When I make a mistake, unintentional or not, I think it takes a toll on my mental health.
I think part of it comes from my pride: I don’t want to be seen as someone flawed. It also comes from a deep insecurity I have about being smart. I went to a high school where your grades were one of the defining features about you, and I was not a high performing student. I would feel embarrassed constantly about my grades because in comparison to my peers, I would not be doing well. I felt like my worth and value to the world was so small, and even to this day, I carry that around.
Sometimes I make mistakes of judgement. I say something too quickly when I don't get all the facts straight. I made a judgement on someone that wasn’t based on reality. I thought too highly of someone that was just human and going to disappointment. It makes me question everything I know about myself to an unhealthy point.
I told one of my best friends that at work my co-worker pointed out a mistake I made to help me, but I was filled with a sense of dread, shame, and spiraled when my co-worker was just making sure I was doing my job right in a kind and professional way. I felt bad that my co-worker had to check me, and I felt bad for making the mistake. I just felt bad about everything. I think my job, working as a physics content creator, has brought out this side of me, 15 year old Grace, that I hate, but I realized that’s why I need to keep working there.
Every correction is a moment for me to experience God’s grace and my own.
I’m someone who thrives off (flexible) plans, and so I’ve decided that when I make mistakes I will evaluate what happened by four simple metrics.
What was my intention? AKA Did I mean well? Was it unintentional because I was lazy or just a simple oversight?
Did I own up to my mistakes/apologize? AKA What part was my responsibility? Am I taking on responsibility that is not mine? Am I acknowledging that I will not always be perfect?
What will I do about it in the future? AKA How can I avoid the things that lead to that mistake? What can I do in addition to what I did to prevent those things from happening again?
Does God forgive me? Yes. So, I’m able to forgive myself.
Maybe it’s just me who feels this overwhelming need to be perfect and beats myself up over the moments where I mess up, but I actually applied those four steps after I accidentally did something that my friend wasn’t happy about. I quickly apologized and remedied the situation, but I felt the weight of what happened bother me incessantly. So, as I asked myself those four questions, I was able to let go.
Instead of letting my thoughts stew and spiralling into this intangible threat, I looked it in the eyes for what it was and I was able to challenge myself to grow in that experience.
This is part of my desire and journey to grow into an emotionally mature adult!
I really feel like a walking ad (I wish), but my Emotionally Healthy Spirituality book really gave me a clear vision and steps I can take to grow into the abundant life Christ has promised me.
The Emotionally Mature Adults:
Are able to ask for what they need, want, or prefer - clearly, directly, honestly
Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings
Can, when under stress, state their own beliefs and values without becoming adversarial
Respect others without having to change them
Give people room to make mistakes and not be perfect
Appreciate people for who they are - the good, bad and ugly - not for what they give back
Accurately access their own limits, strengths, and weaknesses and are able to freely discuss them with others
Are deeply in tune with their own emotional world and able to enter into the feelings, needs, and concerns of others without losing themselves
Have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider the perspective of others
Of course, this is a lifelong journey and I’m only 21 (22 tomorrow!), and I want to give myself that grace and mercy to make mistakes and grow as I learn the ropes of adulthood. I’m glad I’m able to be honest about the ways I’m lacking, take action, and submit that journey under God. I am strongest in my weakness because Christ comes in and bridges the gap of who I am and who God has made me to be.
Comments
Post a Comment