I hate endings. Strong start, I know, but I do!
Random fact about me: I take forever to watch the season finale of shows. When things end: relationships, friendships, internships, summer programs, the person you once were, the life you thought was promised to you, etc. you feel the emptiness of the space where it used to be and ironically it feels heavy.
I’m writing this on 5/12/21 after the last soonjang (small group leader) training I had.
Grief, I heard, is the feeling of loss of intimacy (emotional closeness) with someone.
As you may know, I’ve been embarking on a journey to dig deeper into the well of emotions that live inside me so I’ll be first to say that I feel sad. I have love for my friends. I will still see them whether later this year, this Friday, or in heaven at the very least, but a part of me knows that there is a chapter closing.
That doesn’t mean I’m never serving again or I’ll never be part of anything related to SOON, but I know that there’s just a difference in who I was as I walked through these four years to the person that is writing this blog and feeling the weight of change at this moment.
I hate endings because something has to die for something greater to begin. In my religion class, we learned about the death of a seed that leads to the production of fruit. In the Word, it confirms this “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” (John 12:24) Bearing fruit is not easy for a tree. It takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. You bear this fruit, not at any tangible benefit for yourself, but in hopes that it nourishes, sustains, and grows another. You bear fruit in hopes that the seeds within will take root and grow onto itself. You bear fruit because it is the way in which Jesus chose for us to love others.
Serving as a soonjang has been really painful and beautiful for me. There were moments that I struggled to love, to give myself, to surrender to God, and to understand the pain of unfulfilled hopes. I started to lose sight of the calling, but luckily, I knew I wasn’t in this race on my own. Throughout all that, God never gave up on me or my small group members. God is the Ground on which every tree is strongly rooted, where water is drawn, strength is founded in, and the security I could trust would carry out every promise.
I can’t count the times I have shared the gospel, and only from my limited memory, knowledge, and recollection do I know that at least 4 people have come to know and believe in Christ. This year, I messaged two girls, went through the 4 spiritual laws with them, and both of them prayed to receive Christ. Their names are forever written in the Book of Life. Their lives are forever held in the hands of Jesus. Their sins are forever washed clean. I will hear of God’s goodness in their lives in the new heaven and earth.
In my small group, there has been so much abundance in blessings. I know in my heart that God is restoring all of our souls and leaving no brokenness untouched. I have been amazed by the love, fellowship, intimacy, honesty, hope, and faith that people who are loved can share. As I leave my college years behind, one of my small group members has courageously decided to become a soonjang herself.
I knew that God had heard my prayer so intimately three years ago when I decided to make this choice of serving. God knew that I came to make a legacy that would last beyond four years and into eternity. Something death could never steal. Something GPAs could never define. Something only Jesus could offer and hold onto. God knew that every tear, every drop of pain and suffering, had come to this moment.
Serving itself is nothing if you don’t know the who and why it’s for. For me, it’s Jesus. It’s my best friend, my savior, my shepherd, my hope, my dream, my healer, my redeemer, and my love. When I came into college, I had come from such deep brokenness and longing to be loved. I had just come out of another failed attempt at a relationship, and I asked: “Who will love me? Who won’t leave? Who doesn’t run away when I’m at my worst? Who?” Jesus is the answer to those questions that had me crying with the greatest sorrow of my life.
Once, I thought love was something that leaves you worse off.
Once, I thought that love was a forest fire that burned up everything good inside me.
Once, I thought love didn’t want me.
Do you know how good it is to know in the fullest of truth that all of that was a lie?
Love came as a baby, grew to a man, and died on a cross for me when I was at my worst. Love held me the day I learned I lost someone I loved. Love is the peace I would feel after crying my eyes out and reading verses to put me to sleep. Love is the smile I have when nothing is going well in my life. Love is Jesus. I would’ve left if it was anyone else. I would’ve given up, shut up, and shut down already. Love is why I will not just live but be alive.
My “why” doesn’t make sense to anyone else who hasn’t accepted him. I do this all because Jesus loves us first. That’s it. That’s all my theology, faith, and fact into one sentence. Jesus chose me because He loves me. He loves me, and He took me out of hell on earth. He sacrificed the most important thing in his life: himself. Love is not about how much you give but how much will you sacrifice. Jesus’ life was the price of mine, and God was pleased to do this. God was pleased to love me. I cannot explain the immense emotions and joys of that into words, only in the response of my own life.
I could live for myself. I could make all the friends, find the best husband, have the sweetest family, buy the best house, live in a good school district, and give to the poor and needy. I could save myself the time, energy, and prayers. All those things are nothing compared to Jesus. Jesus is my reward. Jesus is the prize. Jesus is the treasure that keeps on giving. Jesus has touched every area of my heart, mind, and soul with more joy than I could ever know.
I look at the richest people in the world, the prettiest ones, the most talented ones, the best dressed ones, the ones with the perfect spouses, the ones with beautiful families, the ones who are the best minds in their fields, and no one has what I do have in Jesus. Fullness and completeness of joy to know that my eternity yesterday, today, and tomorrow is with Jesus. It’s a flex. It’s my greatest accomplishment. It’s not even my own honestly. My “why” is because Jesus is worth it. I’m sad to say goodbye to this chapter of my life, but my identity and relationship with Jesus is always going to be the same. I hold onto the hope that one day, there will be a day where there are no endings.
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