Dear God,
I could make my own way, and I have made my own way to getting what I wanted. I guess we all know where that’s gotten me. But sometimes, I just think You take too long. Can’t you understand I don’t have the patience? I want to know now where I’m going, how long it’ll take, and why it happened. I’ll ask You in heaven, but until then give me the faith now to stay in my lane and follow Your lead.
Love,
Grace
Be Who You Are
There’s an icky feeling I get when I do something that’s not genuine to myself. When I’m acting a certain way only because I hope to get someone to like me, but it’s not really me. It’s this curated version of me that I’m predicting they’ll find the most likable. In the goal of attaining someone else’s approval, love, or validation, we make ourselves a watered down version.
Our personalities become muffled because what if we’re too loud to be lovable? What if we’re too much or too little?
I fall into this cycle once in a while because I feel like I give this special ‘stamp of approval’ to whoever I decide, and then I make myself work to get it back from them. Another human being, no matter how pretty and polished they are on the outside, is still a human being whose opinions are as good as mine.
I remember one time getting dressed up to meet this boy I was crushing on, and then right before I left to go he canceled our plans. Cue waterfalls. Thinking back, I’m so glad nothing ever happened between us. But in that pity party of 1, I felt like it was my inability to get him excited enough to see me or an internal issue I had rather than a lack of compatibility overall and standards on my part.
You don’t need to know why someone gives you their “no”. For the same reason, someone else will love you and celebrate you. For the areas in my life that I’m still growing in, the right people will give me space to grow.
If you know me in real life (and if you’re just a curious lurker, hi!), you’ll know I love asking questions. In class. In conversations. About anything. I think that can be seen as annoying to some people, and I get that too. And that’s okay because there’s people in my life who love my questions, and they celebrate answering them or asking me questions too. If I find myself asking less because a few people here and there don’t like that about me, then is it really that valuable to be loved when you have to tone down your sparkle?
I think something I’m learning this year is that the right people will see you and love you. The right people will embrace you. You don’t need to settle for being tolerated. Of course, there’s a fine line between that’s who you are and being a hurtful person. If the problem is that we’re negative, then that’s something we should be pursuing healing and help in and the people beside us will want to walk with us and be willing to forgive our mistakes.
Willing in Different Ways
The job’s not that bad. You get paid well. The hours aren’t horrible. Your coworkers are nice too. It’s just not the right fit for you like the dress that’s one size too small or the shoe that’s one inch too loose. You feel it with every movement. You’re less aware when you’re in the mundane of it, but whenever your supervisor’s voice raises a pitch or you find yourself dreading work a little too much it bubbles up in your chest.
Or
They’re not that bad. Actually, they’re pretty nice. You’ve been alone for a long time, and honestly everyone else in your friend group is either seriously dating, engaged, or having their third child so you might as well. It’s fine. Fairytales are unrealistic. For sure. It’s not even about looks or height or weight or anything. It’s just fine.
Are we wrong for staying or should we go? What’s the right answer?
First, I think we should never feel entitled. Every job or every person is a gift. Not everyone has a job to go to, and not everyone is owed a partner. Cultivating a sense of gratitude is a primary goal. Everything comes with its own set of issues and we can’t go through life in a healthy way without compromise. Maybe your job requires you to work more hours than you’d like, but it’s also closer to home and you can make it to dinner every night. Maybe your partner snores in bed and leaves their towel on the floor, but they always throw out the trash no questions asked and they get along with your friends.
I think we can’t have it all in life, and to be honest/fair we aren’t “all” someone else was looking for too. On the flip side, maybe your job would prefer if you answered your emails sooner but you always come on time and pitch in for team projects. Maybe your partner has grievances of their own like how you leave cabinet doors open, never properly close a lid on a jar, or bite your nails to the nub. But you also write little notes and leave them in the pocket of their jacket, you watch their favorite show with focus even if you could care less about the American Revolutionary war, and sometimes you make them laugh until they cry.
That’s how it goes. We know there’s parts of someone we just don’t like as much or parts of a job we don’t care for, and we appreciate what we do have. However, I think it takes being honest to yourself to know what matters more. Maybe it does matter that you work more hours than you’d like or you can’t stand not having a good night's rest.
What works for one person might be a nightmare for another. I think that’s why we have to know ourselves, and as a benefit of knowing God more we get to know ourselves. Knowing God isn’t the side quest to self-awareness or self-fulfillment, but if you know who made you then you’ll know how you were designed.
As I come to know God, I find that any situation I’m in can be glorifying and kingdom building. I’m no longer a victim to circumstance or chance, but I can find purpose anywhere because God is everywhere. We can have the strength to walk away from situations that don’t work for us. We can say no when in our soul we know that this isn’t right for them or for us because maybe it’s that job that deserves someone who puts their heart into it or that person who deserves a partner who can’t get enough of them. It’s not just about us.
When we know something isn’t a good fit, everyone involved suffers.
Not everything will be a perfect fit, but it should be a good fit for us. Other people might not agree, and I think that’s where we remind ourselves that God gave us grace for certain things and gave them grace for other things.
At school, maybe it’s someone else’s nightmare to spend 4 years post-undergrad to study, train, and pay tuition yearly. No job or degree would be worth that suffering to them, and for me maybe I can’t stand why they would work where they do or under the environment that they’re under. Whatever the reason, the two of us will never see eye to eye, but I think that’s the great thing about people -- we’re all willing in different ways.
I just know that for me, I’m doing my best and trying to figure out the next faithful step. Not leap. Not jump. Just a step more than before. I also know that I’m trying not to force that next step. I’m giving it my all to just find acceptance and peace and what’s true to myself even in the face of the disappointment of others. I don’t know if it’ll be effortless, but it’ll be genuine to me.
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