Dear God,
What a year 2023 has been. There has been an abundance of love, healing, hope, and joy. There have been times of mourning, times of despair, times where I feel smaller than small. You have walked with me through it all. You have carried the leftovers of my faith and made me sing from ashes. I’m grateful to be standing here, and one day, I will see the fullest of glory of everything You’ve done for us.
Thank You for being my God, I will be Your people.
Love,
Grace
Leviticus 26:11-12 “I will make my dwelling among you, and my soul shall not abhor you. And I will walk among you and will be your God, and you shall be my people.”
As I think about the passing of Christmas and the New Year, it’s easy to get caught up in the presents, the lights, the fireworks, and the hope that next year will be better. Personally, my 2023 has been so so good. It wasn’t all ups, but I see God in a different way, I see myself more like who God created me to be, and I’m learning how to stop living life the way I wanted to and yielding to God’s will.
For school, I finally saw my first patient (s/o to my best friend in the whole wide world, Liz!) and then many, many, many more. I am so grateful for 18 year old Grace, the precious girl I was, who decided that college was not a time to find myself: it was a time to find God. I knew of Him, I believed in Jesus, but I wasn’t living for Him. It was time to make a shift.
When a person comes to faith, it’s one step to say Jesus is God and accept that. It’s another to make Him Lord. To purposefully place decisions into His hands is honestly a growing pain in my spiritual life. Sometimes, we don’t understand the full impact of choices we make until later, but I see the continuous fruit in my life that comes with following Jesus as imperfect as it looks.
I have this building sense of peace in me. I’m not as easily moved by other people’s approval/disapproval of me. I don’t fall as deeply into the temptation to be impressive or well-perceived. I feel like even if I make the wrong decision, what matters is that I did what I could to honor God, to be as well-informed as I could be, and to accept that regrets won’t make the present or future any better.
There are so many hopes and dreams that I have for my life: finishing school, starting my career, possibly opening my own practice, being found by my future husband, starting my own family, and providing a better life for my parents. I want to travel and eat delicious mochi in Japan. I want to spoil my dog with toys and treats. I want to be happy because I want to have peace.
Part of me honestly has some jealousy when I look at other people who look like they have it all: dream job, dream guy, dream house, and dream life. But then I think about if that’s all my life should be about? Was that what Jesus lived for?
When I genuinely picture Jesus, the world at His fingertips and honor, power, prestige, riches, and the world at His hands, laying it down for the love of very ungrateful people (like me) I don’t think I could live like that. I get mad when people don’t say thank you when I open the door for them, how can I be like Jesus?
It happens in moments. It happens by consistently laying down little things in my life first. It happens with time, with prayer, in community, in church, in serving, in holding my tongue when I want to scream back, when I let offenses go, when I let people leave, and in those moments Jesus gives me more of what I need to live in my purpose.
Self-actualization is a tempting god-figure. Figure out your dreams then you’ll have peace. Then after you figure it out, put all your energy into living your dreams. I’m a self-professed self-help book addict. How can I grow? How can I develop into my best self? More healed? More emotionally intelligent? Be a better communicator?
It’s easy to live in that space for me because it feels like becoming a better person would be what God would want for me. In some ways, I think that’s true. God desires to love me, heal me, guide me, and reconcile brokenness in my relationships. Living an abundant life does have aspects of that. But I think it also looks like choosing faithfulness above my potential. Yes, I could do many things in my life, but is it rooted from my desire to honor Jesus or to find a happier life?
Jesus sitting at the Garden of Gethsemane knows the pain of a life that He could’ve lived. I don’t think Jesus chose self-actualization when He chose to go to the cross, I think He chose purpose. Purpose isn’t a one-size fits all, it looks different for each of us. I can’t tell if I’m living in it more or less than anyone else. I just try to live it. Many times, I fail miserably whether knowingly or not. I know God told me “go” and my feet go rigid. I know God told me “stop” and I run full-speed ahead towards trouble.
I think that’s why in the journey of pursuing purpose over my greatest potential, I hold grace for myself. I’m an aptly named girl. I hold grace for the mistakes I make sometimes too many times. I hold grace for the failures I encounter. I hold grace because shame and fear don’t breed purpose. God can use my mistakes to make masterpieces. A great artist isn’t limited by his materials, and a great artist is glorified to use lowly things to make works of art.
100% I admit I am a work in progress. Please handle me gently, I’m still learning. God is not done with me yet. He’s not done with you either. Life is not just better with Jesus. Jesus is why we’re here and why we live. I invite you to invite Jesus to your 2024, Christian or not, and see the wonderful purpose He has in store for your life.
Dear God,
I pray that 2024 would be a year where You are more revealed.
Amen
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