Play in another tab while reading this to get the vibe I’m writing this to: Here As In Heaven
I’ve been crying a lot.
I just finished crying, and now I feel like crying again.
When I’m in my room, in my thoughts, my heart feels heavy. When I think of the past four years, my heart feels full yet heavy.
“Weren’t you just at the beach with your friends, Grace? Weren’t you happy?”
Guys, I was so happy. I was surrounded by new and old friends, soaking in the sun, eating sour candies, toes covered in sand, collecting shells on the beach, teaching my friends how to make bracelets, throwing around these sea jellies, and basking in the love and presence of God through fellowship.
Then, it doesn’t hit me but it sinks over me: I’m not in college anymore. I’m not a soonjang (small group leader/leader) anymore. I’m not me anymore.
Ugh, cue new tears.
I love being in SOON Movement, I love leading, I love my friends, I love my Staff, and I love how God is present and woven through each of those things. I love this new person I’ve become. I used to think about legacy all the time. What kind of legacy am I leaving in this world, on my campus, in my lifetime? Then I see it before my eyes: the very prayers I sowed into bearing such beautiful and real fruit in the form of my friends still at Hunter SOON and the other SOON Movements. I have done what I came to do for my campus. That is joy I will carry with me into eternity.
It feels so painful to leave. I see myself in this way:
I’m a leader here, I belong here, I have family here.
It’s not like I can’t be part of ministry life anymore, but it’s different. It’s not going to be at SOON or at the very least, it’s not going to be at the same level it was, and maybe it shouldn’t be but I don’t know yet.
I don’t know what ministry in graduate school is like. I don’t even have a church right now. Everything feels so confusing and blurry, but I know Jesus is with me even as I type, wiping away my tears, and listening to me. I know Jesus is my friend, my comforter, my protector, and my Shepherd.
I don’t know what it’s like to not be a leader anymore. I think it’s a season where God is revealing to me how much my identity is based on being a ‘soonjang’ more than His daughter. It’s how I like to be seen, what I get pride in, and I feel like it’s who I am.
There’s this Christian Youtuber I watch, Mel Datugan, and she’s a year post her divorce with two young children. I remember she talked about how she had to mourn her identity as a wife to her children’s father. I get a taste of what she means now. It’s like an ID card you carry around, this is “Grace, Hunter Soonjang”, and you live out that identity. You think, move, and work through that lens. You see yourself that way, others see you that way, and it’s not all that you are but you get used to life with this title and role.
I am no longer that person, and it’s not like I’ll never be a leader again, but just not in the same way and same season as before. That reality needs to settle in me, and I need time to mourn, grieve, and process those emotions and implications on my life.
Who I am is God’s daughter, and He leads me to “he makes me lie down in green pastures” (Psalm 23). I want to take a season where I remember what it’s like to be led, but it’s unsettling to have to step into that role. I wrote “step back” first instead of “step into” because maybe I do feel like it’s a negative thing to be led. It feels like I should be capable and willing to always lead, never follow, but every sheep no matter how capable it is will always have to be guided by their shepherd.
As I write down these words, processing through more of my inner life, I realize that I’ve become overly self-sufficient. I’ve taken over the role God has in my life and the lives of others, and I feel bored at times because if I’m leading I know how the journey goes according to my own will. If God leads, life is exciting, surprising, and full of change because I don’t know where He’s leading me but I do know the character of God. I know God cares for me, loves me, knows me, sees me, leads me, provides for me, moves mountains through me, and I need to remember on this journey.
I feel like God is calling for a season of being led for me, to be led by Him and the people He will bring into my life, and show me what it’s like to be a sheep again.
There have been so many moments where I feel like a failure because I didn’t lead well.
“I should’ve done more.”
“I should’ve said this.”
“I wasn’t engaging enough.”
“I hurt them.”
“I was boring, that’s why they stopped coming.”
“I wasn’t loving enough.”
“I got involved in this person’s life, but then I couldn’t stay and we both got hurt.”
“I failed them. I failed God’s calling for me. The one thing God asked me to do, feed his sheep, and I failed. I’m a failure.”
I was putting too much on myself that I wasn’t meant to carry, and it brought me down. I can only control what’s within my own hands, but I’ve started to steal what belongs to God and the weight has broken me to pieces.
God lets me steal because He lovingly wants me to know that only God can carry what belongs to Himself. A child should carry their small backpack that’s filled with books, pencils, erasers, and toys. They shouldn’t take their father’s laptop, charger, wallet, or travel mug into their own bag only to be unable to carry it around without hurting themselves, breaking the items, and feeling a sense of confusion and hurt.
I need to carry my backpack, equipped with what I need to carry out the things in my life God has given me to steward, and leave God’s belongings alone.
I feel like I’m still in the processing of returning what I took, but God is patient in revealing each and every thing without any anger or disappointment.
Who I am outside of college, SOON, grad school, and any identity is God’s daughter. That’s who I want to remind you that you are, as a believer, you are God’s child and He is your father. More than being a student, worker, child of your family, role at church, role in ministry, etc.
Who I am is God’s.
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