My 4-year College Testimony - Blog # 13

  Today, I finished my last final of undergrad! It’s been a whirlwind experience, and I was talking with a friend I made 3 years ago in a summer pre-health program. I realized how easy the finished product looks when it comes to posting about our lives. It’s easy to see the person before you only as they are now almost as if they came out of a factory like that. 

I definitely think I’ve been open about my journey, but maybe you don’t know my story. Maybe you know snippets from Instagram posts. Maybe you know every detail! I want to share this in hopes that 1) it will glorify how good God has been in my life and 2) it will show you that there is so much to someone’s life and journey beyond what you think/see and encourage you and 3) for my own memories.

So, let’s go by years:

Freshmen Year: Made New in Christ

A lot happened! I joined KCCC (now called SOON Movement), I made a bunch of new friends, and I got baptized. (The poorly done edits are for my friends who couldn’t make it but were invited!) I’m so blessed to have been surrounded by the people I loved as I took this chance to publicly claim my faith. I remembered crying a lot as my friends can also tell you about. 

When you get baptized, nothing magical happens in the sense that I’m still in the same body and still Grace. Something inside you changes though. I believe it. I believe that it’s like how a marriage ceremony looks like two people making a public commitment to one another. Sure, they could still say it privately, but there is something so beautiful about sharing your love for one another. It’s the uncontainable joy. The way you want to shout out to the world: I’m yours and you are mine. 

If you have not been baptized, please consider doing it! Baptism isn’t only a command from God, but it’s a signalfire of the pride of belonging to Jesus forever. It’s something so special, and I hope and pray that you would see how beautiful it is to share your love as a declaration. 

The great thing about God is that He is the faithful one through and through. There’s nothing that can stop Him from taking you through the journey of being perfected in Christ. It’s almost scary (LOL) like a bullet train of purification that you’re on. I think my freshmen year was marked by hope! A lot of hope in God restoring the brokenness in me. I had hope that God would be the love I had been looking for. The brink of a new journey is always exciting. I couldn’t get enough of God. I was constantly reading the Bible, watching sermons, attending Large Groups, and hungry for the newness God was drawing out in me.

God makes you alive. Living and alive are such different things! It’s like taking your first deep breath of air. That’s the only thing I can think of. Those were the things that marked my freshmen life.

Sophomore Year: Things Fall Apart

Freshman year was such a strong start. I was surrounded by a great community of believers. I had upperclassmen as my mentors and friends. I was doing well in my classes. I don’t know when it hit, but at some point the group that was around me started to dwindle down. We had lost that initial spark. The fire that was once blazing had now cooled into barely noticeable embers. 

The hardest part was seeing people leave. What happens when the life you thought you committed to involves a lot less of the community you came in with? I think it was hard because I thought we all were in this together: fighting to make God our #1 priority. There were still people - who I’m realizing were the “Remnant” of Hunter SOON - but it’s super tough to see so many people go. 

I’ll be honest. I was mad. I was resentful. I was bitter at them. I could’ve been studying too! I had other plans I could’ve been doing. I wasn’t just free every Wednesday, I had to plan and decided to show up. This really hurt my internal relationship with my friends. I outwardly acted like I was fine with their choices and even supportive, but I wasn’t. I felt abandoned. It was such a stark reality to what had happened my freshmen year. 

I had decided to serve this year too, and it didn’t help to feel like I was serving a dying ministry. I honestly hate that I was so...unhappy? God was still good. People were still there. There was so much to be grateful for and I was always focusing on what was lost or what hope had died. I just want to be honest though, ministry life can be so painful. 

Another thing: watching people who stepped up and made commitments change their mind can drive you crazy. You think to yourself: “Why do I have to keep my promises then? They didn’t even tell us. They didn’t care about us. I don’t know anyone. I thought I did. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I joined. I thought I knew who I was partnering with. I thought promises meant something.”

Ugh. 

It really got to me honestly. You’re still grieving over one thing, and then life hits you with another thing to grieve over. How is that fair? What could I do? Why ask me to serve if it’s going to be a terrible experience, God? 

Remembering this season now is still painful too. It grips at my heart.

Life with God is not perfect. It’s not glamorous. It’s a commitment to be committed everyday no matter what everyone else is doing. It’s the season where you have to let all these hopes and dreams you had die for God’s real work to begin.

I think I remember a moment where I was praying, and God asked me: “Are you only here if everyone else wants to be here? Who are you here for? Why are you here? What will ground you when nothing is going the way you planned?”

God had really seen my heart. I was so lonely even with the remaining members. I thought God’s plans for me would be hard, but you realize that you can never expect how hard it’ll be. Only then will God finally change your heart. 

The truth is that there were so many faithful people still around me. They were feeling the same way, and they understood the struggle too. They were all with me through that season, and I’m glad I stayed. I’m glad that I didn’t give up because God wanted me there. I was able to see that my friends who were gone weren’t trying to hurt me or leave me. It wasn’t about me. It was the journey God was taking them through. 

That was the year I really bonded with Nicole too. That's the thing about me and her. We were there through the sophomore storm. We had each other. We knew how hard it was to not give up when that’s all we wanted to do (or all I wanted to do at least). We had come in with these great expectations that were long gone, and I think that’s something no one else but her and I can really know and share in. I’m glad that she was with me through all those moments. Although from the outside we can look so different, on the inside we are both: preserving, faithful, driven, and strong girls in Christ. 

We can’t look into anyone else’s journey, but we know that God is faithful to each and every person. We can trust God, and be faithful to His calling for YOU. Comparing journeys never brings any joy or peace. I’m still learning that. I’m still learning to yield to God’s specific calling over my life alone.

I really had to ask for forgiveness and repent about the anger I held towards some people too. They were just doing their best. They were in their own seasons. They were learning what it means to walk with God through the valley of the shadow of death. I needed to know that no one owes me an explanation, and I don’t need one to be loving. Seeing the best in people is what Jesus does for us all the time.

Junior Year: The Wall

So by Junior year, I was in full swing of my faith. I had gotten over the problems of sophomore year, and I was ready to really take on my role as a small group leader, member of my ministry, and share the gospel with more people. I was sharing with my friends, classmates, and students on break waiting for their next class. There was a pep in my step from getting out of that dark season, but there was something that God needed to address in me that I had no clue about.

It really happened at Higher Calling 2020. I was a small group leader this time, and I found everything going a lot smoother than my freshmen year. Still, there’s always this desire in me to be the best I can be. I cared about God being proud of me. I care about me being proud of me. So, I poured and labored into my members as much as I could because that’s who I authentically wanted to be.

The problem wasn’t with my small group, but it related to an inner block I felt within myself. I couldn’t focus at all. All the songs I sang were just words in a melody. Nothing was really moving me deeply. I didn’t get it. So for two out of the three days, I really just did the motions without experiencing any of the joy, blessing, or peace I wanted to. 

I was restless with God. Was it about my future? Was it about my life? Was it about my performance as a small group leader? I kept asking God to open my eyes, but I felt so numb and unaware. I kept pressing in, and the last night of the conference I realized that everything I had been doing was for someone I was actually really mad at and didn’t believe in. 

I realized I had a false image of God.

I was idolizing God?

How did that happen?

At some point in your faith, you may realize that God is not living up to your expectations. It’s not that God is not working the way you want Him to it’s that God is not working the way He should work! It’s a time where you really have to question who YOU even believe in, and God opened my eyes on that last night to the reality that I resented the version of Him that I made up.

For the past few months, I had been sharing and praying about a friend that was not “being saved”. You have this formula of God in your head. God wants people to be saved + I shared = they are saved. I obeyed. You should do something now. Where’s my results? Where’s the promise? 

God had failed me, and I was blocking Him in my heart because of that.

Only when I let myself be mad, did I realize this was all fake. God wanted me to see that I was serving a version of Him that wasn’t real. It was so jarring to see that, and I found myself in shock. When the pastor speaking that night told everyone who wanted to surrender their life to be a missionary for Christ wherever they want, I couldn’t contain my crying. It was so audible. A cry that I didn’t want to silence as I grieved this idea in my head, asked for forgiveness, and accepted the calling God was asking of me with a renewed heart and mind.

It was so freeing to know that God was still so patient and loving with me.

I knew that God was present and working in my life.

March 2020

The pandemic hit my junior year, and it really surprised me how sudden everything had changed. I can’t believe we’re just getting out of it now, but I took my promise seriously. I reached out to 88 people virtually over Facebook along with the other soonjangs because we had to do outreach to the freshmen class like this. I wanted to see the fruit of God’s goodness in my life. I wasn’t willing to be half-hearted. God made me a passionate, driven person for a purposeful reason, and no pandemic was going to stop that.

I ended up talking to 2 out of the 88 people, and we talked about SOON and their life. The way they opened up to me was only done through the work of God’s heart for them. After scheduling separate ZOOM calls, I got to share my life and hear about theirs. As we talked, it was amazing. For the first girl, she received the gospel immediately. When we talked about praying to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior, I knew that so many people had watered and cared for this seed because she accepted Christ over our call.

For the second girl, I had prayed for her for 40 minutes asking God to reveal her heart to me and to prepare me to share with her. The most interesting thing is that for her, God had told me that she was not ready yet, but in time she would be. So when she told me over our call that she wasn’t ready to believe at the moment, I felt the peace and confirmation of God’s previous answer in hers. It’s amazing what God will speak to you. So, I continued meeting with her over ZOOM to do bible study, and she eventually prayed also to receive! Right now, we lost touch because she stopped responding to my messages, but maybe that’s as far as I was meant to take her. I am so grateful for that opportunity that God had given to me.

This wouldn’t have been possible if not for the pandemic. As much pain and suffering as it caused, God refused to let any situation go to waste. Everything that happened was not God’s will, but God allowed it for something greater to happen. I won’t pretend that I haven’t questioned God a thousand times, but is it bad if I think a pandemic was worth it to bring those two girls (that I know of) to Christ? Again, if I could have it my way this wouldn’t have even started, but it did. I could either mope, complain, and groan feeling rightfully deserving of each complaint or I could see how God had brought ALL things together for the good of those who love Him.

Senior Year: …?

I honestly could say so much about my senior year. It was entirely spent in a global pandemic. I got into graduate school my Fall semester. I spent way too much time playing Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley. There is so much I could share, but I think I would simply say everything I went through was worth it to get to here and now.

There is nothing I regret. Nothing I would change. Nothing that God did not allow without purpose and meaning. I think that everything had to come together exactly like this, and the “what ifs” are just passing thoughts in the span of my lifetime. I value every lesson I had to learn. I’m grateful for the way people have lovingly challenged me and rebuked me when I was going the wrong way. There is something wonderful about trusting the process when God is the one wholly in charge of it all.

Do I hate being in some seasons? Of course.

If I ask Jesus, I don’t think the 40 days fasting in the desert would be the happiest times in his life.

Each season has value IF we choose to see it through. If we choose to trust God, there is never a time where God will be the one letting you down. There is no way God will waste anything given to Him in faith. Do you know how precious every speck of you is to Him? He’s the God who SAVES every tear in a bottle and records them one by one (Psalm 56:8). God even counts the hairs on your head. God knew you before you were even a baby in your mom’s belly. God loves loves loves you, and He is madly in love with you. So, treasure that in your heart even through the trials, the tears, the temptations, and the waiting.

I’ll be honest about some things going on in my life.

I’m in a season where I don’t know how grad school will go. There’s new people, new classes, new skills, new everything, and suddenly someone’s eyes are in my hands! I’m scared of course. Who wouldn’t feel pressure? Who’s 100% confident that everything’s going to be okay? Not me at least.

I’m in a season where I have no clue about where I’ll be in a church. I’ve been on a constant search for the past four months, and I know that I want to see so much growth in my life through serving a community. I also know that God is with me, and I have to be brave sometimes. That might be going to services alone and brand new. That might mean striking conversations with people I’ve never met before. That might mean that God will have me trust and get hurt so I can rely on Him again.

I’m in a season of learning about driving and finances. I don’t know so much, and it scares me to take steps like this because it feels like I’m so small and the world is too big. Yet when I remember God, how can I be afraid like before? I can take everything step by step like a baby knowing that if I fall my Father is waiting to catch me and care for me. Trust is something God and I have built over the years, and I know that who He is can never be overshadowed by the giants of my anxiety, despair, and fears.

If our God is for us - OUR God - who can stand against us? Not even yourself.

Overview:

God is not in the business of making your life happy, comfortable, or successful. If that’s what you’re here for then you won’t last long. You’ll be bogged down by how many zeros follow your salary, how pristine your lawn looks, how shiny your hair feels, and how people love you never how you love them. In Mere Christianity, it reads like this: “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

That is the work that God intends to do in our lives, so of course we get mad and throw tantrums when God tears down what was decent and slightly broken. Be mad at God! Tell Him exactly what you thought was going to happen, and be raw, real, and authentic to how disappointed you feel that God is not the God you thought He was. This is when God can show you who He really is more and more. 

That’s my journey right now, and I think the less God makes sense to me, the more I realize I know God, the less of my morals and understanding I can apply to God, the more I love Him because He’s not a God I made up to make me feel better or happier. If that was the case I would’ve made a much more friendly, palatable, and understandable God! God is so much greater than my mind can fathom, and that makes Him so dynamic and exciting. I can never get sick of God, there’s always more to love and learn with Him.