What I Learned in My Summer Quarter of my 3rd Year - Eyes on the Prize #23

 Dear God, 

Thanks for leading me this far. I’m glad that I got here, and I know You were with me through the many highs and lows. Sometimes I wonder what if I had made different choices, where would I be now? But I’m focusing on the present. You’re here, and what happened is all part of Your plan for my life. Thank You for making me with intention and purpose. I like what I do, and I enjoy who I do it for.

Love,

Grace 

SO to Serena for missing my blogs, she’s why you can read this one!

I am officially 20 months and 2 weeks away from graduation today (around 57% a doctor now). I finished my summer clinic. I, God-willing, just passed my two finals. Fall here we come! 

When I look back on my school life, I feel like the last thing it’s been is a smooth journey. Studying for endless rounds of midterms and finals. Practicing on each other’s eyeballs for days on end. Finally, when I got into the clinic, I remember not feeling ready.

But if we wait until we feel ready, sometimes we’ll never do anything. Sometimes we only feel ready after we start our journey. Congrats to all my classmates and friends, we made it this far! It’s still going, still adventuring to the dream of becoming a doctor, and I don’t think I can predict what happens next. 

Here are some things I learned during my 3rd year so far:

Don’t Take It Personal

People are people. Meaning: we’re all subject to the chaos of life. We come in bringing our baggage to school, work, and our relationships. I don’t get along with every classmate, every doctor, and especially every patient. It would be strange if I did. Nothing is universally beloved. How can you be for everyone?

I think that matters more is having respect and showing kindness towards each other. Obviously, we aren’t in control of what other people say or do, but we (to the best of our extents) are in control of ourselves. We can show people grace even when they don’t. We can turn the other cheek! We can be the good we want to see, the good God gives us the power to be through the Holy Spirit.

I sometimes can’t help but take a comment or attitude personally. Sometimes it is because of me, but I have to step back too. I have to decide that not all opinions hold equal weight and value. I have to be humble enough to receive tough feedback. I have to take responsibility for everything that I could’ve done, and then I have to resist the urge to take more than I did.

It’s also easy to blame others, I realize. The patient, the doctor, the front desk, the other interns, and it’s also easy to blame only ourselves. I think maturing means having a realistic view of everyone’s parts, and then taking only our part and deciding what we’ll do moving forward.

I pray for my next quarter, especially the clinic. I pray I would resist the temptation to be hard on myself and to take critique to heart. That’s where reading the Bible comes in. I remind myself of all the things God says and thinks about me. I hold that against my thoughts and the thoughts of others. I remind myself that school is just school. At its best, temporary. It’s also a terrible god to have. 

Growth is a Seed that Grows in Grace

Being obsessive with my mistakes is something I struggle with, but I’m learning that it’s better to have grace for myself. It’s better because I can’t grow under harsh conditions. I’m a plant that needs water, love, and encouragement to grow. I need time, nourishment, and sunlight. Sometimes, people may step on my growing buds, accidentally or not, and I decide whether that kills me or makes me stronger.

Having grace for myself means I have grace for others. When I expect too much of myself, even in the noblest of intentions, I’m not only going to fall but I’ll kick myself for not reaching impossible heights. It’s no way to grow.

It’s not about never growing or not having goals, it’s about having realistic goals and a grace for mistakes. Whenever I make mistakes, they cement in my mind. I’ll remember to do this, and I’ll remember to not do that. 

Growing pains are part of my life. It’s not up and up and up. 

I really like my name. Grace. It leaves room for mishaps and errors. It makes space for growth and change. 

Sometimes we think if we beat ourselves up for mistakes, it’ll make us stronger. It means we’re REALLY sorry. We have to quantify our sorriness by how mean we are, but we can have gentle sorriness. It doesn’t lose its meaning if we’re gentle.

One day, I hope that I’ll have a child. If I do, I know that child will make mistakes. It’s inevitable. And I don’t have to shame them or berate them for those mistakes in order for them to learn. I shouldn’t ignore or dismiss mistakes either. We can address those things together. I can show compassion and understanding. I can show them that Jesus paid for all the mistakes we made and will ever make, and that He gives us the love and grace we need to repent, forgive, receive forgiveness, and be new. 

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should (and doesn’t mean you shouldn’t)

So, I’ve come across a plethora of opportunities to take on leadership roles, get involved in different hobbies, start friendships, begin relationships, and a thousand other things. 

I’m only speaking from my personal experience here, but a lot of times I feel like I should say yes because I can say yes. In my life, I have this ability to pursue things. I have free will! 

It’s a scary thing when I think about it. I once heard a quote, “Saying yes is saying no to everything else.” It’s true. My yes means a lot to me. I pray through it. I ask my friends and faith community about it. I try to not say yes lightly because I value the other people involved. 

A half-hearted yes breaks someone else’s heart. It doesn’t mean I need to be 1000% sure, and it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to change my mind given new information or situations. It just means that to my best, I try to make every yes count.

Life Keeps Going

Sometimes, I find myself worried about things that feel so big but end up being so small. In hindsight, it’s easy to say “Of course, I shouldn’t have worried about that”, but hindsight is 20/20. I’m learning what it means to step back and look at the bigger picture. What does it mean to say “yes, this matters, but it’s not always going to be my biggest concern and what would I regret doing the least?” It’s hard though when you’re in the middle of those situations, but I pray that God gives you and me the wisdom to do what we can do, to trust in Him for what we can’t do, and to be part of life -- present-minded -- and living where we are not where we want to be.

Thank You God for getting me this far!