Dealing with My Need for Control - Blog # 67

 Dear God,

I don’t know how to relax. I think it’s my fear that one wrong move and everything falls down. I have that lingering anxiety in me, and I think it’s part of my natural temperament. But I’m not defined by my fears. I might never be fully free of anxiety on this side of heaven, but I want to progress further than yesterday. Today I challenge my fears. Today I choose to use the reasoning part of my brain and let go of what I can’t control.

Love,

Grace

Chill Pill

I’m a part-time chill person. I’m an easygoing girl when it comes to where to eat or what movie we watch. I’m not so easy going when it comes to my relationships, my school life, and my future. I have this tension in my shoulders and necks that build when my plans hit bumps or detours.

I don’t want to be indifferent though. That’s not being chill. Reckless. Careless. Whatever. Those are not the words I’m striving to live out. I want to be easygoing, even-keeled, and surrendered.

I want to trust God with what I’m troubled with.

Self-Control

It takes self-control not to let my thoughts run wild. I don’t know why I like to actively torture myself with negativity under the guise of “being realistic”. Seeing problems before they happen can be a form of wisdom, but obsessing about problems before they happen is neurotic. It’s about control: are you under submission of your fears or are they under the submission of God?

I’ve been reading articles I found after googling “How not to sweat the small stuff” and here are some of those articles:

1. How not to sweat the small stuff (Dr. Patrick Keelan)

2. How to stop sweating the small stuff (CNN)

At school, especially after a competency (update: I passed my final competency thank You, God), it’s easy to focus on everything we did wrong. We pick at our performance probably worse than the doctors do. We know we didn’t do this or say that. At least that’s what I do. I wish I was a naturally calm person who let go of things easily. It’s not easy actually. It’s against every fiber of my being.

Plan For What You Know

Some things we can plan for. 

We know the trains can be delayed, so we leave for work or school early.

We know that traffic is worse at 5 PM so we make plans for 7 PM. 

We know we want to eat there for lunch so we make reservations.

Forecast says rain so you don your raincoat and boots.

We just don’t know it all. We can’t know it all. There are too many variables, including ourselves, that make for unpredictable problems. We also aren’t fortune tellers. We can’t see into the future and know what will pan out. 

I think it’s okay and good to plan for as much as you can, but the surrender comes into play when you reach that limit. You’re at capacity for the simple fact that you are human. You aren’t God. I’m certainly not. That comes with surprises. 

Accept What You Can’t Do

Humility comes when we realize we are at the mercy of others but ultimately at the mercy of God. I think of the story of Esther, a queen who is hiding her identity as a Hebrew woman. The king had been convinced by his conniving counselor to kill all the Hebrew people in the kingdom, and it’s time for her to decide which side of history to stand on.

She ultimately decides to first pray and fast with her people for 3 days before meeting with the king. I think that was an invaluable and wise decision on her part. Who knows how that softened her heart and the king's heart? We don’t see the direct manifestation of her prayers, but we know that in the end the king accepts her presence (aka doesn’t command her to be killed on the spot for approaching him) and eventually she saves her people from the hands of an evil man’s plan.

I see that Esther’s bravery and planning came to her own limits at the doorway of the king. 

She could’ve done the exact same things and ended with her head cut off or thrown into jail, but those outcomes weren’t up to her. We have to accept that there are things we can’t do in certain situations, and it’s not hopeless. It’s not dreary. It’s an opportunity to surrender it to God. We hand it over to Him knowing He will fulfill His own plans.

Choose to Be Out of Control

No one really chooses to be out of control. It’s not a choice when you get fired. It’s not your will when your partner cheats on you. It’s not your preference to be picked last. 

Yet, there is an option that allows us to choose to be out of control. It means choosing to let God make the plans and time schedule. It means still having your goals and dreams, but not letting them be the ultimate dictator of your life. 

When things go wrong, it doesn’t mean God doesn’t love you. When plans take a left when you thought they would go right, it’s not the end of the world. You are still safe in God’s hands. You will have a good, purposeful, and meaningful life that God planned for you. As long as you want to. 

Staying stuck in our dreams and our plans means that we need to mourn. Because something did die. It is worth grieving the loss of your job security, your relationship, your hopes, your health, and the future you had planned. 

Sometimes when I pray, I imagine these gravestones where I had dreamed of gardens. I had to lay it down. I had to ask, “Jesus, how did You accept the cup God had for You?”

So many tears and so many prayers in desperation asking God to change these plans and honestly, to change His mind. While nothing on the outside changed, God answered my prayers by changing me. He gave me the peace and strength to accept what I had no control over. He gave me eyes to see the joy of leaving locked doors alone, and that every door open or closed is an act of love. 

Lord, You know me best. You know Your children well. You know why it's better for us to be submitted. 

I think for me the hardest part of not being in control is having to accept that I don’t know the best for my life. It’s humbling if I let it be, and it’s humiliating if I built my life around the altar of my own judgment. It’s freedom in the hands of Jesus. It is. I get to see how my life unfolds to the best that it should unfold.

I think I’ll have to struggle through this for a long time if not the rest of my life on earth. I’m only human. I can only choose at each moment to surrender what belongs to God and take up what belongs to me.