Finishing with Favor: the Blessing of God in my 1st semester of Optometry School - Blog # 35

Finishing with Favor: the Blessing of God in my 1st semester of Optometry School

Prayer:

Dear God,

We thank You for Your abounding kindness and mercy. Each day, You are so wonderful. There is more to delight in. More to rejoice. More to praise. Yet, You are unchanging. God, help us to be full of thanksgiving in the midst of the chaos and struggles. Help us to declare victory in areas we see hardness of heart and deadened ears. Help us to speak words of life when the enemy attacks us. Help us to see Your victory for Your glory.

In Jesus name we pray, amen!

Introduction

Let’s get something straight! I didn’t start, sustain, or finish this journey of optometry school on my own. I have countless people to thank. I thank my parents for how much they gave and sacrificed for my education and dreams. I thank my teachers for guiding me and encouraging me. I thank my friends for studying, laughing, crying, and celebrating with me. I thank my God -- for in all things and in my most difficult moments, He gave me the strength, the commitment, and the faith to stand here before you.

I’ve mentioned optometry school in a few of my previous blogs, but something I want to share with you (now, in hindsight) is that the summer before I started school I struggled with the most doubt and fear. Something akin to spiritual attack, I think I had thoughts everyday telling me not to start school or to quit before going. As I prayed, I wondered if it was God asking me to surrender school. I heard of God asking people to change their plans after getting job offers or accepting seats for school. I had never felt such heaviness before.

As I prayed, I asked God if this was a test. Was I supposed to feel so oppressed and uneasy? Everyday thoughts plagued me.

“Don’t go to optometry school.”

“You shouldn’t go.”

“Email the admissions and tell them you’re not starting in the fall.”

I wasn’t sure if it was my own doubts either. It was scary to have these thoughts in my head, and I would continue to pray. I would ask God if these were from Him, but as I struggled, I decided that God wouldn’t use fear as a tactic to talk to me. I would feel peace. I would have counsel from my community and the Bible. 

Whether these thoughts were from Satan or myself, eventually they went away (thankfully), and I remember starting school. The first day of school has a freshness and air of excitement! Mine…well, I forgot to charge my laptop and it was dying during my first set of lectures. I don’t remember events as much as I remember feelings.

I remember how people make me feel. I remember how classes and exams made me feel. I remember how hard I needed to take each breath, the sadness of feeling like my first retinoscopy competency had gone terribly, and the disappointment deep within me. It wasn’t that I felt like I didn’t belong here. It wasn’t that the prior thoughts I had had come true.

The worst part about optometry and life is how I feel so out of control. What had brought me to tears was the fact that hard as I may try, there were factors and variables outside of my control. Sure, I could practice, but who would be assessing me, the seating, the patient/fellow student I got, and many other things were outside my scope. Sure, I could study, but the specific material professors would focus on, my commute (ft. MTA delays) on the way to class, and the personal issues I had to deal with were not something I could control.

The Blessing of Humility

All of us operate under this complete fantasy that we have any control over our lives. We think that we know how the day will go. We think we know our tomorrows. We think we’ll wake up. We think we know what happens next, when none of it is up to us. Sure, you can choose which brand of OJ to grab and what train to take, but compared to all the choices that are affecting you, that’s nothing. 

Optometry school forces me to face reality. I am not in control the majority of the time, and it’s great because it constantly humbles me. I’m forced to recognize my need for God. Do you know why I chose optometry? Do you know why I think God let me choose optometry? Yes, I want to help people see. It means so much to me. It touches my heart and moves my soul to give people the gift that is their sight. The other component is how dependent I am on God.

I’m not a science or math person naturally. I’m more…well, I love to write. I like abstract ideas. I love philosophical questions. I love thinking about the bigger picture: how God has created such a creative, crazy world and somehow gave me a place in it. I like deep thoughts. I’m an incredibly emotional person. I like grey, not black and white answers. I was not “built” for optics, anatomy, optometric theory, or any of these heavy science/math courses. I don’t naturally understand concepts well either. 

So, I knew coming into optometry: I need God. It wasn’t like I didn’t need God for any other calling or career path, but I just recognized my need here. I pray so much while studying, before studying, just humbling myself before God because I literally cannot do this without Him. I need the help. I am desperate for it. 

Optometry school gives me the blessing that is humility. I can’t control anything, but I know God can. I know God is in control, so if I need anything done, I can only go to Him. I ask for focus. I ask for energy. I ask for wisdom. I ask for test questions to be highlighted while I’m studying. I ask and ask because I am dependent on this space.

I think if I did a career in writing, I would be much more inclined to just follow my own instincts and strengths. I would feel self-sufficient. I would move at my thoughts and pace, and even now, as much as I feel “led” to write certain posts, it’s honestly mostly based on me. 

Even this post, it’s based on my plans, what I want to write about, and it’s easy to leave God out of the picture when we do things we feel like we’re strong in. God loves humility. It’s like the smell of a beautiful perfume or sizzling steak, it draws God close.

To have faith requires humility. It’s non negotiable. To be a healthy Christian requires humility. You have to say: God, You know better. God, I don’t belong to myself, I was bought at a price. God, I give up my version of right and wrong. God, I give up leading my own life. God, I give up everything this world has to offer (people, positions, power, and prestige), because You gave up everything for me first.

Humility is the heart of Jesus. Jesus, son of God --in 5 days, birthday boy! -- and He gave up everything to be with us. His name means “God with us”. You have to step into Jesus’ shoes. Picture yourself fulfilled, perfect, joyful, peaceful, all-powering, all-knowing, all-encompassing, and You choose to become human: broken and sinful. You choose to be rejected. You choose to be chased and criticized. You choose to die on a cross for the very people cheering on your death. 

So, as I look at my final grades: I cheer on God! “But Grace, you’re the one who studied. You’re the one who stayed late and practiced. You…” and God gave me a functioning brain! God gave me hands to practice. God gave me eyes to look at information. God gave me technology to use. God gave me air in my lungs. God gave me life. Is this a humble brag? No way, this is an outrageous brag: my God sustained me. My God is with me. My God will finish what He started in me. If you’re a believer, He’s your God too. If you don’t believe in God, the same opportunity is extended onto you!

Imposter/Comparison Syndrome

It’s easy to compare someone else’s mountaintops to your valleys. I remember wondering if I was the only one struggling to understand concepts to grasp ideas. Why was I struggling so much? Why did I feel like I was constantly falling behind? It wasn’t like I felt like I didn’t belong in optometry school, but I wondered how everyone else made it look so effortless while I felt so…effortfull.

It’s easy to look at your friends and classmates, their Instagram stories of their notes, and find yourself lectures behind each class and not even finding enough energy to join over Zoom. Did everyone just finish their 8-4 days, eat, and then study until they slept. Was it just me who wanted to decompress and zone out mindlessly when I got back? 

When midterms rolled around, I was burnt out and overwhelmed by the amount of material. How could the human brain hold so much information? I felt like I was being thrown curve balls left and right. It’s impossible to cram well for a majority of your classes. I was learning the importance of scheduling, and how to not be a zombie by the end of the day.

I also found myself comparing my life with the lives of my out of school friends. They worked -- made money, had free time after their shifts, and I was up until midnight studying. I had to say no to invitations out and give up weekends. Of course, I had fun, but I also had to acknowledge that fun could only follow discipline and hard work. I also had to acknowledge that I had chosen this life for myself, and sometimes the things we dream about (becoming an optometrist) come at a great cost.

Everyone wants the happy ending, yet we wince at the idea of kissing frogs or climbing towers or battling dragons. I had to make peace with this in order not to victimize myself when I was given the privilege to study and a future where I can see myself serving others for God’s glory in a fulfilling way. I have the privilege of following a dream and building a life where I could offer others kindness, compassion, and faithful care.

When we look at others, we forget our own unique giftings and talents. We also don’t look to improve upon our struggles, we’d rather wallow in our perceived shortcomings. The truth is that some people have photographic memory. Some people only spend their time studying. Some people go tutoring as much as possible. Some people don’t need to study as much. Some people just get math. Everyone is so different, and we can’t compare because we never look at the full story.

In Philippians 3:12-14, it says:

When you’re running a race, the best way to finish is to look ahead, not to your side. 

Compassion for Yourself 

Something I learned is how much I lacked compassion for myself. I was so hard on myself for things I couldn’t control or being unable to live up to my own standards. I was frustrated with myself for being unable to perform as well as I wanted to or as well as I perceived everyone else performed. 

During my first semester, I had to deal with life in COVID, family issues, personal problems, and my health. I wondered why I couldn’t be more dispassionate or compartmentalize my problems from school, but that’s not just okay -- that’s normal! We think we should be perfect students when we live as imperfect people in imperfect families with imperfect relationships in an imperfect world. 

It’s easy to be hard on yourself, but it takes bravery to have compassion. It takes courage to be kind to yourself. I had to stop saying I wanted to kill myself from all the workload. It wasn’t something I really thought about, and don’t worry it’s just a way for me to dramatically express myself -- but it goes to show how pervasive my own unkindness was. 

We all talk about the importance of self-care, but when it comes down to it, there is a disconnect we all face when we are struggling. We tell ourselves that we should get over it. We minimize our pain. We are our own wardens: No breaks! Eat quickly! Don’t have fun on the weekends and if you do make sure you feel guilty about it!

I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself. I’ve gotten into this new habit where when a negative thought enters my mind, outloud I affirm myself of the truth that my identity in Jesus provides me.

“You’ll never be good enough!” becomes I know I’m not good enough which is why I need Jesus. I’m so thankful Jesus is good enough, and He covers me in my weaknesses.

“You’re a failure,” becomes “Life is more than a test or a quiz. Life is more than school or a job. My life is in the hands of my God. Even if I didn’t do my best, God is still in control. Jesus was victorious and so am I.”

“You can’t do this,” becomes a proclamation of humility. It’s not celebratory to be able to be independent and do things on your own apart from God. I’m thankful that I’m depending on God more. I can’t do this, and I never could. God is the one who will get me through life and school. 

I don’t personally find true comfort or peace with “You can do this! I believe in you!” I love when my friends say it with the best intentions and genuine belief, but I need evidence. I need proof not just wishes or hopes. I need the empty tomb of Jesus to base my life on. The reason we can overcome anything is because Jesus overcame death and sin on our behalf: the greatest victory was won.

What The Future Holds

As I face my Spring Semester, I am already struck with the uncontrollable parts of life like ongoing COVID cases rising, the difficulties of my personal life, figuring out church plans, and how I’ll tackle my classes this time. Spring Semester is a different giant, yet I have the same God.

When David, a shepherd boy, fought Goliath, a monster of a man, it wasn’t because he was a great fighter or strategist. It wasn’t about David, it was about who was with him. God is with you in every battle. If you take God with you, there’s no giant that can slay you. Yes, sometimes you’ll lose. Yes, sometimes you’ll get hurt. Yes, sometimes it looks like you’re about to be crushed: yet, God will never be defeated. Victory to God sometimes feels like defeat, but what if victory to God isn’t that you pass your exams but that you learn how to rely on Him and others. What if victory to God isn’t that you pass with flying colors, but that you learned that you can’t do this without Him.

Honestly, I do wonder how I’ll survive another 3.5 years! Yet, I’m trying to live moment by moment. I want to give my all to God, believing that He is with me, and leaving the outcome to Him. 

Prayer:

Dear God, in our lives we will never be good enough, smart enough, or capable enough in everything we pursue. God, I pray that instead of feeling defeated, that we would look to Jesus as our strength and our hope. We know that we can overcome it with the help of our God. We know that God’s plans will prevail. We might not get it right the first time. We might fall and fail, but life is deeply enriched when we learn that falling is not as devastating as our anxiety makes it seem when we find that our loving Father is waiting to help us back up. God, be glorified in all that we do.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen

Listen to:

See A Victory & Surrounded with Brandon Lake | Live From Praise Party 2019 | Elevation Worship