Dear God,
I pray for this upcoming semester to be one full of fun, laughter, and joy. I pray for an abundance of peace as I go through a rigorous program. I pray for my classmates and I to be able to develop into mature, capable, and compassionate doctors and peers. I pray for the deepening of new relationships and the building of new ones. I pray for consistency and discipline over procrastination and motivation. I pray to take care of myself mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and socially. I pray for the Holy Spirit to empower me to keep going, to keep leading me, and to be within me forever and always. Thank You for loving us so much, God.
Love,
Grace & everyone reading this
New year, new semester, and new me!
2 weeks feel like seconds when you’re on break. Honestly, I needed a break. I think I’ve been sleeping an average of 8-9 hours a day in recovery mode. I’m not sure if graduate school has a Stockholm-like grip on me, but I actually miss it in some ways. Something is always going on. Being with my friends. Sitting across Bryant Park. Tea room breaks. Lunch meetings. Getting a question right on PollEverywhere but having no clue how. The moments that are here and gone before I know it.
I’m always looking forward to what’s next. Always hoping for the next season, and when it comes I’m onto the next one after that. Each season has its triumphs and its defeats. Spring has flowers and rain showers. Winter has hot cocoa and hail. Summer has vacation time and sun burns. Fall has crunchy leaves to step on and the flu season. Each season also passes whether you want it to or not. Each season has its own beauty and value. Each season will teach you something if you want to learn.
You can bury your head in the sand until a season passes, but you miss out on the experience only that season holds. In my first year, I think back to how fresh I was with learning how to deal with stress, practicing, and studying. The main challenge was navigation. How will I do this? When will I do it? Will I be okay?
I had to learn that failure does not mean defeat and success does not mean victory.
I also learned the value of struggling. When I decided to do optometry school, there were a lot of doubts in my heart. Don’t do this! Don’t go! My head was screaming at me in the Summer of 2021. Was this the wrong choice? I had prayed over this the past 3 years, and I had finally gotten to the point where I was going to be starting. Why am I just having doubts now?
There were so many choices I could’ve made differently that would’ve led me in the complete opposite way. What made this choice good? Actually, scratch that -- what made this choice better?
I’ve been reading through the book of Romans this month to kick off the new year. A year of faith! Another year of God being trustworthy since the beginning of the beginning. Romans 4:3 reads, “What does Scripture say? “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.” In this I have hope that I didn’t do anything to earn my way into God’s presence or provision, but it was through faith that I receive everything that is part of my life now.
I can’t say to you that I knew this was the right path for me 100%. I had doubts. I had debt if I couldn’t pull this off. I had disbelief too. But I believed God kept pushing me towards this path, not that it was easy or effortless: it was just possible. The fact that something is possible does not always mean God is involved, but God’s involvement always makes things possible.
I had to use my discernment on this one. It’s something I prayed about. It’s something I had struggled through. It’s something that I had checked my motives on. It’s something that I didn’t know for certain, but I didn’t have reason to turn back now. I pushed past that wall, and I saw the confirmation I needed. God didn’t send me a banner that said “You’re on the right track” and no one mysteriously told me that optometry school was the best path for me.
Sometimes, I just have to use my own judgment and spiritual discernment to just take the leap of faith. I had to believe that for now God had this in mind for me, and if He didn’t want this or changed His mind He would stop it somehow or let me know. But if a path is meant for you, then it will always be yours. God always had Abraham’s legacy in mind. Even when he messed up. Even when he tried to do it his own way. God took that into account already. God knew Isaac was gonna be born out of the mess Abraham had made.
God does that with us. God does that with me. Honestly, I am not a perfect person or student. I make mistakes. I have off days. I struggle. I can be grouchy and impatient. I don’t have it all together. But if this is for me, then God has that in mind when He asks me to do something.
What if I fail? You will fail. You’ve already failed. In many ways. More than you can think of. That’s my truth at least. Yet, God turns graves into gardens. God makes beauty for ashes. God turns a cross into the free gift of eternal salvation. God does it all the time. What makes me different? What can I do outside of God’s ability to save, redeem, restore, and rebuild?
I’ve made mistakes. That doesn’t mean I am a mistake.
I’ve done bad things. I’m not bad.
School is a constant place for surrender.
Guys, science AND math used to be my worst subjects. How am I going to be a doctor? How am I still here? In the song “God will make a way”, it goes:
“God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way”
It is exactly when there is no way, when there is no hope, when Jesus -- your beloved teacher, friend, the Son of God -- hangs dead on a cross when God makes a miracle happen. As I go into this semester, I am reminded of the impossible that God makes possible each and every day. He doesn’t just do it in the grand scheme of things, but He works in little moments and prayers and hopes. Even if you barely pray. Even if you don’t even believe in God. Even if you have lost all hope. God does miracles in those moments too. Even now. Especially now. Because God loves you now, before now, after now, and forever.
School. My degree. My career. All things I am thankful for, but none of that gives me meaning or purpose. I was not born to do this. I was not put on this earth to be a doctor. I was born out of God’s love that I could possibly love Him back. I’m thankful to be reminded of this, and I will go into this semester strong and do what only I can do. I will go forward as long as God allows me to. Here we are today.
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