Q#1: What’s your favorite kind of cake?
I’m like…super curious about how other people live.
Do you wake up and go running? Drink 8 glasses of water?
To satiate your curious, I’m here to share with you the typical week of my life!
Q#2: Do you start your week on Sunday or Monday?
Sunday
I wake up around 9 am to get ready to go to church. It usually takes me an hour to get there, and my service starts at 11 am so I give myself an hour to get ready. Sunday I get the most dressed up. I do my make up and sometimes my hair. I have freshly showered hair (usually), and it makes me feel good to do these things.
It’s not like I can’t dress like this for school -- and some people do (which get all my respect and admiration). I just like to feel comfy (and sometimes I do look grubby) most days, but Sunday I’ll put in the extra effort. I get to service, and I really enjoy starting in praise and worship. I just feel like it’s me and God and less about me and myself. When I pull back, I think I’m a really self-absorbed person. I think about my wants, what would make me happy, and how I can get these things. But in those first moments, I’m brought back to who God is, and I center myself on God who is bigger than me and all my problems. It’s a fight to keep my eyes on Jesus.
Sometimes I think about skipping church on a busy week (and every week feels busy), but I think about how I wouldn’t skip a clinic or I would show up for a lab. Why does Jesus hold a movable position in my life? An “if I have the time, a good mood, and like church” dependent place in my heart reserved for God. When it comes to school, I know what’s required of me and I’m willing to sacrifice sleep and comfort for my career but not for Christ?
It’s not to make myself feel bad, but I just question myself. I question how much I’m willing to sacrifice when it’s important to me. There’s a saying that people always have time for the things or people that they love. Do I love God? Yes needs to hold weight. God knows how I feel about Him. Do I know how I feel about Him?
Love costs us things. It’s not supposed to be easy or comfortable. It’s not dependent on the weather or feelings or study schedules. I’m not being harsh to myself, but I want to rise to the occasion for my own sake. I want to love God because God means something to me. I don’t want God to be 1.5 hour part of my Sunday morning (optional at best). God doesn’t love us any more or any less if that’s the case. I can skip service and be assured a seat in heaven. I don’t have to be a ‘good’ Christian. I never had to be good, not now or ever, to be able to receive God’s gift of eternal salvation.
I want to love well. Not just myself. Not just people. I want to love well by having the right priorities. It’s for my own benefit to love God first. I am more joyful. I am less self-concerned. I am more capable of handling all my courses when I have that strong foundation of my relationship with God.
More time for school means I only do better in school. More time to sleep only means I have more energy. More time with God affects every part of my life. My mood, my outlook, my resolve, my expectations, my ability to overlook offenses, my heart behind my motives, my desire to do what’s right without the fancy rewards or applause, and there isn’t a part of my life that God doesn’t touch when I let Him in.
God is so patient with me. He doesn’t scold me for days I skip praying or reading the Bible. It’s the patience of God that draws me in. Someone is always waiting for me even at my worst. Even when I’ve left. Even when I’m the toxic and bad one in the relationship. I don’t deserve that unconditional love from God, yet it is freely given everyday.
It makes me want to respond. It makes me want to come back. It’s that I get to choose God, not that I have to. Jesus paid the price of admission, and I can enjoy the ride or I can walk around on the outside kicking rocks and waiting around.
It’s not that everything goes my way. It’s not that I got everything I wanted. God didn’t drop down hundreds of bills or the dream guy into my life. God didn’t say that I would be happy. That was never the promise. You know those people who bring coupons to other stores trying to redeem them?
“1 happy, carefree life” is not what God gave me when I let Jesus take the wheel. It’s really hard sometimes. At night, when it’s just me and God, there are a lot of questions. Sometimes just wordless prayers in the forms of tear stains on pillows. “Do You care about me God? Do I matter to You? Does my suffering mean You don’t love me?”
The questions are good because then God answers in the form of friends, in my family, in kindness from strangers, in the mercy of my professors, in the encouragement of my friends, and in the peace in the storm (not the absence of a storm).
I tell God I don’t want to be stronger. I don’t ask to be tried by fire or tested. Lord, send someone else. I don’t want it to be me. I don’t want to carry my cross. It’s not fun. It’s not cool. It’s not comfortable. It’s heavy. But where will I want to go without God? Where will other paths leave me? Happier? More accomplished? Without pain? I get the harshness of this life without the promise of God that it’ll not only end but it’ll be perfect one day. Life will be perfect: people will be good, I’ll be good, and there will be no more tears.
Who else can offer that? Who can give you what God wants to give you? Who can come close to loving you the way God loves you?
Sunday isn’t just a ritual or religious act to check off. Sunday reminds me who God is and who I am and that life is so much more than everything: that there will one be no more bad and all the good I’ve experienced will be even better and it’ll be forever. I need that. I need that hope to keep going. I need faith to hold me down when nothing else can or will. That doesn’t mean I have to attend every service on Sunday, but I want to try. I want to push myself. I want to see God’s goodness in the land of the living.
Monday
Monday can be flexible for me depending on the week. Some weeks are more free than others. I’m scheduling plans. I’m studying if there’s a test coming up. I’m just gearing up.
I’ll usually do some practice on Monday. Right now we’re learning ophthalmoscopy or oscope which is a technique that lets you look into the back of someone’s eye. We can see your optic nerve and center of vision, all the vessels, and any abnormalities. Everyone’s optic nerve is unique! It can tell you so much about a person: glaucoma status, bleeding, cranial pressures, and you get really close (literally) to your classmates.
Oscope looks like:(yeah we get closer actually)
I’m learning to get more comfortable around other people’s spaces. I feel awkward touching or leaning over them. It’s weird when you have to get so up and personal around a stranger (if it’s a patient) and even your friends or classmates.
It looks like this when we look inside:
Something challenging is when someone’s pupil (that black center of your eye) is super small and you’re trying to look inside. What do you do?
If you shine a bright light in someone’s eyes their pupil gets smaller, so you have to adjust your oscope lighting to get a bigger field of view at the cost of seeing less clearly. Also sometimes since it’s so small, you’ll easily lose your place from your light to their pupil, and I’ll have to start again or really get my patient to focus.
These are things and skills you never thought you’d learn or need. There’s things you don’t know how to handle until you’re faced with a problem. You can’t just give up and decide not to deal with challenging cases or eyes. Sometimes you won’t get it. It’s not always about trying your best, but being able to accept that this is your best and the rest is up to God. The world won’t explode because I can’t find an optic nerve in four minutes, and I’ll learn. I’ll keep learning and getting better.
Mental resolve is so important. The person who gets something easily or right away doesn’t know if they have mental resolve until they hit a challenge. You keep going. You don’t give up when the first few times aren’t going well. You don’t let bad experiences keep you down.
That’s something optometry school is teaching me. One bad experience isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes the best you can do is enough, and you’ll have a make-up packet or you’ll miss some points. Sometimes in the middle of a mistake you learn something that propels your success.
I’m no longer (as) shaky on competencies because my first one threw me for a loop and I survived. I didn’t do great, but now I have the resolve and flexibility to adapt at the moment. Life is never going to follow the plan, but we can’t stay stuck or complain. We can and then we live there. It’s good to be disappointed and sad - but don’t shame yourself with the weapon of “I could’ve done better”.
It’s not a cheap way to make you feel better, but it’s a truth that nothing defines you or needs to shake your confidence. Sometimes we need to be humbled. Sometimes we should’ve done more. Sometimes we fail so that success doesn’t get to our heads. I have to give myself grace in these moments. God doesn’t beat me up for a misstep so why do I?
It’s definitely easier said than done. It’s tempting to be hard on yourself. Just because you forgive yourself for mistakes doesn’t mean you don’t care about who you’re becoming.
Tuesday
Shadowing…can be a hit or miss. I try to come in with a good mindset: learn something new, become interested, be present, and add another tool to my “compassionate future doctor” kit when I’ll need it. Sometimes interns are busy or don’t have the energy or interest to talk to you. Sometimes they’re so engaging and they let me see slit lamp findings or tell me all about the case. Patients are a whole learning experience.
Some are funny and talk with me. Some of them make jokes and present their case to me as if they’re the doctor.
Sometimes interns or doctors will complain (and rightfully so) about difficult patients. Patients are difficult because they’re people, and they’re usually in pain. That doesn’t mean it’s right for them to inflict pain on you, and we need to have those boundaries but I also want to be someone my patients can go to and feel cared for. They’re not just a diagnosis or cool case, but a real person who is loved by God.
I want to start praying for my patients even as I’m only a shadow of an intern (not even a shadow of a full-fledged doctor). God gave them to me. Precious people. I wonder if one day I’ll cry from a patient or supervising doctor. I wonder if I can still look to God and love them. Pray for them. Care about them as if they had just baked me cookies and asked about my day.
It’s easy to be kind to good patients and good people. Will I be able to care for them without a pat on the back or a thank you? I hope so!
I had such a fun case this week. I got to help with a scleral lens fitting for a keratoconus patient. A keratoconus patient has a misshapen cornea or front part of your eye. A scleral lens is a hard lens that makes a new refractive surface so that your eyes can focus the image. It’s much bigger than a normal contact lens, and I saw the difficulty in putting it in.
I was given the chance to help hold her lids open (washed hands!) and saw the process of how even the tiniest blink could cause the whole insertion to start from step one again. I think we went through a vial or two of disposable solutions for one eye, and luckily we figured out a technique so the other one could go more smoothly.
Sometimes I feel kinda useless sitting there, but today I felt so satisfied with what we could do. In a moment she could see 20/20 OU (both eyes).
I really like contact lenses, the immediate impact and relief is super cool. I wear contacts too, and I like it a lot besides my dry eyes.
I was super excited to present my case to our small groups, and our doctor encouraged my excitement and interest. Sometimes a normal patient can be boring for us as students, we want to see interesting (meaning diseased) cases, but I want to find joy in a healthy, boring patient too.
I wonder if I’ll like contact lens clinics when I’m in it, but for now it’s one of the sessions I look forward to.
Wednesday
Dilated Day! It was my turn to get dilated this week, and I think I’m still dilated (it’s Thursday night) a bit. Wednesday I have my Clinical Optometry lab where we learn our skills and testing procedures. It’s a lot of fun, but honestly it’s hard to remember every step and then we don’t use it again because we’re not in clinics (yet).
Caption: Me dilated 2 days later.
Using the slit lamp is getting much easier, I remember how jerky my motions used to be. Our hands are getting so tired doing 90d, a technique we used to see the back of the eye, but I hope to build muscle memory.
I was supposed to go to a “Dining with the Doctors” event on Wednesday with a group of people including some friends, my big (!), and the doctors in Myopia Management, Pediatrics, and Children with Special Needs. I love kids! Even when I was just a kid myself, 13 years old, I was already volunteering to care and teach the smaller kids.
I just like how bright-eyed and curious they are. They ask good questions. They have their own quirks and personalities. I like asking about their favorite color and animal. We talk about the shows they watch and the birthday parties they go to. It’s honestly a blast.
I love going to my Pediatrics clinic too, but I’m not sure if I’m a kid-person at work. I remember the horror of the dilating drops being placed into their eyes. (Eyelids are super strong FYI). It’s tough also to manage with parents I’m sure too.
I wonder what I’ll think when I’m finally at the clinic. I do like being flexible and high-energy!
Anyways, after getting dilated and actually doing an oscope, a handheld technique for looking at the back of your eye, dilated - I went to our simulator labs where my friends were doing Slit Lamp modules. You get a dummy patient who even screams when you touch their eye (and it lowers your score). It’s interesting to see the technology coming out, but we’ve been doing optometry without all these training machines and I think we’re better off working on each other.
I got home tired and luckily (?) since I’m near-sighted, I can just take off my glasses and see fine. I ended up doing some work, and I’ve been sleeping pre-1 am almost every night which is a MAJOR healthy, positive habit I’ve been able to discipline myself into (as I type at 12:13 am…).
Interestingly enough, even though I sleep earlier, my grades have been the same? I wonder if that’s because I over-study or I waste a lot of time earlier in my day and now I’m possibly more efficient.
Taking care of my body is something I’m more mindful of as I watch my parents age. Lifelong habits become life debilitating diseases.
Thursday
Thursday I have no lab which means I don’t have to come in. This is the best because I love sleeping in and saving the hours I commute. I woke up early to watch (attempted to watch) my optics lecture, but I wasn’t able to keep up with my professor’s pace so I ended up leaving it be.
I made plans to go to a cafe with my school friends Friday and dinner plans Saturday with some other friends. I’m figuring out balancing, and I want to do a good job! I want to do well in school and have fun. I’m high-key a tryhard when it comes to school. I don’t just want to get the grades, but what I learn matters and I’m figuring out how to jam a million facts into my brain before bed.
I took a walk with my dog today, and it’s so nice to get outside. I’ve been trying to get into the habit of wearing my sunglasses more, but I have to sacrifice wearing my glasses so it’s a bit annoying: good vision or sun-protection?
When I get home, I get back into studying and I make plans to go to Chicago for an optometry conference! I’m excited to go, and I want to make memories this year. Optometry school has flown by, and I’m so thankful to God that I’m here. I have friends. I’m doing well in all my classes (so far…). I wonder where the next three years will take me, and I want to be someone who can go the distance. I want to start and finish strong.
Friday
This morning I wanted to try something new: riding the Express bus! It’s more expensive than the regular MTA, but some pros are that it's above ground (ie safer-ish), I don’t have to wait for a bus and a train if I walk to my stop? There’s been a rise in Asian hate crimes and homelessness in subway transit, and it’s really sad to see and sometimes just scary. I’ve thankfully been okay so far, but there’s been incidents like Michelle Go being pushed into the tracks and killed that really strike fear into my heart.
Well, the Express bus wasn’t all flowers and roses too. My bus driver was definitely an aggressive driver, and I found myself getting carsick. I felt like the Lord was ministering to me in that moment -- LOL -- that sometimes we take one route thinking it’s safer but it comes at a cost. Sometimes the ‘more comfortable’ path comes with a lot of hidden traps and costs later on that the seemingly more difficult path had up front.
I got to school safely, and I grabbed myself an Iced Caramel Latte with Oat Milk: this is my go-to order. Then I went to school, found myself an empty study room, and watched some of the optics lecture I had left. Then I go to supervised practice where I did more oscope, practiced writing down results, and did some slit lamp.
Caption: corneal endothelium picture of my friend’s eye!
There’s something super duper satisfying about finding the right image in your slit lamp.
Then, my friends and I went to this newly opened Maman’s (a cafe) near our school. Luckily, we downloaded the app and got $5 credit for our food. The desserts ended up kind of dry and (personally) overhyped besides the pretty aesthetic. I just liked being with my friends and enjoying ourselves!
Caption: we got all these pastries for like $11 total because of the Maman app deal!
After that, I got home and had dinner with my family since my brother came back from college.
Today, my friend and I finally booked our Chicago trip too! I’m really excited to go to an optometry meeting, and just have a nice vacation with my friends. I love the fact that I can plan trips like this too! Makes me feel like an adult (I am an adult - in fact I’ll be having my birthday soon)!
I’m so proud of myself. I’m proud of the person God is making me.
Saturday
Saturday was a jam-packed day. I’m racing against the clock to post this by Saturday because I just came home from dinner with my amazing friends. I had lunch with my family first at a delicious Japanese barbecue spot for my early birthday, and it was so nice to spend time with them. I know that I am so lucky to come from such a loved family. I didn’t get to choose them, and they didn’t get to choose me -- but God just knew we were all a good fit.
Thank you to my mom: giver of life, for carrying me in your belly, and for loving me every single day even when I’m grouchy.
Thank you to my dad: who makes me laugh, drives me everywhere, and tells me never to stop doing my best.
Thank you to my brothers: I’m glad I’m your big sister, grow up well!
Thank you to my dog, Angel: our cuddles and your wagging tail have made me so happy.
Then, I studied for the next 3 hours because school doesn’t stop on the weekend even if you were born 22 years and 364 days ago. I’m thankful I’m in school! I’m grateful to be here despite all my complaints and long nights. God gave me calling and passion. God gave me a dream that I would be here: and I’m here due to His grace and mercy alone.
I have been far from perfect everyday of my life, but God’s grace sustains me everyday!
After that I grabbed dinner with my friends. These are people I know so well now, and we’ve walked through so many difficulties and celebrations. Birthdays, breakdowns, break ups, graduations, ministry highs and lows, and I’m so thankful to call them people I get to know and love. My life is so much richer and fuller with these precious peeps. Thank you so much to my friends who celebrated with me and the ones who make my life so wonderful/spectacular/awesome.
My life is not perfect. My life is not everything I thought it would be half a year ago, but it’s so much better. It’s better than I could’ve imagined. It’s not my wildest dreams - it’s God’s wildest dreams for me. I get to just live in it. So as I countdown to 23 years of life on this spinning rock we call earth:
Thank You, Jesus, for being my rock! Thank You for being my life. Thank You for loving me forever and forever. I love You, and even if I didn’t You love me. This blog, my life, and who I am belongs to You and You alone. You loved me first and You love me always. God, thank You for knitting me together in my mom’s womb. Before I was a thought in her mind, I was already planned and purposed into existence by Your heart and hands.
No matter what happened: I’m so happy to be here. I’m so happy because I choose to be. I choose this day to be grateful. I choose each day to walk with my Savior. It is worth every heartache and every low to know the heights of knowing You more, God.
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