What I Wish I Knew Before Optometry School (A Review of My Fall Semester of 2nd year) - Eyes on the Prize # 18

 

You always come through.

Love,

Grace

GUYS. I finished my first semester of my second year, and it was nothing I could’ve imagined. I am pleased to say I am done. I have absolutely no clue about my grades (typing this up Thursday night as we speak), and I’m honestly fine not knowing. I have done what I can do, and God does what only He can do. Our lives pass by so fast. I was talking with my big from school, and hearing about her in clinic and preparing for Boards. It’s like…where did the time go?

In March, I will be starting to see patients (hopefully my friends if they come see me). I think it’s really cool to see how far we’ve all come. I’m reminded not only of the small seed that God planted in me in 2018 to pursue optometry, but I see how God really provides for me every step of the way.

Life is not easy (ask anyone in my class), but we survived. By God’s grace, I am here to tell you that I did it. I can’t believe there are 18 blogs just for school that I’ve written, but it’s amazing to see the person I’m becoming and the clinician I’ll one day be. I just want to thank God. Every breath in my lungs is a gift. Then, it’s amazing I get to do something I like. I get to learn and grow and be challenged. I get to pursue not just a career but a passion I would’ve never thought would be for me.

I see the way God provides for me through financial aid, friendships, school life, professors, opportunities, and adventures. I see the way God has walked me through long nights of studying and comp jitters. I see God prevail all the time in school, and it’s not easy but there is a grace and mercy over my life that is out of my control. I wish I could explain it better, but I’m glad to be here. 

When I first came into school, I had so many unanswered questions. Would I be okay? Would I make friends? Would I be able to adapt? Am I going to pass Optometric Theory I & II (answer: you sure bet!)? But all these things took time. I had to learn. Making mistakes was inevitable to the process, and sure enough, it all worked out. It’s still being worked out. 

I’ve made my fair share of dumb decisions, things I wish I could redo, and moments I wish I could erase from my mind -- but that doesn’t take away from the goodness and glory of it all. It’s funny because I see that there.

NOW, getting to the part where I tell you what I wish I knew before optometry school.

It’s going to be hard.

I knew it would be difficult, but I didn’t know how difficult. I knew I would have to sacrifice, but I didn’t know how constant that sacrifice would have to be. And sometimes you just don't know until you get there! I remember the learning curve I had to take in figuring out what worked for others won’t work for me.

I wish I was a flashcard girl. I wish I learned best that way, and I appreciate my classmates (SHOUTOUT TO KAYLA IF YOU EVER READ THIS) who share theirs because it’s so helpful to supplement my studying on the bus or train. But I realized there’s no best way to study or do anything. There’s only best for you, and only you know that through trial and error.

The goal is not to be good on your first try. I used to be so hard on myself for not being able to “get” it right away. Whether it be a complicated concept or a new skill. I would feel so hard on myself for struggling because it wasn’t natural. WHO SAID IT HAS TO BE NATURAL? Not everything good HAS to come naturally. People who are naturally gifted -- that’s awesome -- but again, if that’s not me then why should I judge myself on that?

I’m always going to need to try hard to be good at something, but that’s okay. That’s alright. I’m not lesser for need practice and time. I want to love and embrace myself for that. 

Remember you’re more than a grade or assessment.

I’m happy when I do well, but it’s a temporary happiness. It’s only “good enough” because I’m already worrying about the next thing I need to study or practice. I feel like a little gerbil constantly running on an endless wheel, and the truth is that no grade will ever be enough. 

It’s not going to save me from worrying. It’s not going to comfort me on a bad day. A grade is just that. It’s a number. Sometimes it feels like a death sentence. Other times it feels like getting to live another day sane. It’s so hard not to define myself by metrics. 

But there’s things grades will never get to say about me. Like my values or my beliefs. Like how I treat others. Like who I encourage or comfort. None of those things will ever be graded, and I need to remind myself that good grades or bad grades don’t mean I’m good or bad. It’s honestly going to continue to be a struggle. I want to feel like I’m someone, and sometimes grades give me that value. But I’m always left wanting and needing more because it’s too superficial to place my life on. 

Who I am is exactly who God defines me to be. Loved. Beautiful. Strong. More than a conqueror. Resilient. A lamb being watched by their Shepherd. A daughter being sung over by their loving Father. Good. I’m good. That’s exactly who I am through Jesus.

God Knows My Life

Sometimes I feel so small. And I am small. I’m an ant here on Earth. I’m undeniably tiny and forgettable in the great expanse of the universe. But God thinks about me. Not just during His free time or on the weekends. Not only in the morning or at the holidays. God thinks about me everyday. Every moment. Every nanosecond. I’m being thought of actively, I’m being loved. 

I have a fear of being forgettable. Not being invited. Not being wanted. Not being accepted. I think if we’re honest: we all have that fear deep inside. I want to be someone to somebody. I want to be more than just here and gone. We all seek it out in different ways: money, power, fame, social status, likes, views, relationships, accomplishments, or career. 

I want the peace of knowing that no matter what I have or don’t have: I’m loved. I’m good. I’m accepted. Jesus had all of that in the palm of his hands. The world at His feet, and He gives it to us. He pours Himself out to us like a flood. Eager and willing and able: that is my Savior! I am so thankful that despite all the stupid decisions I make, besides all the ways I fail everyday, that God chooses me. 

In the Psalms 8, David says: “When I behold Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place—what is man that You are mindful of him, or the son of man that You care for him?” I’m amazed too. I hope I always live amazed that a great big God loves me so deeply that He died for me.

When I’m struggling, God not only cares but He actively does something about it. He’s so present in our lives even if we don’t see or feel it. Even if it hurts. God is our ever-present, ever loving, and forever good Father. I’m in awe of the love Jesus has for all of us individually and collectively. 

I should be myself

What if people don’t love me for who I am? 

What if people reject me? What if people leave?

God has taught me that having faith is giving people the option of not loving you. Jesus is so good at leading by example. Rejected by the people He came to save. Crucified for the friends who left His side. Mocked. Betrayed. Unseen. Humiliated. Jesus didn’t just live unloved, He died being hated. He was killed because He was exactly who God made Him to be.

Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will see my value or they might see my value and still leave. Am I greater than Jesus that everyone will love me? No way! Living to gain the temporary approval of people is so exhausting. To past, current, and future Grace: you were made to be yourself not for everyone else to think you’re good.

And I was made to be loved by God. I do have an empty hole in my soul. I am lacking. I’m not complete. I’m not enough on my own. The longing I have won’t be fulfilled by anything besides Christ. I’m thankful that I figured this out in my 20s. That everything in my life has been built on the foundation of God’s love for me just as I am, and He’s taking me on the journey of who He created me to be.

Sometimes I feel bad. I know I’m selfish. I’m controlling. I’m not very nice or understanding. I say mean things (and I do mean it LOL). I’m grumpy. I have problems. Those parts of me don’t and shouldn’t keep living, but the part of me Jesus sacrificed to give: those will continue to grow and change the person I am.

I think back to the ways I’ve hurt others. I’m regretful -- is this the testimony of God that I leave in their hearts? But that’s not who I am now, and that’s not who I can only be anymore. I’m sorry if I hurt you, it was wrong, it wasn’t fair of me, and you don’t have to forgive me but I hope that for God’s sake and your own that you would. God lets me have the chance to become someone I could never be on my own: more like Jesus. 

Why I’m here:

I’m here not just in school but in this world to love God and love others like I love myself. I fail all the time, but I don’t want to give up. God doesn’t give up on me. God sees the finished product He’s making in me. God is the author, the finisher and perfector of the world and my life. God, thank You for letting me be here. For caring for me. For putting my name in the book of life when I honestly deserve death and hell. I pray that everyone who reads this would know that You love them so much! That You have a good plan for their lives no matter how many detours, mistakes, and regrets they have. That You are doing good. God, You are a good Father here and now. Thank You for giving me the chance to share these words to others, in Jesus’ name I bless myself and the people around me.

Let’s keep going: 2023 here we come!