Shame used to be a big part of my story.
I felt ashamed about the person that I am. I’m talkative. I’m funny. I have trouble telling stories because my memory sucks. I like to learn about people: psychology, attachment styles, give me your enneagram, and tell me about why you felt disappointed today. I also love to post on my social media because I think my life is so interesting. My dad is the best cook. My mom is my best friend. My dog is an angel in disguise. My brothers make me laugh. Look how crunchy my fruit bowl looks. Yes, I did read an article about tiny cameras you can swallow for noninvasive treatments.
My world is technicolor, and I love sharing my life and seeing everyone’s life.
I used to feel really bad about it though. I would think about how other people would post maybe once a day. A pretty sky. A nice cup of coffee. Their vaccine card. Why am I not like that? Should I be like that too?
So, I spent some time watering down my own rainbow because everyone else’s looked so different. I hated it because I felt like it was inauthentic to me, but I didn’t want to seem ‘extra’ or ‘too much’. No one wants to feel too different, too special, or out of place because maybe then you’re too different to be loved. Sometimes, I don’t want to be myself if that means people will like me.
I started to miss when my friends would message me in reply to what I posted, threads of random conversations that happen. I feel so much connection and joy from these moments.
“I’m reading that devo too!”
“Where can I get that?”
“I love that song.”
I don’t post because I need an external validation, but it’s because I love how it connects me to the people in my life that I don’t always see or hear from. They get to share in my story, and I get to be part of theirs.
Part of the reason I wanted to stop posting as much as I liked was because one of my friends said I was excessive in my posting, and it was like the confirmation of my worries. Ah, I’m doing it again. I shamed myself for the way that I like to express myself and my life. In the same way, I wonder if I’m too passionate about God. I’m an outspoken person. I am a huge advocate for what I believe in, and I’m not afraid to share how deeply God has changed me. But I can feel rejected from the people outside of my community, and honestly I feel different than some of the other believers too.
They practice their faith quietly. They go to church, small groups, serve in worship, and do all these great things without it being a main identifier on their social platforms. I wondered if I was doing this whole thing wrong. Again, was I being too outspoken? Did they think I was trying to seem holier for sharing a verse that spoke to me? Was this the millionth time I mentioned the way I saw Jesus in some inane moment of my morning?
I felt so distraught within myself.
The thing about me is I don’t want to be extraordinary. I don’t ever dream about being famous. I don’t want people to know me if I don’t know them. I don’t want to see my face, my name, or my anything on any billboards or flash before you on your 30 second ad. I don’t even want to stick out in your mind for more than a few seconds because I just want to blend in, but the part of me that’s real and honest keeps fighting back.
God kept bringing people in my life, the Word kept coming to my mind, and I was continually affirmed that: I was made in a reflection of God. I am an image-bearer of the most beautiful, fantastic, awesome, and most extra of the extraordinaries. I look (inside and out) like my favorite person and objectively the best person in the whole universe: Jesus! God who wrote a whole book, the Bible, to express His love for us. Sent his beloved Son on a cross for us. Spent the entirety of creation and still now to share His heart with us. Why wouldn’t I want to look like that image?
God didn’t make me to be anyone other than myself.
I’m not better than anyone, but I am different than everyone.
It takes courage to be yourself when people will make it seem like parts of you that don’t fit with them are strange. It takes courage to say, “No, I am beautiful. No, I am not too much or too little or anything by God’s standards in Christ. Yes, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yes, I am a broken sinner, but those parts of me are not broken so I reject the lies others don’t even know they’re telling me.”
It’s hard.
People don’t do it to be mean most of the time, but I’m closed for opinions when it comes to the parts of me God made to glorify Himself. I also know that the people who walk with God and walk with me will help me address the sin that hides that goodness. Someone I loved told me that they didn’t like something about my features, they said it in a mindless way like an off-handed comment, but I told them: “No, I’m beautiful. That’s how I look. I’m happy with the way I look.” There wasn’t anger or bitterness. It wasn’t a debate either. Just a declaration of truth that I am so pleased to embrace about my life whether it be how I post, what my personality is like, the way I express myself, and how I look.
I am able to respond to people who give me their opinions of me with love and honesty. If there are things I need to change about myself, then I try to be pliant, slow to listen, and quick to make amends. If there are sins that I need to deal with, then I want to come before God and my community for accountability and support. If God is pleased and I stand under the humility that everything good from me is only through Jesus, then I can stand in that truth (good or bad) without becoming defensive or angry.
So, I will post fun conversations I have with my friends. I will share music I like. I will share the gospel through my story and heart. I will love boldly, for no reason, and share my love without returns expected. I will live in the fullness of the person God has made me to be. I will be honest about who I am, what I believe, and who I believe in. If my life is a beacon to Christ, then I will try my best to live unashamed to shine in all that brightness. I do not love myself because I am most important, but when I love myself in all my being, I am able to love others in all their beings, and most importantly, loving God who created us from His own Being.
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