Opening Prayer
Dear God,
Thank You for being who You are. God, who is like You? You are King of kings, Lord of lords, and our Good Shepherd. Lord, we lift up our lives and this year to You. God, we pray that You would open our eyes, hearts, and spirits to Your leading. May we hunger for Your presence. May we delight in Your Word, not seeing it as a chore or obligation, but the intimate message and living conversation You desire to have with Your children. Lord, give us ears to hear Your message. Give us faith to believe what You have spoken. Lord, give us the ability to overcome the flesh and follow You wholeheartedly. Give us the means to be obedient, the heart to be guided by the Holy Spirit, and the understanding the discipline from You is out of love not out of hatred or punishment since Jesus bore all our punishment on the cross. Lord, we long to love You. Keep us in Your love.
In Jesus name I pray,
Amen
Introduction
You might not like this, but I do something…I open up my Bible up randomly and read what I’ve opened up to. I also do Bible devotionals that are more directed (me trying to defend myself), but I like it! I like how I don’t know what I’ll read or what God will speak to me. I also do take the time to pray and study the Word that I’ve opened up to.
You can give me a talk about how that’s wrong or not intentional enough, but it’s been so fun! Would you say your faith is fun? Does God speaking to You through the Bible, prayers, service, sermons, community, the Holy Spirit, or any other means happen often or ever? I want that for you! I am personally tired of living in a very base-level form of faith. We serve a God who parts the Red Sea, raises the dead to life, floods the whole Earth, whisks people away in a fiery chariot, and saves the entire world from itself!
Do I think faith is always fun? Of course not, and it shouldn’t be/shouldn’t be based on fun -- but to say that it’s never fun, exciting, or life changing also feels inadequate too. When I was growing up in church, I found myself spending a few hours in church because my parents went to church. I believed in God, but nothing about my life was moved by God. I was, by my standards, a pretty good kid. I listened to my parents. My grades were decent. I didn’t do anything ‘bad’. So, I don’t know what I really needed saving from.
The thing about the Gospel is that it means nothing to you if you think you’re a good person. I think the hardest people to reach, Christians especially, are people who think they’re good people. I’m hardest to reach when I think I’m a good person! Does this mean we’re a puppy-kicking, bank-robbing, make-Ted-Bundy-shudder kind of person? No, when I say I think I’m a good person it means that I don’t think I need saving from myself.
I know I’m not perfect (but hey, who is!), but to say I need a whole Savior can seem far-fetched. I had reasons for why I did XYZ. I didn’t mean to hurt them. I didn’t know that choice would have that consequence. Okay, sure, I gossip sometimes, but that’s just building friendship. Okay, yeah I shouldn’t have done that, but I was in a bad mood and they hurt me first. Okay, I didn’t forgive that person, but they aren’t even sorry…
I say all this to bring you to a point of realizing how I have lived based on my own understanding of good. On the scale of Adolf Hitler to Mother Theresa, I’m like at least halfway past the median leaning toward Mother Theresa (but not too much). I’m not as bad as (insert the name of someone I think is bad). I help my mom with the dishes. Give my seat up if there's a grandma on the train. Help my friends in school. Go to church. I have this internal scale of comparison to other people where I plant myself with the good guys, and I can carry on my merry way.
The thing is that good is not a relative scale. It’s pass or fail, and you pass if you are perfect. Not just in actions. Not just in accolades. Not just in your mom or dad’s eyes. Not by the world’s standards of money, fame, success, followers, or the ‘good job-married-nice house-babies-cute dog’ checklist. Good is perfect. Good means being sinless, living in God’s intended design and will, inside and out like God made us to be.
By that standard, I’m not going to cut it with a “C’s make degrees” mindset. I’m evil. I’m wretched. I’m inconsolably bad. I’m a sinner. I need help. I need saving. God doesn’t leave us there stuck in the mud, but actually He gets into the mud with us. He leaves a perfect palace where there is perfect love, unity, and glory -- angels literally praising God 24/7 -- and decides to rescue us from the mess we made.
But the thing about sin is that I don’t become more good when I do good things. Yes, I can say sorry. Yes, I can try to make up for it, but even those actions and motives are tainted. When I’m covered in filth, I can’t get clean by adding soap on top. It needs to be washed off. I need to make something else dirty to become clean again. Jesus is this pure white towel that I need to wipe my grime off of in order to be clean, and it’s at the cost of His purity. It’s at the cost of His life that we are wiped of our sins. There is a transfer. There are still scars in the palm of His hands.
Yet, if I see myself as white-as-snow, walking around the place, I’m going to reject the towel. I will reject Jesus. Or I’ll only see a few specks of dirt now and then, take the offer because ‘sure, why not?’ and carry on my merry way. I didn’t need it, but it didn’t hurt. I think God gave me this analogy to show me that not only am I a sinner, but I’m also blind to my own sin. I think I’m good on my own. I don’t know my need for God, so salvation means nothing to me. Jesus doesn’t touch my heart. Jesus doesn’t change my life. Yes, I believe in Him. Do I love Him with everything that I am? Do I seek to please Him because I’m so thankful? Why would I be thankful if I’m fine the way I am? What does it mean to love God? It means to obey God.
My indifference to Jesus was a signal fire to the hardness of my own heart. So, of course church, reading the Bible, praying, and worship was very surface level. It didn’t have heart. It was obligatory at worst and a good feeling at best. It wasn’t desperation. It wasn’t crying out to God, on my knees and forehead planted on the ground because I knew how evil and dark I was and in awe, wonder, and thankfulness towards God’s gift of Jesus for me.
Let’s take a necessary pause in today’s blog.
Do you think you’re a good person? Do you think you needed Jesus?
My answer would be: “Well, by that definition, I guess I’m not a good person. If that’s the case, yeah, I do need Jesus.” Then it ends there with just lip-service. Knowledge that just sits in my head and never reaches into my heart. It doesn’t influence my decisions. It doesn’t change who I am inside and then out. It isn’t what the awesomeness of the Gospel was always meant to do.
I feel like that’s the half-hearted way I’ve lived a lot of my faith, and to this day I still struggle. I don’t love Jesus with my whole heart. I don’t see Jesus as a ‘need’ not like I ‘need’ to graduate, get this job, live this life, and be able to do this thing. But as I get older, God has granted me this gift of ‘knowing my need’.
Humility is this ‘knowing of your need’.
Would you describe yourself (proudly) as an independent and mostly self-sufficient person?
In this world, that’s an achievement. A pat on the back. A gold star.
In heaven, the neediest people are the most exalted because they have the greatest, eternal gift: the understanding that without God you are this sinful, unworthy person, yet because of God, You are now the child of this mighty King, this loving Father, this beautiful Savior, and this strong Shepherd. You are now forgiven. You are now loved. You are now free to live out the true calling and purpose of your life. You are no longer forced to follow your flesh. You don’t have to go back to that sin. You don’t have to please the world. You don’t have to be someone you’re not in order to gain approval. You don’t have to chase after happiness: here today and gone tomorrow.
You live knowing that it wasn’t free, this freedom, and you were bought with a price. You were in jail and someone didn’t just pay the bond (1 Peter 2:24), they took your place. Then they gave you their identity as child of God (1 John 3:2), they gave you the clothes off their back for your rags (Isaiah 61:10), they gave you their share to their rightful inheritance (Ephesians 1:11-14), and then they didn’t just promise to give you this new glorious life in the new heaven and earth (John 3:16) -- they said that the life you would live right now would be abundant (John 10:10). Jesus suffered willingly so that we could be reunited with God, and free from the punishment that we bore onto ourselves. Jesus died so that we may live the life that was promised for Him.
Would you do that for someone? Maybe a parent? A spouse? Your child? A sibling (maybe)? A best friend? A good friend? A classmate? A coworker?
What if you did that for the worst person you could personally think of? Not some abstract ‘evil’ dictator. Not your rude in-law. Not the McDonald's worker that forgot your ketchup. No, someone who really hurt you. Who said awful things about you. Ignored you, hated you, and wasn’t even sorry. They cheered for your downfall actually. They begged for your execution. What about that person?
That’s what Jesus did for us. That is the heart of God for us. Why? Why would God do that for us when we didn’t deserve it, we sure didn’t want it, and we actually liked disobedience more? Because God isn’t like us. God’s character is love and that love isn’t based on the person He loves. It doesn’t change because God doesn’t change. God did that for us. God paid the debt with the life of His son.
He gave the most precious and valuable person He had for people who would reject it, people who would break His heart, and even for believers -- He gave us His heart even when we’re so half-hearted and indifferent. Do we live basking in that love? If we don’t understand who we are without God, then we don’t care about who we are with God or what God did for us.
No wonder I am quick to criticize others. No wonder I feel bored at church. No wonder I don’t bother asking God when I’m making decisions. I don’t know the gravity of the situation. It’s not to guilt-trip me, it should make me even more grateful that this love and forgiveness is freely and abundantly being poured out onto me.
As I’ve been experiencing this continued revival of my faith, even through my difficulties and disappointments, I realize what a hope I now have. I am not broken at the end of the story. I am not left on my own now. I am not without purpose. I am not left to collect the pieces of my heart. I am healed. I am known. I am reconciled and in a relationship with God.
What this means about prayer:
Praying is a privilege. It’s something I look forward to. It’s the highlight of my days. It’s no longer my last ditch effort. It’s no longer my trump card when I’ve exhausted every other option first.
Prayer is getting to talk to God intimately. I tell God my desires and needs. I tell God about why I’m hurting today. I tell God I’m thankful for the bus or train that came just in time. I have God 24/7 whenever I need. God doesn’t sleep. God doesn’t ignore your prayers. God doesn’t go silent or ghost you. God hears. God listens intently. God knows exactly what you mean. God even knows what you mean when you don’t even have the words within you. God even interprets groans. God knows how situation A and that part of your childhood and that person and what he/she said all culminated in who you are today. God knows why it’s so hard for you to trust. God doesn’t just know like you know facts. God experienced it all with you when He sent Jesus.
Do you feel lonely? Imagine being the only sinless person in the world. Imagine people leaving you when you needed them most. Imagine no one understanding your experience or what it was like to be you. No one knows why you feel so sad. No one gets that hard experience you went through. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel tempted? Jesus spent 40 days in the desert being tempted directly by Satan. He was also without food and water. He was offered fame and fortune. He was offered power. He was offered a chance to get everything we could ever want, and for the sake of us and the glory of God He said no. It wasn’t that He didn’t want to. It wasn’t that He wasn’t hungry or thirsty. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel rejected? Imagine your own family being embarrassed by you. Imagine your hometown saying you were a phony. Imagine people leaving you left and right when all you did was be yourself and help people. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel used? Imagine people only crowding around you to get something from you. Imagine healing 10 lepers and only 1 comes back to say ‘thank you’. Imagine how Jesus must have felt, as loving and compassionate as He is, knowing that people were only here for the miracles not for Him. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel misunderstood? When He would heal the lame or the blind, religious leaders would call him a Prince of Darkness. They accused him of sinning by ‘working’ on the Sabbath. They criticized His good works. They hated Him for saying that He was the Son of God or that He was equal to God. They didn’t see who He really was and they didn’t want to. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel attacked and punished for something you didn’t do? People hated Him in their hearts. When He sent a legion of demons into a hoard of pigs, they drove Him away. When He was brought before the courts, He was going to be crucified for crimes He didn’t commit. He was and is exactly who He said He was. He didn’t lie. He didn’t harm. He didn’t do anything wrong. Jesus is perfect, and He was blamed and punished by others. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel like you’re an outcast? Jesus’ own mother and siblings didn’t really get what He was doing. Jesus was the white lamb, but in His family He was probably seen as the ‘black sheep’. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel like you don’t have anyone you can trust? Peter, John, and James (Jesus’ closest friends of the 12) all fell asleep before He would be crucified. They couldn’t pray with Him when He was in the greatest turmoil of His life. He was so stressed his sweat was blood. He was grieved and tormented by Satan to forsake the cross. Even with the people who loved Him, He knew he couldn’t trust them. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel betrayed? Before Judas came to lead the charge in crucifying Jesus, I want you to think about living with someone for three years. You have meals together. You share stories. You tell them your secrets and your dreams. You consider them one of your best friends. You changed their life. You showed them the best of the best. Then, maybe someone left you. They ignored you when you needed them. They chose something or someone else over you. For Jesus, He knew Judas would betray Him, and He chose Judas and loved him anyways. Jesus chose betrayal. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
Do you feel like life hasn’t gone your way? Jesus asked God to take away this cup (the cup of wrath that would be our sins and shame) from Him. Jesus had a choice, and Jesus didn’t want to suffer or die. Jesus didn’t want to be crucified, yet life didn’t go His way. Jesus decided that for God’s glory and for our sake and out of His love, He would die for us. Do you feel like you wanted something and it didn’t happen? That was Jesus. Jesus knows how you feel. He understands you.
When I pray, I know Jesus gets it. Jesus doesn’t just know my situation and entire life story better than I do. Jesus also experienced it with me. Jesus never sinned but He went through the pain of sin with me. Jesus also went through the same struggles and pain. Jesus knows exactly what I need to hear. Jesus knows exactly how to comfort us. Jesus knows. That was Jesus. Jesus knows how I feel. He understands me.
Jesus is not the mayor listening to the problems of neighborhood violence you’re facing while living in a gated community. Jesus is not your friend with 10 kids listening to you share about your infertility struggles. Jesus is not on the Principal's Honor Roll while you're telling him about your academic probation. Jesus is not indifferent, and Jesus is not unaware. Jesus won't try to understand you or pity you, Jesus has compassion because He knows your heart.
Pray to Him. Pray with full force. Pray with expectation to be met, understood, and comforted. Pray with open hands for answers. Pray not for your own will or agenda. Pray for God’s will. Pray in humility. Pray with hope. Pray without ceasing. Pray in troubled times. Pray in celebration.
Pray to God because God listens, God knows, God hears, and God understands.
What a friend we have in Jesus. <3
What this means about reading the Bible:
The Bible is God’s living breathing Word. God’s heart. God’s mind. God’s will. It’s a manual for living a righteous life. It’s food for your faith. It’s God’s answer to your prayers. It’s God’s guidance for your questions. It’s not just an add-on to your faith. You need to eat everyday, and spiritual food is the same and it comes in the form of the Word.
You cannot be healthy without reading the Bible. What’s guiding your thoughts? What’s leading your heart? What’s feeding your mind? What is the basis of your choices?
I want you to think about the worst choices you’ve seen other people make. Maybe you saw them invest before a stock market crash. Maybe they had that baby with someone who was really uninterested in being a parent let alone a partner. Maybe someone decided that they could drive after a beer or two and get home safely. I want you to compare that to the best choices that you made…the major you choose, the job you landed, that guy/girl you’re dating, or the winning bet you placed. Did you make that choice with God in mind? Lead by the Word? Asking God for prayer and instruction then waiting on His answer?
Then I want you to lump those choices together. Just because it ‘turned out well’ for you and ‘turned out bad’ for them is not what makes a choice good or bad. Again, how are you defining good or bad? Good is God’s will. Good is seeking out that will (and there will be mistakes, uncertainties, and difficulty in getting there).
Is getting what you want the most important thing to you even if it’s without God?
I spent some time praying about a situation I really wanted to happen, and I saw it play exactly how I thought I wanted it to. Everything lined up perfectly…with my will, and I was surprised. I was surprised by how empty it felt. I was surprised that even in this fantasy world I was so unhappy and unfulfilled by the exact outcome I thought I wanted. I thought getting what I wanted would be…better? I thought I would be happier. I thought I wouldn’t be troubled. I thought…I knew how this would go, how I would feel, and what would happen after.
It was like a spiritual ice bucket. “God, I’m confused” has been the headliner of my prayers for a while these days, but God is so so good. God is always good. Something God asked me through that prayer was: Do I want what I want if God doesn’t want it for me? Do I want what I want if God won’t be front and center? Do I want what I want more than I want God and His will for my life? Even if God wants it for me too, do I want it without God’s timing? Do I want it if it’s only by force? Do I want it if not everyone involved is on board and willing?
When Hannah prayed for her baby in 1 Samuel, I thought about how badly she must’ve wanted that baby for years and years. I don’t necessarily think she had wrong intentions either. I don’t think she didn’t trust God. I don’t really want to even say she was impatient. Could she have been? Sure! She was far from perfect, that I know. Yet, she didn’t want the baby more than God. God was not a means to an end for her. When Hannah prayed for baby Samuel, she didn't want it her way. She promised him to God.
God is not a means to an end for my hopes and dreams. God is the beginning and the end. The hopes and dreams are a means to get me closer to God, and if they do that aren’t they successful whether they happen or not?
Hebrews 11:6 says “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
Let’s not base our life, our choices, and our understanding on the outcome. We should live moment to moment asking, “Will this please God?” or are we seeking to please us, our parents, our role models, our partner, our children, or our friends? Who rules your life? Let that be the basis of success. Let that be the metric of ‘good’. Did I obey God? Did this bring joy to God’s heart?
You can know God’s heart and God’s will for your life through reading the Bible. If someone wrote you a bunch of letters, wouldn’t you be able to capture their heart for you? What they want for you? What they feel about you? Wouldn’t you know their dislikes and likes? What would make them happy or sad? What would they say about your choices?
As you read the Bible, you’ll know sin and disobedience angers God. You’ll also know God doesn’t leave you in your sin, but He offers a way out.
You’ll find out God loves to talk with you. He talks all the time about prayer. He wants to talk to you about everything and anything. God doesn’t want you to worry, He wants you to ask Him for your wants and needs. He wants to give you peace and guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4: 6-7 says “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
God loves humility. God wants humility to be your heart. God hates pride because pride kills us. It destroys us and our lives. It keeps us apart from God. It keeps you from experiencing God’s best for your life.
1 Peter 5:5 In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
God wants you to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly.
Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
This means that God has given you the tools: wisdom and faith to make choices that will align with what He desires. Will this be a move in faith, hope, and love or fear, guilt, and shame?
God only wants the best for you, it’s all He ever wanted. It’s why He made Eden. Eden, the beautiful garden where God and mankind lived in perfect harmony, and we saw one another face to face.
You don’t have to listen to God. You can look away. You can say “my ways are higher, my understanding is better”, and God will let you do that because He won’t force Himself on you.
Even for your own good. God will wait for you to come back, to choose Him, and to live the life He wanted for you. God will also let you walk away, to choose you or them or it (the comfort, the money, the flashy life, or the approval), and He’s sad that you’re missing out. He wishes you knew the goodness. He wishes that you were here with Him. He longs for you to know what could’ve happened if you said ‘yes’. I long for that too. I hope you know that God has so much more for you, more than you could ever imagine, and that you would see that too.
What is this means about my life:
I can’t control you or what you do. I can’t control the thoughts you have or the life you’ll live. I can’t control what you put as priority # 1 in your life. I can’t tell you the best choice to make or what God wants for your life.
I just know me (and that’s on a good day). I just know what God calls me to in this season. I just know that God allowed everything to happen because He knew He would use it for good. The truth is some days I struggle to see that. I still have to surrender daily. I still have to acknowledge that sadness in my heart. I still believe that God is good, and that none of this was out of God’s control.
I am still waiting on God’s answers to my prayers, and sometimes answers are No. Sometimes that’s for a season and sometimes it’s forever. I am hoping for the ‘better yes’. I am believing that God will do whatever it takes for me to have the best. I am also willing to accept the no if it comes from Him. My Dad loves me! He hugs me. He holds me. He waits with me expectantly. He comforts me. He understands the struggle.
I wonder what this blog will mean to me looking back. I wonder what God’s final word for you, for me, and for us will be. In the unknown, God is all I can see ahead and behind. So, I hold fast and tight. I take my baby steps. Some days I don’t move ahead. Some days all I do is look behind me.
Even though it’s hard, it’s been so good. It’s actually fun too!
It’s exciting. It’s new everyday. I’m new everyday. I’m changing. I used to be someone, and now I’m not that person yet I’m more me! How wonderful. How amazing. How good is our God?
When I randomly opened up my Bible today, I found myself in the book of Jude. The book of Jude is one chapter! I was amazed that I had opened up to such a short book because what are the odds (yet nothing is an odd when God is involved)! Yet, even though I do this silly ritual while reading my Bible, I found myself praying and studying through the heart of my God.
I wanted to share with you this particular section that moved me:
The subtitle of this section in Jude was called “The Call to Persevere”
Jude: 20-22: “But you, beloved, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Be merciful to those who doubt;”
I was so moved in my own spirit to read these few verses. Can I tell you something?
My best friend got me a necklace with the nameplate “Beloved” because she prayed and God had pressed this word for me into her heart. Beloved. I am God’s beloved, and so this affectionate name that Jude calls us felt so personal. It felt like God was saying “But you, Grace…” and I felt encouraged that God was telling me to build myself up in my most holy faith and to continue praying in the Holy Spirit.
I felt so moved that God knew how hard I was trying, that He saw me, and He called it “my most holy faith”. Jude, inspired by the Holy Spirit, could’ve just said ‘faith’ in itself. Why was it the most holy? Yet, I felt God press into my heart this loving word as if to say “Grace, you’re building you’re most holy faith in this season with Me”. I feel elated. I’m happy to be acknowledged by my mom and dad on earth, but it means so much more from God. I love when it says “keep yourselves in the love of God” too because it means I’m already there. I’m being kept. I’m not striving to be loved or wanted by God. I don’t need to wait to be accepted by God.
I included notes from my ESV study Bible, and it says HOW we can keep ourselves in God’s love (not that it can be removed from us, but how we can be more aware and active in seeking it) and we can grow strong by reading the Word, praying ceaselessly, and waiting for Jesus to come back. Waiting for all the promises and longings to be fulfilled. Waiting for the day there will be no more tears!
Then I was also moved by God through this section of Jude, that while I am building my most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, God wanted me to use that to have mercy for people who aren’t there yet. I’m also not there yet, but maybe you feel oceans away from God. Maybe you are doubting everyday: Did I make the right choices? Did God really want this for me? Am I doing what God wants? Am I too far gone? Is it too late?
I want to speak over you lovingly. You are so good because Jesus covered you. Jesus washed you. You don’t need to worry about being outside of God’s love, God is keeping you in His love. God will not let you go…even if you tried! What a comforting thought. Also, God has grace for you. God has so much mercy for you. For everyone doubting, God has mercy and goodness and kindness. God wants you back. God can fix anything, and in fact, God can restore and make things even better than before.
Let God in. Give God your yes.
Don’t cheat yourself out of the life God wants for you. Don’t miss out on God’s goodness.
Keep yourself in the love of God, but know that God will keep you even if you don’t.
Closing Prayer
Instead of a prayer I’ve written, I want to give you a prayer prompt!
If you asked God what He wanted you to do at this moment, what would He tell you?
I invite you to ask God now for yourself. Does He want you to forgive? Does He want you back at church? Does He want you to do something that you’ve been avoiding or too scared to do?
I pray that God will answer you, confirm in His word and through the Holy Spirit, and you will be granted the peace and wisdom to seek God out for what He has put in your heart for this season.
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