Spiraling Anxiety: Optometry School Woes - Eyes on the Prize # 6
Guys, I’m writing to you live and under mental duress. Does anyone ever feel like a simple mistake is the end of the world? Like you’re a complete failure for an oversight? You replay that fatal moment in your head where you said the wrong thing, forgot that step, or just made a fool of yourself? Well, that’s me! Welcome to my wacky brain and anxiety spiraling.
This week, we have our first rounds of testing, and I feel the pressure. You want to start off strong. Especially now, before it gets crazy. Before you’re comparing fundus photos to your classmate’s eyes. Before I get into it, I think I need to say that I’m starting to get consumed by school. It’s my whole life. I live, breathe, eat optometry, and it’s hard to not feel like a point docked off here and a mark wrong there ends in repeating a semester (which means repeating a year).
I just feel pressure: to do well, to never make a misstep, and to start and finish strong. I’ve never struggled so much, slept so little, or studied so consistently before. I know it’s a privilege to be in school. I know it’s not supposed to be easy, but it kind of wrecks my self-esteem when I study and the grades look like I might as well have not shown up.
Is that you too? Does everyone else feel like a stellar student?
I think this feeling of anxiety, one test, one mark, one failure leading me down this rabbit hole of despair is just a huge red flag. Hey! You! You’re making your education/grades an idol. It’s easy to disguise it as being a good steward of my calling. “No, I just want to do well so I can be a good doctor for God!”
When did God need me to be a doctor over being a daughter?
If I’m not doing this for God, who am I doing this for?
I’m back to 15 year old Grace who struggled to do well in high school, face hot with shame. Why can’t I do this? What can’t I get this right? Why is everyone else so smart? Even though I did a 180 degree turn in college, that girl is still in me. She’s always looking for grades to prove that she’s someone if her GPA is high enough.
I want to hug her, and I want to cry with her. I feel sad with her. “This is not who you are. This is not what defines who you’ll be.”
Even my parents have so much grace for me. I remember studying late into the night for my deadly Optometric Theory I Final, and I went to my parents in defeat. “Guys, what if I don’t pass this class? What if I fail this semester?”
Picture my mom talking to my dad as he runs on his treadmill, their conversation paused as they turn to look at me. “It’s okay, Grace! Today at church (it was a Sunday), the pastor talked about how life is so much more than what success we have on this Earth,” my mom says.
“You don’t need to be stressed, Grace. Go play with Angel (our dog)!” my dad says to encourage me into a break.
“Let’s pray,” and my mom gathers me and my dad (who stopped his run for me) to pray.
What gift of grace is Jesus my Redeemer who gave me parents full of grace, so full they gave me that name. At that moment I felt encouraged that life was greater than school, but as things change in my life, it feels like such a defining part of my life. I’m Grace -- the optometry student, future doctor, and I feel like I’m not doing that great at it if that’s all I let myself be.
As I reflect on that precious moment, I want to say that I’m so thankful for God and my family. They ground me. They keep my head above water. They show me that the life I have isn’t based on what I can do or achieve in this world. My parents didn’t define me based on how well I performed or based on their expectations. They just loved me and wanted the best for me. They were happy to have Grace -- their daughter. And they’re just people, so what must God feel when He sees me stressed and depressed over classes?
Jesus, I need a hug and less iced lattes. Jesus, I need to be rooted in You. The truth is that as much as I try to pray and read the Bible, I have to let head knowledge live in my heart. I have to experience these humbling moments of “Will this mistake -- even if it costs me my ‘future’ or ‘career’ -- compare to surpassing the glory and power of God’s Will for my life.
Do I like losing -- points, people, my airpod, or my sense of control? Never.
Yet, I let myself sit in that yucky, murky, and suffocating feeling until truth kicks in. That’s why I need to read the Bible, stay in prayer, be around my loved ones and community, and stay rooted in God. iPhones have FindmyiPhone! God has FindmyIdentity. He locates where I put it: in school, my my future dream job, in relationships, in my health, in my comfort, and He lets it get shaken so that I know it’s in the wrong place. He shows me where my identity is right on the cross.
I’m Grace -- forgiven, beloved, God’s daughter, and co-heirs with Christ. None of this did I earn or deserve, but it was freely given at the cost of Jesus’ life. It’s all mine. No take-backs. No trade-ins. No 30-day back money guaranteed. I ripped the receipt. I don’t want to be anyone else. Sometimes I forget. I wake up with amnesia in my soul, and I live life like all there is is this life on earth. I live life like Jesus didn’t come to set me free from all this striving (and said failure of my attempts).
I recently reflected on the difficulty I went through emotionally as I felt behind in my academics. Now, I’m sensitive to others. I know what it’s like to struggle. I offer my help in areas of my strengths instead of highlighting them. I seek out tutoring. I pray for help when I study and before tests. I speak verses and words of life over myself. I don’t see other people failing as my gain or success. I have greater compassion because of the momentary suffering. God didn’t let it become a victim narrative in my life: it became a tool for service for others. Imperfect as I am, I try. I try my best! I try to encourage my classmates and friends. I try to share my notes and what I know. I try to overcome my selfishness and desire to have this glory all to myself. I try to not let school eat away at me. I try to not let studies consume my fears. I fail. I succumb sometimes. God’s grace remains steadfast.
My struggle in school also reminds me that I didn’t get here by any natural means. Not hard work. Not brain puberty. I didn’t have this drive, this means, this effort, or this ability on my own. God brought me here, so why would He leave me now?
God led me to optometry school, and He can help me pass and succeed! Even if He doesn’t, God is still in control and still good to me. I don’t need anything to prove that besides Jesus! Jesus is God’s everyday promise that He’s good.
TLDR; School is stressful. I’m super thankful. I also struggle with anxiety. God is good!
Until next time!
Listen to:
CityAlight ~ Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me (Lyrics)
Comments
Post a Comment