Dear God,
You give us wisdom through Your Word, Your community of people, Your whisper in the dark night, Your Holy Spirit, and in countless other ways. Guide me into the paths You’ve set for me. Help me avoid feeling paralyzed with fear. I’m blessed with many decisions, but I’m cursed with my own anxiety that I’ll make an irredeemable bad choice. I don’t know what’s best, clearly. Teach me in Your steps and in Your voice how to make the best yes choice.
Love,
Grace
So, on my journey of faith, I’ve come across a tricky situation. It’s no longer just about sin or obedience (sometimes — I’m not perfect), but what about the choices that don’t involve sin? What about saying yes to this ministry versus that ministry? What about going on a date or staying single? What if I want to hang out with this friend instead of that friend?
I’m bombarded with the blessing of endless possibilities. It’s awesome because not everyone has a choice in life. I was talking with some of my international friends here on a visa and hopeful for a green card. I realize that it’s not solely their choice to stay in America. I’m so grateful that I was born in America, no choice of my own, and able to be in a country with so many options.
I think it goes back to when I decided on optometry. I can tell you God didn’t give me a neon blinking sign that said “become an eye doctor”. I actually tried out nursing, dentistry, pharmacy, nutrition, and medicine before making my choice. I was fortunate to get the opportunity to explore these career paths throughout high school and college.
Was it a sin for me to choose one health path over another? I don’t think so. It was just what I liked. Optometry means a lot to me actually. It’s God’s constant reminder that my limitations cannot stop His power and plans over my life. I’m honored, humbled, and honestly often overwhelmed by the responsibility that comes with being someone’s optometrist.
Anyways, enough with the eyeball spiel. What I mean to get into is that God created me, all of us, really, with freedom of choice. To not only choose good or evil, but choose left or right, up or down, red or blue, and 1…or 2.
Hehe. I had to.
Okay, back to the topic.
You Already Messed Up
I’m sorry to break it to you, but you and I have already made the wrong choice. We will continue to make the wrong choice. Every choice I’ve ever made, even the good ones, were riddled with selfish motives OR a byproduct of my nature, my environment, and my culture.
It wasn’t all that, but it wasn’t all not that either. I’m okay with admitting it because I know that my choices have often been out of fear, out of doubt, out of ego, out of discomfort, and out of wanting to make other people happy.
But my life is not a sum of my choices. My life is actually a sum of Jesus’ choices. My life is a sum of all the right things He did. Not falling prey to Satan’s temptations. Yielding Himself to a cross and crown of thorns. My life is not my own, it says in 1 Cor 3:23.
To be more vulnerable, I went through a break up within the last few years. It confused me. God, was I supposed to be with this person? Did I miss out on my future? Was this my one and only option for marriage and kids?
I wasn’t only battling with confusion, sadness, and disappointment. I was battling the fear that this wasn’t part of God’s plan for my life or worse why did God’s plan include so much pain?
Looking back, I realize that regardless of why that chapter of my life ended, it was riddled with human discrepancies and run-of-the-mill brokenness just like everything else in my life was. And just like everything else in my life, God has the ability to redeem, restore, heal, and transform.
It didn’t happen right away, but I saw God’s love and grace over me and the other person. I see the hope that I can have in Jesus, not a person. I saw my faith to keep going even if I didn’t understand. I saw that Jesus walks with me every moment of every day of my life from now onto heaven.
You see, our choices are always wrong. We’re never going to make the right choice in this world, but the only right choice is inviting Jesus into our lives and asking Him to change us.
Don’t my choices matter?
Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes!
If I don’t brush my teeth anymore, you bet they’ll go rotten.
If I didn’t go to school, I wouldn’t be able to become an optometrist.
If I marry this guy instead of that guy, my life will be very different.
They do matter, and God cares about you. God cares about what I eat, what I wear, who I befriend, who I marry, where I go, and who I become. God cares about things I don’t even care about. That’s the amazing thing about God, He loves us. His love touches every aspect of our lives, even the parts we don’t see.
That is the reason I don’t need to be obsessive about making the optimal choice. Not only am I unable to make the perfect choice as mentioned before, I can trust God to make every choice purposeful, beautiful, and part of His plan for my life.
It’s definitely easier said than done. I have to actively fight for freedom against my own mind. My mind says what if that route would’ve been better? I didn’t have to be in pain. It’s tempting to think there’s a way to avoid suffering. There isn’t. It’s just a different kind of suffering we have to endure, but we decide if our choice was the one worth suffering for.
Where I’m at Now
As I find myself going through different trials in my life, I realize that I lack a lot of confidence in some of the choices I make because the truth is none of them are going to be perfect. None of them will be without some dips or low points. Even if I think and plan and consider all angles, every choice will come with surprises, unexpected outcomes, and the need to be open and adapt.
It’s hard for me to accept that my choices don’t mean as much as I think they do.
They do matter but they’re not the defining factor of my life. I have to fight for that truth. Even if my choices are skewed, God will make a way and God has a plan A that includes all of the things I’ve done, all of the things I’m doing, and all the future things to come.
I pray that we would all rest in God, not in the itch to control and make the optimal choices. Sometimes just making a choice, to the best of your ability, and then to trust God is the best choice.
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