Dear God,
I’m only this far thanks to Your mercy and grace. My ability, mindset, and endurance is a gift I was given by You. I think I would’ve given up or given in by this point without You, but I wouldn’t want to be here if You weren’t with me. Remind me that You’re the X Factor. That God, You are the One who has the final say. I get really down on myself. It’s a gift and a blessing to have high expectations of yourself yet I need the humility to fail and pick myself back up. I don’t know exactly what’s next, but just be with me through this.
Love,
Grace
“You’re free to go.” My proctor tells me as I hand in my recording sheet. I don’t have a wash of relief over me, it’s more like I’m still in a mental war zone. I packed up my equipment before entering into the light and the crowd of my classmates who were still waiting to be called in for their competency.
Relief that it was over and regret that I could’ve done better. I think school has taught me that life is a mixture of emotions. Joy that things are going well in some areas of my life but distraught over others. Life is bittersweet, sometimes more bitter or more sweet.
Did I do enough to pass?
I see Serena at the lockers, she was the first one called in and then I was up next. I tell her we should just sit at the lockers. Just sit on the ground and process what just happened. It’s kind of cathartic to just be on the floor after an adrenaline rush like your final competency. When you’re going through the motions, your brain firing, you can’t process because you’re just doing and moving.
Was that enough? Was I enough?
In my rush to get to school an extra hour early, I didn’t bring my iPad or laptop. I just brought myself. So, staying for class wasn’t an option for me. I still don’t know if I passed, but it’s over at least. I go on to live another day.
As I went home, I basked in thankfulness. Thankful for the patients/classmates I had. Thankful for the doctors who were grading me. Thankful that it was over. Thankful that God still wanted me here.
I just needed a breather.
The next day we had a lab, and the bliss of competency being over was replaced by clinic fear. What if I can only perform in isolation? Can I do this with a doctor I have to impress and a patient I have to appease?
It’s funny because when you’re looking at a mountain, all you can think about is getting over it and on the next rest stop. Then it’s like when you get to the next rest stop, you realize how far you still have to go and you wonder if you’ll make it out to the other side. Is there even another side?
Is there even a top of the mountain?
Second year has challenged me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m more than halfway but not done. Then third year will come with its own challenges. Its own pros and cons.
The doctor gets upset at me for calling her in for help. It’s hard not to take it personally? I’m afraid I’ll just burst into tears one day.
I remember Higher Calling, a yearly winter conference my college ministry held, where I was on my knees in a dark room with worship music and surrounded by a hundred or so other students. I asked God, what do You want for my life? I want to go to optometry school, but is this what You want for me? Do You even want anything for me?
There are Things Only God Can Do
The above title has been slowly but surely pressed into my heart. There are things only God can do. I think about my life, and there are some things I know that are impossible on my own. Actually, if I’m being honest everything in my life is impossible on my own. To get this far, there was so much that was and still is out of my control.
Maybe that should make me feel afraid. So much of my life isn’t up to me.
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps” Proverbs 16:9
But I see it play out time and time again. In reality, life is not a summation of your efforts. How much you put in doesn't always correlate with how much you get from a situation. I used to think that if I tried hard enough, my situation could change. It’s what the American Dream sells you on. I don’t think I was more deserving and that’s why I’m here. I don’t think I worked harder, even if there was a metric possible to measure. I didn’t do nothing, but to say that I tried my best and I achieved this success on my own isn’t true.
God let me get this far. God orchestrated events. God softened people’s hearts. God gave me the brain I use to take tests. God gave me lungs that fill with breath and a heart that pumps out blood. God gave my ears that hear, eyes that see, and the will, determination, interest, and motivation to keep going.
Before I consider what’s next for me, I need to sit and reflect on all that happened before and after me. I need to consider the gravity of what God did to get me where I am today.
Midterms + 1st Patient
Around the 1st week of March, I’ll be preparing for my midterms. Then by the end of March, I’ll be performing my first exam on my patient/best friend! I’m really excited to take such a big step in my journey. I remember my first midterm season, and this is round 4! It’s exciting to think that it’s going to be my last one before I head into the clinic.
Time passes so quickly. I’m amazed at how much the human mind and body can be pushed to the extremes. I’ve never been so tired, yet I feel really fulfilled with what I do. I hope that I can develop into the doctor God wants me to be. There’s so many people I could live to impress. My parents. My doctors. My patients. Even my classmates. Right now, I want to set my heart on impressing God. I want to be someone who patients can receive God’s mercy, grace, and kindness through. These are my more immediate thoughts and plans.
Becoming More Involved in Church
I became a member of my church this year, and I’m excited to see where God continues to take me. I remember my blog over a year ago where I was praying about finding a church. It had been a long journey, but I found myself home. I would’ve never imagined myself where I am today, but I hope that I can become more involved with my community. I haven’t been able to find the time or energy to join a community group, but I’m hoping that’ll change with my shifting season.
I’m really thankful for my church. There was such an outpouring of love and kindness during a really difficult season of my life. I was hurting, confused, and scared. But so many people showed me kindness by sitting next to me at service, treating me to meals, praying for me, sharing with me in my burdens, calling me, and I felt so welcomed and loved. I hope that I can be a welcoming source to other people who are looking to belong!
Plans Change
Something I learned about making plans, the only thing you can know for sure is they’ll change. Be prepared for detours. There’s going to be traffic. Actually you’ll forget where you’re even going. I’ve questioned if a destination even existed! Yet, I find myself still going down the solid, assured path Jesus promised I would be on if I followed Him.
Honestly, I really struggle with not looking at the paths around me. Are people who work happier? Are people who live in the city having more fun? Am I weird? Am I not doing what I should be doing right now?
God has had to remind me again and again that my path is never going to look like anyone else’s. I can’t use their experiences and directly apply it to my life. I’m practicing being open-handed. Having plans, but not being destroyed if things don’t go my way. Having a course, but letting God establish my steps. I’m learning the fine balance of having hope without idolizing a dream. It’s hard especially when my plans look really good on paper. I can’t imagine why God won’t co-sign, but that’s where faith kicks in. When plans change, and they always do, I can remind myself that:
God loves me
God is in control
God cares about my life even more than I care about my life
I can fight against God’s plans or I can submit willingly
I can choose to have faith
I can be content in Christ
There is so much power in that. I’m learning that each step isn’t known, but that each step has an adjacent pair of feet walking besides me. So many things have gone wrong, I can’t even begin to start with all the things and people I had to let go of. That I’m still letting go of. God has been so gracious and patient with me, and I have to be the same for myself and others.
It’s a process. It’s a wilderness. Sometimes the Promise Land is filled with giants. Sometimes you still get thrown in the lions’ den. That’s the thing about God and faith. We don’t come to life thinking God’s got us on the red carpet and we get VIP access to money, power, and success. If anyone should’ve gotten that experience, it should’ve been Jesus. Yet, we see through the Bible that when Jesus had the chance and right to have the world at His feet, He chose to wash feet instead. What’s next for my life is another step closer to becoming more like Jesus.
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