Dear God,
I don’t know what’s best for my life, and that means I need You to figure it out and turn my mistakes and wrong turns into something beautiful. Help me figure out how to listen, follow, and obey. I want to be quick to forgive. I want to be quick to say sorry. I want to be someone I could never be on my own. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to have real purpose and meaning in my life, and that only comes from knowing You.
Love,
Grace
Writing this blog today, I’m not sure what to say. It’s currently called “untitled document” because I have no clue where I’m going with this. I think I’ll start with the fact that I had a really intense week. School, family, and my health all ganged up and decided that I was enemy number one, and while I was shaken but by the grace of God I’m still standing!
The question “What foundation did I build my life on?” came to mind as I faced giant after giant.
Family? Friends? Money? Becoming an eye doctor?
Everything that isn’t God has left my foundation crumbling and cracking. When we mix something into gold it becomes stronger, but when we mix anything with God it gets weaker.
When my health fails me, I can’t find my security in being young or being healthy. I’m at the mercy of bacteria I can’t even see or viruses that aren’t even alive without a host. Sometimes my own body fights against me. What’s invisible often kills us, and my trust in all these external, uncontrollable factors kill me.
When I build my life on my family, I find myself angry at their failures. When they have their own problems, I become too involved. When they’re misbehaving, they become a barrier to my happiness. When they have their own issues, I lose myself to resentment and bitterness.
When my relationships are the foundation of my life, I’m controlling and overbearing. I make their actions a direct result of my efforts and worth. If they don’t love me, I must be unlovable. And even if they love me, well, I need more. I need it all the time. I need it, and it has to be given in a certain way.
Jesus didn’t die so that I would be rich, loved by everyone, and happy. Not because He wants me to suffer, but because life isn’t found there. Why would He have me dig up an empty grave? Why would He want me to chase after the wind?
Jesus tells the parable above not to focus on the house but on the rock. The strength of the house isn’t the focus. It’s the sturdiness of its foundation that keeps the house standing. In life, I see myself as really weak. That’s why I’m controlling. It’s why I’m selfish or impatient. I know how little I am in this great big world, and I see people swallowed up every day. I’m scared for my life. I’m scared for my future. My family. My health. My career. I live steeped in fear more than faith. Yet, the house’s infrastructure is not why it stands against the storm.
Jesus, the loveliest, most wonderful, most kind, most loving, most everything good and beautiful in this world, is the foundation of my life. With the little that I have, no matter what comes my way, I stay standing. Not because I am so strong or faithful. Not because I prayed or read my Bible. Not because I woke up for church on Sunday. None of that is why I’m still standing. The foundation of my life was built on the unmovable force that is God’s everlasting love for His children.
Lord, who am I that You have decided to become the foundation for me?
I think back to the heartache that I’ve withstood and the heartache I’m standing in, and none of that compares to what I’m standing on. What I’m standing on can handle the weight of the world crashing down.
I still get scared. I’m sad about what happened. I’m worried. I’m anxious. I’m nervous. I’m still going to stay standing. It’s not about me. It’s never going to be because of me why I stay standing.
One day, God willing, if I have children of my own, I hope that the legacy I built by standing on the firm foundation of faith can be inherited by them and their children. Before I was even born, my great grandmother who lived by the sea in China encountered missionaries who shared the gospel. In heaven, I’ll meet her and we’ll embrace because of her choice. We’ll embrace the brave men and women who decided that living a comfortable 80 years wasn’t the reason they were put on this earth. We’ll be surrounded by so much glory that all the present sufferings are nothing by a glimmer compared to a great, shining sun.
The choice I make today to keep trusting, to keep praying, and to keep standing on this rock will bleed into the fabric of eternity. What a wonderful thing it is to have faith that life is more, that God loves you, that Jesus died for you, and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
God has been the same God He was and is since the beginning. The same steady God who makes good on all His promises. I treasure them in my heart. I treasure them as keepsakes for the children I hope to have. I remember the cross that Jesus hung on so that despite all my sins and flaws and wrongs, I could have a new life.
I don’t want to use Jesus as my “get out of jail free” card. He’s way too amazing. I don’t think about going back. What was there in my past that I miss? I traded despair for hope. I gave away burdens for peace. I let go of control for trust. I’m still on that long, narrow journey. I’ve tripped and fallen flat on my face so many times. I’ve wondered and sometimes doubted my choice to take this path.
Sometimes, I think everyone else looks happier. Shouldn’t following God be happier?
‘Happier’ like big family dinners, friends, events, plane tickets around the world, money, power, love, influence, control, beauty, health, and time. Happier like the world tells me to be.
Then I see the face of the person who has loved me more than life itself. I hold the bleeding heart of Jesus in my hands. I remember that a sheep belongs with their Shepherd. Many shepherds will run away if there’s trouble. But mine? He leads me to still waters and green pastures. He leaves the 99 for only one little ewe. He lays down His life so that I can have mine.
John 10: 11-18
Dear God,
Thank You for being a firm foundation. The only one worth building anything on. Thank You for Your great, big heart. For seeing me when no one saw me. For loving me at my worst. For knowing all the trouble and grief I’d cause you, and then loving me anyways. What an amazing God You are. I pray for everyone reading this today to experience Your presence. You are always with them. Always waiting for them. Always longing to know them. Never giving up. You are the God who never gives up or grows weary. Lord, give us strength for today. I pray that long after me, there will be a wonderful family I have that knows You are the rock that the house stands on.
Love,
Grace
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