Dear God,
There is something so sweet about friendship. It’s in its own class of beauty and joy. You call us Your friend! And we know that friendships are more than happy times and laughter. It’s laying down our lives for one another. It’s making space and being intentional with the people in our lives. It’s hard work, but it’s honest, good, and fruitful work to find friends.
Teach us by setting the example first.
Love,
Grace
I am very proud of my friendships. I think it’s one of the best things in my life. Building relationally strong, healthy, and honest friendships is not something that happens overnight. It actually takes years and years of sowing. It takes trial and error. You’re going to fail. I’ve definitely failed. I'm still learning as we speak.
I’m sorry if I hurt you as a friend before. I want to say that I am no poster child for the perfect friend. I can be mean or selfish. I can be judgemental or harsh. I’m not saying I’m the best friend anyone could have, I’m saying out of this mess that I am, I made the best friendships possible.
They’re the best friendships for me. That looks different for you. My friends continually wow me. I remember celebrating my 24th birthday for almost half the month because there were just so many of my friends I wanted to celebrate with. I think it’s first a grace of God in my life that I got to meet so many amazing people, that I got to know them and be their friend, and that somehow we are friends now. I’m not entitled to them but somehow they chose me, love me, and I love them too!
I could list so many! Liz, Nicole, Chloe, Stephanie, Serena, Alicia, Vanna, Katarina, Jess, Cindy, Katie, Jenny, Lyana, Nathalia, Shinhyo, Simran, Laboni, Irene, and so many more friends.
I think that when I was younger I didn’t know how to be a friend, and I didn’t know what a friend was. I think a bad friend doesn’t exist because a friend is inherently good. A friend is someone who looks out for you. They see your blindspots and cover them. They embrace you in your sadness. They celebrate your victories with you. They are your cheerleaders. You’re theirs! You love them for who they are. Being around them is lifegiving. You sharpen each other. You bring out the best in one another.
No one is perfect, but a friend will be willing to go on the journey with you to become the best versions of yourselves.
I am touched by the friends that I have. I didn’t think there would be so many people in my life I could love and be loved by. Not in a superficial way, but I know how deep and meaningful each friendship is to me. They constantly remind me that life is not meant to be lived alone.
Be A Friend
Wanting a friend is normal. Especially when you’re in a new place. You feel awkward and confused. Why won’t anyone talk to you? How is this so easy for other people?
I think that a lot, but I think that being a friend first is even better than having someone be a friend to you. To make that intentional connection even if you could be rejected. I’ve talked with plenty of people who’ve turned me away. Sometimes I’m too loud, silly, or too much me for people. I totally get that too. I wasn’t meant for everyone. I can respect and love people without being their friend.
Yet, I find that there are so many more people who see me and they want to see me, and I want to see them. That’s the thing about all good relationships, they are acts of free will. I choose to love you, but there’s also just natural chemistry and we-go-together-like-sprinkles-on-ice cream energy. There’s people I just mesh with better. That doesn’t mean I stick to only being friends with those people but I obviously will be able to be better friends with the ones I get along with more.
I think the number one quality of a friendship is love. Loving a person at their worst is often weaponized. “If you don’t come get me from my mess, you’re a bad friend.” I think loving a person at their worst means that they’re not where they should be and neither am I, and within healthy mutually respectful and supportive relationships we can get each other where we need to be.
Love looks like reminding someone they aren’t worthless because of a bad grade or break up. Love looks like respecting someone’s feelings and boundaries. Love looks like honoring the other person’s choices. Love looks like treating someone like you would want to be treated.
In a Christian sense, friends die for each other and to each other. They give up their comforts and aspects of their lives are sacrificed for this person. It’s costly to be a friend. It’s not free. It’s hard but it’s worth the cost.
I think another important thing is vulnerability. You have to be willing to be yourself. To be honest with you, I’m super awkward and goofy, I just am. I like that about me (mostly), and pretending to be a poised and cool person just isn’t me. Being myself and presenting myself to people as I am takes a risk. Because if people turn away, it’s easy to feel like who I am is shameful or bad.
But not only is that not true, it’s just no way to live. Playing pretend doesn’t win me anything real. Those people were never gonna stay anyways, and just because they stay for the version of me I present doesn’t mean it’s a true friendship. It’s conditional. It’s replaceable. It’s just not worth it because there will be people who will accept me and you. They maybe won’t approve of everything you do, and honestly that’s a good thing. Approval and acceptance are not synonymous. But I just want to say that as much as we can try to fool others, real love only comes from being our real self.
I wanted to make friends, and I said that before my first year of school. I literally said that I wanted to make friends in my school’s group chat. I put myself out there, and obviously not everyone responded but the people who did and connected are still some of my closest friends to this day (and will continue to be).
The yeses are worth the no’s. I don’t even think about the no’s because they pale in comparison to the yeses. And honestly I don’t have room or energy or interest to have a million yeses. I just need a few good ones. I just need the people who are willing to take my outreached hand.
Vulnerability is powerful because it means you might be afraid but you're going to try anyway. Courage isn’t the absence of fear but the presence of the desire for something greater than the fears you hold.
The courage to be disliked is the doorway to be loved. Authentic love. Real, good, beautiful love.
Jesus is a controversial person for a reason. He wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers because of who He was. He was okay with having people turn away. A lot of people left actually. Not even His own closest friends stayed. But He loved them anyway. But He chose them to be His friends knowing they’d walk away. But He was STILL a good friend to them to the point of the cross after they deserted Him.
I am amazed by Jesus. I can’t fathom that level of commitment to friendship, but I am honored to see it, be transformed by it, and do my best in the power of the Holy Spirit to imitate it.
I make friendships that I do because I have a perfect example. I have a perfect friend I look up to. He’s making me into a perfect friend too. Not just a better one. Not just a good one. A perfect friend, one day.
The power of friendship is seen in its ability to change your life. A good friend doesn’t leave you worse off and it doesn’t leave you the same either. It’s transformative. It’s life changing. That’s the kind of friendship I experienced, and I want it to be the experiences of people who are friends with me too so that they know there’s an even better life changing friend they could have.
Jesus is my friend. He really is. I love Him, but He loves me and He loved me first. That’s my blog title because my life isn’t about how much I love God, it’s about how much God loves me. It’s really a game changer.
I hope that you can cultivate real, lasting friendships from who you are not who anyone else thinks you should be. There is power in being yourself. There is beauty in finding a friend that loves you naturally.
Friendships take work and effort but they’re not forced. It’s not a win to make someone like you with smoke and mirrors. Let the light shine in. Let people decide for themselves. Know that the people who leave are a blessing because they make room for the ones who fight to stay, and remind yourself that you are never without a friend in Jesus. 😼
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