Hi, guys! Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported me throughout this crazy journey. I feel so blessed to be doing something I love! I am passionate about optometry, and God has given me the calling to pursue this career path. God has also continued to sustain me through each and every season. As I embark on my finals, I wanted to share with you an update on how things are going for me.
Before that, I want to share a time of prayer:
Dear God,
Thank You for bringing me this far. I could easily credit myself. It’s easy to think I did this and got myself this far, but it’s not true. What’s true is You’re helping me. I’m sorry for the moments I’m lazy, negative, doubtful, and ungrateful. I’m sorry because I know that’s now who I have to be anymore. I am a really selfish person at heart, and I cringe when I think about all the ways I serve myself first -- but You chose me to transform me into someone more like Jesus. In all my flaws and faults, You still use me for Your glory. Who is like You, God?
Thank You for not counting me out of Your big plans. Please help me move. Please challenge me. Please humble me when I get too big headed or think about myself more than You. Jesus, please be with me always -- never stop knocking on the door of my heart, Lord.
In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen.
Final Competency - I love what I do
Shoot. I forgot my prism bars.
Luckily, it’s not my actual competency yet, I’m just practicing. Practicing 1-2x times a day, sometimes 3x, and for hours. Wanna see what my week looked like?
Classes, practice, and more practice. It’s really tough to balance my life -- but somehow I managed. I want to feel confident about my skills! I want to feel like I gave things my all. God made me into that kind of person. Yes, I can just get by. Yes, I can pass with half the amount of effort or hours.
But I love what I do. I love refining my skills. I love feeling my hands shake less each time. I love how seamless words I’ve said a dozen times come out of my mouth. During a competency, your flight or fight kicks in. Your stomach tightens. Your fingers are shaking. Your mind is doing a million things. You have to go on auto-pilot sometimes.
I really like spending hours learning the basics then refining each day. I like teaching my friends and building their confidence. I liked feeling like we’re in this together, and that someone can fill in the gaps for you just because you’re friends. Correcting each other. Understanding the struggle. They take my hands and pull them apart, “Your hands are too narrow. You need lighting. You forgot to converge.”
They pick up on my weak spots and it makes me stronger.
“Don’t forget to ask them this. You need to be in this magnification setting. It’s okay, try again.”
We need each other. I need my friends and my classmates. Each person has so much value. I like practicing with different people, they notice different things I miss. I notice things for them too. We build on each other. We learn from one another. They have tips and tricks for 90d.
Where would I be without everyone?
Sometimes, I can get too self-absorbed and think I got good on my own, I’ll admit my own conceit (with a dose of shame). I have to remind myself that no amount of practice or effort can sit in for me as a patient or let me practice on them or tell me what I’m doing wrong. I am reliant on others. I am dependent on their kindness, and I need to remind myself of that.
God, please help me to be reminded of how needy I am. I pray that I can see how the only reason I’m here is because of the kindness of others.
The Kindness of God
God’s kindness is evident every day. On good days and bad days. God is good to me.
When I catch that bus right on time. When my friends send me their notes for no reason. When my big spends time helping me practice. When my friends feed me yummy food and share snacks. When my friends let me use their clipboard for competency. When my professors ask questions on the test just after I studied it! When upper years take time to give me tips and share their advice.
God-moments are all around me in school! God protects me. God looks out for me. School can be so lonely. Only you know what it’s like to be you. We’re all in the same school and life, but there’s only me living my life and struggling.
It feels good to know that God cares about you. People can care about you, but they have their own lives and struggles. They also can’t do much for you as if they're only human. They can’t save you. They can’t stop their lives because you’re troubled at least not for long. They can’t know the pain in your heart. Sometimes I don’t even know those things. Yet, God, not only cares, He knows, He’s there, and He can do something about it.
God is always there for me and for you too. Even if you don’t know God like that. He’s there for you. You don’t even have to know He’s there, and He’s still there.
I remember going down the elevator to the basement where my competency is held. I recited Psalm 23:
I am just a dumb sheep. Not worth much. LOL. I can’t help. I can’t do much. In danger, I can’t run fast. I follow other sheep into peril. What good is a sheep? Yet, God is my Shepherd. God finds good grass and clean water for me. God watches me as I sleep so that I don’t need to be watching for danger.
See what Jesus says about Himself:
“I lay down my life for the sheep.”
Uhm, I don’t get paid enough for any job to lay down my life. God? Why do You do that?
Why do You care for us? But God does! He cares for us.
During my competency, I got a great doctor, great patients, and everything went smoothly. I couldn’t control a lot of these things, but the Lord had it under control. I also could’ve had a difficult doctor, patient, and everything could’ve been a mess - and the Lord would still have it under control, but I’m so glad that God took care of things in the first way.
Sometimes God confuses me because the second situation happens, and I wonder if God is upset with me. When things go bad, is God mad? Is God sleeping? Did God forget me? Did God hate me? But God isn’t karma. God doesn’t give evil for good or evil for evil even! I know that because of the cross of Jesus.
When I was a sinner, Christ died for me. Jesus repaid my evil for good. So, if things are difficult, that’s a form of good I didn’t expect.
I remember my first ever competency. I came out feeling like I was going to burst into tears. I just knew I did a bad job. I was confused. I was sad. I was breathing super heavy, what happened there? I thought I practiced enough. I thought I was ready. Sometimes, you will prepare for storms and be met with a fire. It’s not that you didn’t prepare, but you cannot prepare for everything.
At that moment, I remember receiving a lot of comfort from my friends and classmates. I was so loved and encouraged by them, and I knew more about what kind of challenges they expected. I started preparing for fires too. Now retinoscopy has become an easier skill for me (not easy, but easier), and it’s prepared me to understand and help others.
I also remember how easy it is for me to get lost in my grades and other people’s verdict on me. When you apply to a school or a job or maybe you’re looking for a relationship, there is an evaluation of you. It boils down to this question:
Am I Enough?
Am I enough to get into your program?
Am I enough to get this job position?
Am I good enough to pass this test or class?
Am I good enough to be your girlfriend or wife?
Sometimes the results are in: Yes!
Cheers. Balloons. Streamers. You cheer.
Then, sometimes the answer is no.
No makes you rethink your life. No makes you question God’s love for you. No has you staining your pillows with tears.
I don’t doubt if I’m supposed to be here. I don’t have imposter syndrome. I know God has given me a place here. I belong here because God carved out a Grace-sized hole for me. But I don’t know if I can make the distance. I don’t know if I can endure the trials. I don’t know if belonging is enough to get to the finish line.
2 Timothy 4:7 reads “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” Lord, I don’t know if that’s me. I don’t know if that’s where I’ll go. I feel pressure to be someone. I feel discouraged by the attacks.
Won’t it be easier to stop running the race?
Yes, I’m trying my best. My best isn’t enough. Your best isn’t enough. You cannot be everything you want because you believe it. Life has limits. I’m not glass half-full or half-empty. I know myself. I know that at some point, I have an end to my abilities: and only at my end, does Jesus come in and finish what I couldn’t.
Hebrews 12: 3-4
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
How do we finish?
We have Jesus take the lead. We have Jesus take the baton. We have Jesus.
No one is going to finish this race of their own strength. Salvation comes by grace alone. Jesus’ gift is free to everyone who wants in! You finish when you give up trying to finish the race yourself.
It’s hard because we don’t get the glory. The gold medal isn’t in our names, but Jesus takes the medal He won and places it around you on your behalf. Jesus won for you. Jesus won for me. I have victory in Jesus through Jesus. Jesus will finish strong. You, me, we let Him.
Finals
As final approaches, I have a lot of thoughts. It’s the final leg of this race. First year has been a jumble of highs and lows. I’m glad I’m here. I’m grateful for the opportunity. I’m happy that this is what I’ll get to do, but I need to remember that doing is not being. Doing good, doing work, doing well is not why I was put on this Earth.
I have finals, but I also have a final goal behind all of this. To be with God. To be closer to God. To be more like Jesus. I was put here to be loved and accepted by God through Jesus’ sacrifice. What I could not do, Jesus did on my behalf. How wonderful is that? How beautiful is our Savior?
To be honest, I am scared. Will I have to retake any finals? Will I be forced to reconsider my path? Will I be able to pass my tests? It’s not easy to feel like you’ve gotten so close. That’s why people say it’s better to place Bronze than Silver. Bronze is just happy to be here. Silver is thinking about how they could’ve went for Gold.
Just Happy to Be Here
4.0 GPA or marginally competent. I’m just happy to be here. Not just in optometry school. In my life, I’m just happy to be here. I think I live an extraordinary life. I get to be in one of the greatest cities. I get a roof over my head. I eat every day. I have a bed. I have shoes. I can take the bus. I go to graduate school. I have friends. I have a church and community. I get all these add-ons and bonuses beyond the sufficient gift of eternal life and an ongoing relationship with Jesus.
Everything has to be on the basis of my faith. Everything is worth nothing if God’s not in it. I learned that before. I used to have it all and feel empty and lifeless. I would chase happy feelings to my own peril. I would chase after the wind. I wouldn’t question my life or my purpose because I didn’t even know those were things you cared about.
Meaning. Hope. Faith. Love. My life is full. There is fullness of joy in Jesus. Everything else is a byproduct. Another gift from my Heavenly father, but nothing can replace the joy I have now. No matter what happens, God is with me. No matter how my finals go, God is for me. No matter who says yes or no or good enough, God has the final word.
Ending Prayer
Dear Lord,
Thank You for being so good to us. I’m happy to be here with You. I know that I can never measure up on my own. I know that all my own effort is useless, but You came along and put me on Your shoulders. You made a way when there was no way. You give me a song to sing. I’m singing in the storms. I’m singing through the fires. I’m singing because no situation can take me away from You. There is no one like You, Jesus. You are mine, and I am Yours. That’s all I need to have joy. That’s all I want. I’m not perfect, but I’m making baby steps. Closer and closer. I can’t wait to see You! I want to do a good job. I want to make You happy. I want to be faithful until the end.
In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen
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