school. I have friends. I’m rooted in a community. I was created to naturally be open, childlike in faith, and hungry for change in my life. I am very privileged in full transparency, but I want to use that privilege to tell others that do not have whatever I do have that this is all possible and within God’s realm of power over their lives. I am nowhere close to perfect, but my story is my story for a reason and my voice is also loud for a reason.

On a different note following that train of thought, I have been practicing a form of dealing with my own painful experiences through the lens of God. It’s talked about briefly in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, but in essence, you rewrite your history. It’s such a strange title, but I can’t think of anything that suits it better. 

You rewrite your life.

Why is this important? Why does it even matter?

Your history is not just a memory in the past. It's living and breathing in the way you talk, walk, and interact with the world. When you break a bone, your body remembers even if you've gone through the surgery and physical therapy. Your body carries the memories of your life. It's not a haunting concept, it's just one I've had to eventually accept. Yes, I am a new creation in Christ, but in that process I need to remove anything old off of me. I need to look at the history that defines my life with a new lens.

If you know Jesus, there is not one area where He doesn't reach into and touch. If that's true for the present and future, why is your past exempt from this?

Again, I will walk you through this practice:

I have anxiety about my friendships and relationships. I feel a hint of uneasiness when my parents aren't within my immediate vicinity. When people do things, I take it as a personal issue on my part instead of their own issues. I also feel the need to protect myself, and that no one is here for me but myself. No one can know my personal pain that deeply even if they wanted to, and I need to make life happen for myself if I don't want to end up a failure.

I let myself experience those emotions: it's all coming from a place of fear.

Next, I’m usually sitting down or lying down, and I let my memory play in my head. I’m a kid again, and my parents are busy or away because of work. I know they would be with me if they could, but I just miss them. I wish they were there not just in that moment, but always. I invite Jesus into that moment/situation, and He appears in the kitchen to cook me some eggs (I love eggs). He gives me them, and then he walks me to school. That’s it. It’s enough to get me to start crying (and even now tear up), and I don’t get it. Jesus didn’t make it so my parents were always present in my memories. That wasn’t what happened and pretending it did would be a lie to reality and myself. Jesus just showed me that in the moments where I felt like I needed someone, a parent, that He was there. He didn’t just leave me alone. He was there. He was so present and didn’t let me leave out of his protection for a moment.

It made me cry because that’s all I wanted: to know that someone was present and emotionally available to all my needs. I didn’t tell Jesus to do any of that, but He just knew what I needed to see. I didn’t just make up a story to make myself feel better, it was just Jesus who showed me the reality of the situation. I no longer had the first person POV as a child, but I was seeing a glimpse of what God knew was happening. I got to rewrite my history of a lonely childhood: I was loved not only by my parents in all their human limitations, but I was loved by Jesus who was ever-present and ever-watching over me.

It was such a strange, strange experience. I’m not saying that this is in any way a biblical truth on how anyone has to deal with their past, but I’ll be honest for my experience: something shifted inside me. It’s not perfectly aligned yet, but it is closer to being there whether by a centimeter, an inch, or a mile. God is rewriting the history that I knew with the same situation, people, and me into a brand new story of full redemption.

Praise God for everything that He does for us.

I am so thankful. I am so eternally grateful. I am being continually transformed through Christ.

This is an example of one of the many ways God has never stopped his work in me, and there’s honestly so much more. I hope that whoever reads this will know in full power and authority that Jesus is just as present in your life as He is and was in mine. There is real change if you are real with yourself and God, and if you are willing to partner with God in that journey. Who likes to work alone? I promise this won’t be a group project where you pull all the weight, in fact it’s the opposite, but God wants you to take part in it because He wants to share in the glory, riches, and honor that comes from taken a broken sinner into a redeemed, full-fledged child of God.

If you’re not ready or if you are, let’s pray together:

Lord,

You are an awesome Father. You’re the kind who plays catch with us. You don’t fall asleep during the movies. You know all about our major. You are so powerful and still so loving. You never missed a moment of our lives. You’re here and always ready to accept us in all our flaws. I know that You know my life has been a mess. I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve hurt myself so much. I’ve hurt people that I loved and even the people I wanted to hurt, I ended up just making things worse. I know that even as I try to pray to you, my mind is full of reasons why I’m not the problem here. They weren’t perfect either, God. What about them? Why am I the one here? I don’t know, and maybe I will one day but for now I need to trust you. That’s why I’m even here. Not just here on this blog post, but here on this earth. I am still here because if I didn’t think You were real and You were good and You were any good at what You do, I would’ve dipped a long time ago. It just wouldn’t be worth it. I could be chasing relationships, money, success, power, fame, and happiness. Something keeps stopping me short. Someone keeps bringing me back to You. I wish I could stop thinking about You sometimes because life would look a lot easier, but I know in my heart that’s not true. I need You to be here. I need it so badly, but I’m scared of what that’ll look like and I’m scared of the person I’ll be when it’s over. I don’t know where all this is going, but help me, God. Trust You. Believe You. Know You. Love You. Obey You. Follow You. God, help me out. I’m asking so please answer. I’m begging You, please do something because I know I’m not able to do anything about it. I offer whatever I have of my life and myself to You as scary as that may sound. 

Thank You for listening, Dad. 

Amen.