Dear God,
Thank You for a very happy birthday. I love Psalm 139 where it reads “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Sometimes I don’t feel fearfully and wonderfully made. I feel like a defective toy. I feel the test batch more than the final product. But You remind me that Your work, Your good work, is not finished in me yet. Thank You for all the years of life You will stay with me and the rest of eternity beyond those years.
Love,
Grace
Maybe I’m being a bit presumptuous, but 24 feels like a good year.
I love Spring time, and fortunately that was when I was born. It feels like a fresh start. Blooming flowers that give me watery eyes and a runny nose because I’m unfortunately allergic to pollen. Luckily, I’m more teary eyed over the amount of love and celebration this past week has brought.
Truth be told, I didn’t really want to do much for my birthday (shocker given how many birthday parties have been thrown so far…), but recently God has been putting this word in my heart: celebration! Celebrate the hard times that came and went. Celebrate the harsh winter ending. Celebrate victory over little and big giants. Celebrate because God is good to us all the days of our life.
I think I just wanted to remember that. I feel like time has passed so quickly, and I don’t know what will happen next year. I don’t know if the same people will be here. I don’t know if there will be more to do. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, and so I’m learning how to celebrate today.
At church, we learned about the ongoing party of heaven.
Jesus invites everyone to this party to join and celebrate the freedom He bought. Jesus is fun! Jesus wants us to partake in the joy of saving the unsaved, bringing peace, goodness, kindness, and love into the world, and rejoicing in the victory earned on the cross.
My birthday is definitely not much compared to that, but life with Jesus isn’t boring or dry. We make it boring, we make it about rules, about judgment, about whispering how her husband cheated, her son went to prison, her daughter got pregnant out of wedlock, and the church of hypocrisy.
We don’t mourn with those who weep anymore. We don’t celebrate with those who have joy.
I’m sad when I think about that. We rejoice in the failure and misery of others. We mourn when we don’t have what they do. The human heart is so twisted, and it warps the will of God. I’m the most guilty of that. Yet, I’m trying. I’m trying, and I’m learning to be the person God made me to be.
I want to learn the correct heart posture of celebration. Maybe a birthday party can be seen as selfish. A party just for you? To celebrate the day you were born? Also, do you need so many?
I thought about these as I planned my own. But I want to celebrate my own like I want to celebrate other people’s. I want to party hard because I worked hard. Because I know who was with me was and is worthy of celebrating. That I don’t just enjoy my life when I’m dead or when I reach the next big milestone.
We should all look for moments to find celebration because life is hard. Life is not easy. I’m not celebrating because there’s nothing in my life to be upset about. There are people I wish that were here that aren’t. There are dreams that I had that I had to bury in my tears. There were plans that I walked away from because God had something different in mind.
I find celebration because through all the sadness and grief, I have hope and joy and peace to keep going. I celebrate the purpose God has created in my sorrows. I celebrate the forged friendships that came from shared losses. I have found that throwing a party is denying Satan the pleasure of seeing you overcome by pain. Instead, I decide to be overcome with grace.
I came up with the title, Uncontrollable Grace, because well that’s my name (duh) and inspired by God’s grace (lowercase) over my life. There were/are so many fears in my heart that:
I wouldn’t make friends
I wouldn’t make it through school
I wouldn’t heal from my break up
I wouldn’t find someone who would love me for me
My family was too broken to mend
God didn’t love me like He loved other people
I wouldn’t find the right church to be planted in
God is working on my heart to overcome my fears. He’s already worked through so many of them, and I find myself not in control of so many outcomes. There are so many prayers answered already, and others I’m still waiting on. But I can have the peace of mind to push forward and see behind the veil of what God is doing.
It’s an overwhelming understatement to say that God has surpassed my expectations. He did it without me being in control. He did it through so many different ways. He had people speak into my life. He had me hear certain scriptures. He spoke during prayers and sermons. He reminded me of the hope I had through Jesus. He held me through my tear-filled nights. He brought the right people at the right time into my life. He closed doors that were hurting me when they were open. He let me mourn because even if something or someone isn’t the best for you, it still hurts to let go.
Uncontrollable grace, the grace God has to give me what I don’t deserve, is the hallmark of my life. I celebrate so many times because God has brought so many people who love me more than enough to celebrate again and again. I pray that you would know and see that grace is already in your life. Whether by the breath you just breathed, the job that you have, the family that you were born into, the partner who adores you, the child who calls you the honored name of mom or dad, the friend who walks with you through mourning and joy, the church you can call home, the community that prays on your behalf, or the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for you. There is so much we couldn’t control, so much grace we have already and up ahead, and I pray that each day will be a celebration of that.
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