Dear God,
There is so much I could say about You. I’m thankful for what You do. I’m only here thanks to You. I’m only alive thanks to You. I’m sorry for the ways I know that I fail, but I’m thankful that Your plans for me always come to fruition.
Love,
Grace
I’m back!
I took an unexpected break from writing my blogs because of how hectic school has been. Pharm test to 2 quizzes to a competency. It’s honestly been so many things going on at once, and I found myself overwhelmed.
It’s only been a month, and I’ve missed blogging a lot. It’s how I like to express myself the most: through writing. I don’t do it the best. Grammar and spelling is hard. Sometimes I feel like there’s no point to what I’m sharing, but I share -- and a girl just hopes for the best.
As I finish up my second year first semester of optometry school, I’ve learned about how I know so little. There’s always room for improvement. There’s always a chance that things don’t go well. There’s just this franticness to life in school, but it’s also been so much fun.
When else will I get to be elbow to elbow with my friends? When will I ever learn so much? This is an opportunity of a lifetime, and I believe that God has brought me here to experience more of Him. I think school has definitely tired me out in some ways, but in other ways I feel more empowered and excited about life. It isn’t easy, but I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way.
Learning to Trust
Trusting God is a constant activity that I fail at. I fail to trust God for a lot of things from little to big stuff. I immediately freak out, my mind goes to the worst places, and I’m so shaken up. It bothers me to be so fragile in my faith sometimes. It reminds me of how little I believe in the promises of God.
I feel like I really pride myself on my independence, and it’s hard because you get praised for it. Grace is so self-sufficient. Grace is able to solve her own problems. Grace can do it! I feel like my identity can get wrapped up in how little I need help.
Sometimes, it’s because I feel like no one can help me. I don’t like relying on someone else because what if they don’t do things well? What if they don’t do it how I want them to? What if they take longer than I’d like for them to do it? Trusting God is like poison to my illusion of control.
The truth is I’m an imperfect person. I just do my best, and my best really sucks. I can’t control myself sometimes, how can I control someone else or what happens in my life?
That’s just an impossible order, and I need to decide to get something else on the menu.
I need to do what is so simple yet so difficult: trust God more.
From Now On
I want to trust God more. I want to actively come to know the peace only God brings. I could know more about why something happened or didn’t happen, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I could try and pick apart details of my childhood and why I react the way I do. I could make guesses on why someone else acts the way they do. I could have all those things and lack true peace.
From now on, I pursue peace. I don’t want to pursue shallow knowledge. I want to pursue peace. I don’t want to keep trying things my own way. I want to pursue peace. I don’t want to be in control and actually be unable to control anything. I want to pursue peace.
I don’t know where my anxiety stems from, but I know where it can go. It can flee in the presence of my Savior. It can rest in the embrace of a loving Father. I can have peace under pressure. I can have peace now.
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