Dear God,
I pray that everyone reading this would enjoy learning with me. I pray that we would have fruitful, purposeful marriages either one day or already that are based on loving You. I pray that we would find ways to see more of Your design and plan for our lives, and I pray that You would guide us each step of the way.
Love,
Grace
I Would Never Marry A Stranger, Right?
OKAY, fine! I’m a self-admitted reality TV show junkie. But I can stop anytime, I promise…anyways, thank you all for the love and support for my blog on Love is Blind Season 2: After the Altar (read here if you missed out)! I’m back at it again with the show “Married at First Sight” Season 10, and what I learned about love, relationships, and marriage through this crazy show.
First, the premise goes: “The cart comes way before the horse in the reality series "Married at First Sight." Based on a hit Danish format, "Married..." features people who agree to participate in an extreme experiment: Each covenants legal marriage with a complete stranger. Specialists -- including a spiritualist, a relationship coach and a sociologist -- use scientific matchmaking methods to determine each couple, who will not have met or had contact with each other until the wedding day. The series then documents the relationships, including honeymoons and other relatable events of married life. After several weeks, each couple must decide whether to remain together or go their individual ways.”
First, as a future doctor, the fact that the word scientific is used is interesting to me. Is it like: she likes hiking and he wants to live in the countryside? He likes traveling for work and she wants to visit every country in the world? How do you use science to match people who are completely illogical and don’t even know themselves (including me)?
As I thought about the craziness of it all, and while I will never choose to marry a complete stranger, I think even if you marry someone you’ve known, dated, and gotten along with for years, there will come a point where that person is a stranger you’re married to! Yes, you might know someone as a morning person, but did you know they sing in the shower even if it’s 6AM and leave razor hair all over the sink? Yeah, she loves to cook, but maybe she leaves the dishes to “soak” overnight and you can’t sleep with dishes unwashed.
While not inherent deal breakers or red flags of any kind, these differences can culminate in a hundred different ways. Something I learned is to accept that as much as you know someone (or maybe even yourself), you will find yourself married to a stranger because marriage forces you to experience in fullness every part of this person’s quirks and personality traits that while beloved in small doses become points of friction in everyday life.
The same fights in the beginning are usually the same reason why things end. No one breaks up because the other person is too considerate, too kind, too caring, too gentle-hearted, or too communicative. Usually the initial problems couples have at first, they carry throughout the relationship.
Emotional abandonment
No one who physically abandons their spouse or family does it without emotional abandonment first. It’s so important while dating to see how this person handles conflict if they even handle it at all. Does this person shut down while talking about difficult conversations? Are your concerns ignored or considered annoying? Are you afraid to share because this person will become SO upset that you will become the bad guy for bringing up important issues?
I don’t think everyone needs to have the same conflict style, but there should always be a foundation of respect, willingness to listen and be present, and consideration for the other party while maintaining boundaries. Easier said than done…
But as I watched Married at First Sight (MAFS) couples interact, I saw a lot of instances of emotional abandonment preceding or immediately accompanied with physical abandonment. Emotional abandonment is harder to recognize because while the person is physically present, emotionally they can check out by ignoring what you’re sharing, disregarding your concerns, minimizing your worries, and only talking about what they want to discuss or only hearing what they want to hear.
I think that if one person likes to reflect, take time away from the other party to be able to respond better, and can’t process things as quickly there can be conversation beforehand about that! I think these conversations, if possible, happening before a major conflict can improve the relationship dynamic and prevent hurtful misunderstandings. Of course, I speak in an ideal vacuum so I definitely acknowledge that in a perfect world we would all be proactive, kind, and considerate. It also takes a lot of self-awareness with both parties. It takes a willingness to put aside your preferred style of communication in favor of what works best for the party, not for the person.
Trauma doesn’t excuse bad behavior
Just because someone was hurt in the past doesn’t excuse them hurting you in the present. Having baggage isn’t a “get out of jail free” card in relationships. Of course, we can be more understanding to each other. Our trauma is serious, and it’s going to impact our daily lives and relationships, but that doesn’t mean now as a wounded soul, you can’t be held accountable for your rough edges.
There is a limit to someone’s understanding before lying, cheating, stonewalling, breaking promises, and walking away before a sob story becomes manipulative. I think that it’s important to be patient but having boundaries is also important. No one is supposed to save another person, that’s Jesus’ job and He’s really good at it so don’t step up for superheroes when you’re just a sheep (@ myself).
The Experts Don’t Know Either
When people put their trust in the expert matchmakers, it’s not that they don’t have the credentials or good intentions to make a match, but it’s the fact that they -- like all of us -- don’t know what we’re doing. While there are couples who continue to stay married or even go on to have children, the experts aren’t always better at picking.
Something I realized is how people would just blatantly lie to the experts or just out of ignorance be unable to recognize some very difficult truths about themselves. They were excited and ready for the ideals of marriage, but when it came down to it they coped poorly, reacted out of anger, cheated, lied, manipulated, ran away, and during their interviews: committed, kind, considerate, family-loving, ambitious, and straightforward.
When it comes down to it, all our “pickers” are off. We’re also not the people we think we deserve too. Of course, no one deserves a liar, cheater, or abuser. At the same time, a lot of the traits we have aren’t so pleasant. Harsh tones. Demanding requests. Unyielding stubbornness. Constant ruminations. Rolling our eyes. But as long as we’re not as bad as the other person, our own behavior is more permissible and acceptable.
We don’t know how bad our behavior is. We don’t know who would or wouldn’t be a good match for us. They don’t know either. So, what can we do?
I’m no expert myself, but I know something special! God, Love embodied, knows a thing or two about real love. Real marriage. When God talks about Himself, He’s referred to as the groom and His church as a bride. God actually has a definition of love for us to follow:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
Learn about God’s love for you: dwell in the presence of a Creator who knows you: good, bad, and very ugly. Let yourself be loved by the best person in the world! Let yourself be more like Him in your own relationships. Let that, not social media, love experts, or even reality TV shows guide you. God cares about your relationships and love life. He doesn’t expect anyone to be perfect, that ship has sailed since Adam and Eve, but He desires good gifts for His children.
Good gifts include healing over past hurts, learning about your new identity in Christ, knowing that on your own you are just as complete as with a partner, believing that God’s love is the most important, being content with the season you’re in, being unwilling to compromise on your beliefs or biblical standards, and knowing that God is worth trusting your story to.
While I don’t advise anyone to get married at first sight, God knows what it’s like to marry someone really broken, unfaithful, and riddled with red-flags. That person being us. God is committed to us even while we aren’t committed to Him. God’s love for us shows us that marriage is just a picture of His love and steadfastness towards us.
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