I think I’ve rewritten this 2 times so far. It’s hard to summarize a year into one page. Luckily, I have several entries already in optometry school, and it’s so exciting to see how far I’ve come. I’m thankful to God for taking me from point A to Z and every point in-between. The fun (sometimes scary) thing about life is that you never know what’s around the corner. You don’t know what adventures lie ahead. You’re in for the ride, but you’re never alone. Family. Friends. Jesus. I’m grateful to be here!
I haven’t posted a blog in two weeks because even though I made a commitment to post every Saturday, I still need to work on being accountable and doing tangible steps like putting it in my calendar and planning out. I’m glad I can share with you all today, and I hope that you see the cool things God is doing in my life this past year!
3 Things I Learned
I’m changing the definition of “doing my best”.
No one is perfect. My life is a clear example of that. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. Forgetting to submit something. Not spreading out my studying schedule enough. Life isn’t about never failing, it’s about getting back up and overcoming setbacks. In John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
There are a million ways I could’ve done better this semester, but it’s not just about doing my best. I think doing my best is important, but sometimes I have to ask why is this my best? Not in a mean way. Not in a perfectionist, anxiety-inducing way. But just a thoughtful question to chew on.
Why is this my best? Is it because of the hours I spend? Is it because of the grade I got? Is it because of the effort I put in? Or is it the heart and motivation I have behind it?
Sometimes, I don’t put in enough hours studying for a quiz and I’ll get perfect marks. Other times, I put in way too many hours and I make a million mistakes. Effort doesn’t always equal successive outcomes. I can sometimes control it. Yes, I can get home right away and study. Yes, I can plan better. But I can’t control how tired I am, the mounting work I have, my family issues at the moment, my current state of health, the relational problems in my life, and the motivation to pick up a book and study.
I can decide that I’m going to take a deep breath and dedicate each moment, good and bad, to God. Doing my best, to me, means surrender. It means I do everything within my power, control, and jurisdiction and I give the rest over to God. I let God decide how merciful my professors are with grading and questions. I let God decide who will be my supervising doctor during competencies. I let God figure out the next step while I’m still getting my footing.
Doing my best is something I’m actively choosing in faith. It’s deciding that I am probably in 1% control of my life, and that’s a good thing because God is in charge of 100% of what happens. God gives me the wisdom to tackle each situation as it comes. Not before. So doing my best isn’t predicting how everything will go, it’s not feeling the need to control what happens in the end.
I have to believe that God is for me. Even in the bad times. Especially in the bad times.
I don’t know how my mental sanity would be intact otherwise. I’m trying my best, but God is doing the best for me. In every moment, God is taking my mistakes, my failures, my successes, and my victories and making this beautiful masterpiece.
Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
God is and was preparing me in every moment.
There are moments in my life that honestly seem pointless. I don’t understand how this will help me further my goals or my dreams. If anything, these events seem to take me further away.
In the book of Genesis, there’s a story of a man named Joseph who was given a dream by God. God told him that he would be in a position of power, and that all the members of his family would come before him. He told this dream to his brothers, and they threw him into this pit and plotted to kill him.
Bruised physically and emotionally, I wonder if Joseph felt confused. I wonder if Joseph knew what God was going to do next, but all he actually knew was that he was in a dark place. This was the furthest he could be from his dream. I wonder if he doubted himself. If he questioned God. If he felt like the dream he had was really just a dream.
The story of Joseph has really birthed new life in me as I dealt with some deep disappointments and shifts in my walk with God. I experienced brokenness and defeat in ways I didn’t know my soul could bare. I still wonder where God is taking me now, but I realize I can’t look at Joseph’s story like my own.
Joseph was eventually sold as a slave, wrongfully thrown into prison, and then forgotten for two years in jail after helping two men interpret their dreams. In this time he could’ve grown bitter at his brothers, the world, at his situation, at himself, and at God. I don’t know what he wrestled with, but it said “God was with him”. Did he know that or was the author who wrote it with hindsight adding that for future audiences?
Sometimes I look at my life, and I wonder if someone was writing my story, would they add “and God was with Grace”? There are moments when I’m going through school and life, and I realize that previous seasons of my life prepared me for this moment now. I didn’t know it then. I had no idea what troubles I would face, but God, knowing in advance, prepared me to not just survive difficulty but to thrive and proclaim the goodness of God.
I can always have joy.
I really want to be happy. Happy as in “everything goes my way, when I think it should happen, and how I think it should happen”. I thank God when I pass the test. I thank God when I catch the bus just on time. I thank God for the wonderful things that happen -- and that’s exactly what I should do. God is the giver of all good gifts.
James 1:17
Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.
All good things are from God! Yet, God doesn’t just want me to be okay only when my circumstances are good. That’s too shallow. Happiness is too shallow. God desires to give me surpassing joy. Joy is confidence and contentment in God. Joy doesn’t mean I don’t have wants or needs. Joy doesn’t mean I have everything I want. Joy is knowing that God has forgiven me for everything I have ever done, and now I can have a relationship with Him that I didn’t earn. Joy is knowing that my value and worth comes from Christ alone. Joy comes through knowing my identity in Christ, and no one can take that from me or change that.
The gift of grace is mine. God will give me contentment. I don’t need to compare my dreams, my income, my zip code, my body, my family, my friends, my summer plans, or my life to anyone else’s. I am free to live as Grace. I know God carefully and purposefully created me exactly how I am. God designed me. God made me with love!
I can have joy even in the midst of storms. I can have joy in the middle of a breakdown. I can have joy because I always have Jesus.
2 Habits I Picked Up
Putting my Phone Away
I would definitely say that using my phone sucks away hours of my life for the most part, but something I’ve been really getting into is charging my phone in my room away from my reach. I can still grab it if I need to. I can walk over and look at my notifications. But it takes that added effort I usually can just stay on topic and continue to do my work.
I also keep my phone away while I go to bed. Using my phone in bed can turn my 12 AM bedtime, which is already pretty late, to a 2 AM bedtime if I can even sleep right away. It’s been something that has helped me get a lot more rest. I even have to get out of bed to shut off my alarm. It’s something so small that definitely improved my quality of life for school and beyond.
Setting a bedtime alarm
Sleeping time for me can vary. I definitely lost more sleep during finals, but during my second semester up until midterms I was really loose with my sleeping schedule. I didn’t like it though, and I decided I would set an alarm for 11:55 PM each day to get away from studying and head to bed.
I would sometimes hit the snooze or finish up another packet, but for the most part, I was able to settle down and make a small commitment. I think there is so much power in the small actions we take. We are changing the course of our lives everyday. God gives me power in these small ways to put limits and boundaries for my own benefit, and I’ve been able to do well in school!
1 Thing I Want to Tell My Future Self
I am so proud of you. There is so much you don’t know will happen, and it’s all there waiting for you. There are things you might never understand, but it had to happen this way so that you could be who you need to be now. There might be setbacks. There might be a lot more tears. It’s okay to doubt. It’s normal to be afraid, but you’re not doing this alone. You will never need to go through anything alone. It’s hard to make commitments. It’s hard to take risks. It’s hard to find the best path from all the good paths, but God is with you, your friends and family will be by your side, and you can trust each promise God has made to you!
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