Dear God,
We lift Your name on high. Mountains will bow. Seas will part. You will always be the same. You will always fulfill Your purpose for me. Nothing can stand against You. Nothing can keep Your love from us. No one can change Your unfailing love. Show us Your grace. Grant us Your mercy. We need You now and forever, Lord.
Love,
Grace
Where are we going?
If you know me, you’ll know I’m a planner. If we’re on vacation, I’ll have the itinerary, directions, best routing, places to eat, and time it’ll take for each place we’re planning to go to. It’s a super power when used correctly, and it’s my own worst enemy when not.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my life, and a year ago this is not how I would’ve pictured things.
Honestly, I don’t know if it’s better than what I would’ve imagined either.
These days I feel more like a child strapped in the back seat of their parents’ car asking “Where are we going?” and it could either be the dentist or Disney.
I have a hard time trusting God with my plans. I have some pretty good plans. Great plans, even. They’re plans that make me smile. They’re plans that I’ve wanted for a while now and I still want them to happen. But God has a very different idea of good plans because I don’t like these plans much.
Is it okay to say that? I don’t really like God’s plans for me at the moment. They’re so different from what I wanted for myself.
God, where are we going? It seems like we’ll never be there.
Discomfort and unfamiliarity makes me feel like I’m distrustful of God, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t like when God is God and I’m me. God is in control, and He gets to go where He pleases.
It’s not easy for me to let go. I’m a do-er. I’m a go-getter. I take the initiative. I’ll be proactive. I’m not used to taking my hand off the wheel. It doesn’t feel good to be in the passenger seat when you don’t trust the driver.
That has nothing to do with God. He’s the best driver, but I’m controlling. I’m anxious. I’m a planner. Enough with the scenic route, God! I want to know where we’re going and who will be there and what time we plan to arrive.
No ETA
God is not Google Maps. He doesn’t tell me if there’s traffic from Point A to B.
I find out there’s traffic when we hit traffic. I don’t know if we’re almost there, half way, or we’re barely out of the parking lot.
You know what’s funny? Being a responsible adult is coming early. Being God is coming just on time, not a second too early or too late. But it can feel like God is late. Often by three days.
There’s this story found in John 11 where Jesus hears that His beloved friend, Lazarus, is ill. Lazarus’ sisters, Martha and Mary, are waiting for Jesus but when the messenger comes back, Jesus isn’t with him. In fact, the sisters have to bury their brother and they’ve been mourning for three days before Jesus enters the scene.
Why? Why does Jesus wait for death to happen? Why not save them the trouble and the pain?
Throughout the Bible, we’ve seen Jesus heal. But God didn’t want to heal Lazarus.
Read that again. God didn’t want to heal Lazarus.
God wanted to resurrect Lazarus.
God had something else in mind.
I don’t know what you had in mind for your life. The dream job with the fancy title and big paycheck. The beautiful two bedroom apartment with a view of the city all within walking distance of a Trader Joe’s (my dream). The dreamy guy or girl you’ve been waiting for. The bundle of joy your arms feel empty without. The book manuscript that God told you to write but no one wants to publish.
I know what I’ve been longing for.
What God had in mind for Lazarus was beyond anything him and his sisters could’ve imagined. Healing was within their realm of reality. They had seen it happen. God wanted to show them something different. Something only He could do for them. Something that required death, grieving, and mourning. The price of a miracle that size was their whole heart. A price they wouldn’t willingly pay, but God needed it for greater to happen.
When it comes to Jesus, there’s nothing we can do but give our whole heart. We can try to give half. Maybe 7/8ths on a really good night if we’re at a conference. But God is longing too. God has your whole heart in mind when He woos you to Himself.
That may require allowing your heart to break first. A broken heart isn’t lesser in God’s eyes. It’s not a consolation prize. It’s the ultimate prize.
It’s crazy if you think about God of the universe, maker of the heavens and the earth, the beginning and the end, being crazy about you. Going to the lengths He went through to be with you. Knowing you’d reject Him. Knowing I’d love other things or people more. God went through it all for us.
So, Jesus wasn’t indifferent to the sadness of Lazarus’ death. Jesus wept. Jesus was with them. Jesus cared. Jesus wasn’t punishing them for not having enough faith.
It’s Okay to Be Disappointed
“How dare you be disappointed in God! Don’t you trust Him?”
I’ve had this battle in my heart and in my head for a long time. It’s ongoing too.
I’m not allowed to be mad at God. I’m not allowed to be disappointed things didn’t happen the way I wanted them too. I’m not allowed to be frowning in God’s presence. I should just trust Him. I should just accept it with a smile.
But God is so different than I could’ve imagined too.
If you read what happened, Martha came to meet Jesus and Mary stayed at home. We don’t know why she didn’t come to meet Jesus. Maybe she was busy preparing things for the funeral. Maybe she had guests to serve. Maybe she just didn’t want to see someone she thought would come through for her but didn’t.
I think, if I’m allowed to assume, she was disappointed and hurt. She had expectations of what Jesus would do, and it wasn’t entitled or rude of her to want those things. Jesus loved their family. They were friends. They had dinners. They had conversations. They had a relationship.
She didn’t want to meet Jesus because in her heart, He didn’t want to meet them when they needed Him most.
I don’t know how you’ve responded to disappointments in your life. I've definitely taken long breaks from church and from God. I’ve had to grapple with the idea that a good God would allow me into bad situations. I wouldn’t wish that kind of heartache and confusion on anyone.
In between choked sobs, I find myself saying, “I trusted You, God, and You let me down.”
It’s different from the disappointments you’ve ever felt before. You know other people are human. Broken. Sick. Unable or unwilling. Then you grow up hearing how God loves you, cares about you, and He’s all powerful and able to do miracles. Then when you need Him to do said miracles, believing that He loves you, and He doesn’t…you shatter into a million pieces.
I came to this awful crossroads. Do I believe that:
God cares about me but He can’t help me much?
God doesn’t care about me and He just doesn’t want to help me?
Any semblance of theology goes out the window and into the dumpster. There’s a term I found very helpful, and it’s referenced in the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and it’s “The Dark Night of the Soul”. If I had to define it myself, I’d say it’s a breaking down of everything in your world. Who you thought you were. Who you thought God was. What your life means. Why you’re even alive. What you’ll do now. Who you’ll be after.
It’s crazy because during those three days Mary and Martha were crying out from the pit of their misery, Jesus never told them “I’ll be there in three days” or “It’s okay, I’m going to do something”. Jesus actually didn’t give them a message back. Jesus was silent. Is that cruel? Sometimes it feels cruel. When I need God the most, after the worst of the imaginable has occurred, I want Him to be the most vocal. I want to hear His booming voice break through the sound barrier. I want something, and He’s silent.
Honestly, I don’t have a cool saying for you like “Hold on, Jesus is on the way!” or “Wait on God, and He’ll resurrect your dreams”. I don’t know honestly. Mary and Martha didn’t know how their story would end. I don’t either. Not for my life and especially not for yours. I’m with you in the confusion. In the searching. In the whys.
All I know is God is there.
All I know is that whatever I wanted, God had something else in mind and it doesn’t always feel better. Sometimes it feels worse. It’s not what I dreamed of that’s for sure. But God is giving me the grace to accept what’s happened and what’s out of my control. God is making a way for me to live in the life that I have right in front of me. God is doing something and it’s good, but it’s not what I had in mind.
It’s a simple, childlike faith that I struggle to have most of the time.
Mom doesn’t want you to eat snacks because she has dinner in mind. Dad doesn’t want you to date that guy because he knows you deserve better.
But I want the gummy worms. I want the guy even if I’m crying more than smiling.
It’s hard because I want “better” right away. But dinner will never be gummy worms. It’s good, but it’s different. It’s not trying to be a better version of gummy worms. It’s not going to be a consolation prize for what you really wanted. It’s just a different good than you imagined. It’s something else.
Will God’s plans be better than my plans?
Yes! Of course, I know in my head that’s true.
But in my heart, I’m not sure. I’m not there if there is a “there”. I’m working through it though. I’m trying my best to surrender. Many days are a struggle. I know the truth, but my heart is still catching up. I’m not sure.
Sometimes I’m Martha running to meet Jesus. Sometimes I’m Mary sitting at home and I don’t want to see Him. Does that mean God is unhappy with me? Is God grouchy because I don’t happily accept my circumstances? I think God is big enough to handle me in all the ways that I’m figuring it out.
God gives us space to sort through our feelings for Him. It isn’t a multiple choice quiz with one right answer. God’s grace allows the room to be emotional without it being a sin. David and his psalms show me that crying out to God, feeling confused, and being hurt are all well within God’s loving reach.
God’s plans will be different from my plans, and that’s okay.
Closing Prayer
Dear God,
Life is very difficult. I’m sure that’s not a surprising statement, but I’m surprised by it. I’m surprised by how many plans I can have and how differently things turn out. It’s something I’m still trying to surrender. Letting Your plans happen without resistance. Letting Your way be the way I follow. Help me have more humility. Help me to not see situations with earthly eyeballs that only know some warped version of the truth. I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, and even if I did I wouldn’t be able to control it. But You’re in control, and it’s better if I just let You do whatever You want to do because it’ll be good. It’s always been good. It will always be good.
Thank You Lord,
Grace
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