Dear God,
I might be a little early to think about these things, but if You already know what’s coming up. I want to be proactive about my life. I pray for the ways that You can change my life and the lives of the people who I’ll interact with. I really like the ideas and dreams I have formed, but before I start to dream, I want to surrender my plans to You. What I’ll do, how I do it, the heart and intention I do it with, and the plans I have should be first passed and approved through You. What is the point of having great plans for myself if these are not the plans You have for me? Help me to have dreams that are aligned with Yours, I don’t want to be heartbroken because I invested my life into something You never wanted for me. I want it to be submitted now. I want to plan ahead in faith for what’s to come.
Love,
Grace
Whoa, so in this month…if all things with my finals and competency coming up go well (God willing), I will be halfway done with my second year. I just finished making a study schedule, and I’ll be studying until I go to church tomorrow. It’s honestly so crazy to see how far I’ve come from my first day and first year. I can’t believe how much I learned yet how little I still know. I think that’s a testament to how small I am in the universe, yet how important this one dot (me) can be.
I have a lot of dreams for myself. One of them is passing my second year in its entirety. I think what’s hard about school is that deadlines, emotional breakdowns, and personal issues don’t stop the clock. I still have a quiz on Monday. I still have competency. Nothing stands still. It’s hard because sometimes I feel more like a robot than a human being.
Trying your best is good, but it won’t get you to becoming a doctor. Pass your quiz. Pass your test. Pass your comp. Pass clinics. Pass your boards. Get a shiny degree. I feel like my life has been a series of jumping through hoops, and it’s hard not to feel like a failure. Each assessment feels like a judgment of my worth and value. It’s really hard. I wonder how my classmates do it. Am I the only one feeling like I’m one misstep from a drop out?
I put a lot of pressure on myself. That’s nothing new. I just want to take a moment though to remind myself that God has put me here for a reason. Not because I was the most deserving person to be here. Just cause He loves me. That’s enough for God to move mountains for me.
God, I want to pray for my future. Even tomorrow. Even the next minute. Life is so chaotic and unpredictable. Would You come and be a safe space for me that doesn’t change? I feel the tension all the time. I feel it in my life: the need to perform and pass different metrics of success. It’s hard not to think God isn’t grading me on how much I pray, the quality of our quality time, the times I go to church, how many times I get distracted and text during service, how much I gave, if I could’ve done something better, and it feels almost unreal that someone can just love and accept me without any qualifications.
It’s nice to be loved like this. I have to remind myself that the plans for my future should just be to dwell in God’s presence. I might fail school. I might become a doctor and hate it. I might become a doctor and then be unable to practice for different reasons. My identity can’t be a career or position. It has to be in my relationship to Christ.
Lord, if I have plans that need to happen, I hope that You just remind me that results are not the defining feature of my life. I pray for humility to accept what You have in store for me above all else.
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