I got whiplash from how quickly this season of Love is Blind (LIB) came out when I was just recovering from last season. As each season goes on, I do have to say there has been a huge uptick in people coming in for the inherent fame of the show lately.
If you’re new to this series, I watch silly reality TV shows for fun, and then I discuss what we all can learn, pitfalls we all face and how I think they can be overcome, and how God can really be seen through it all.
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Left to Right: Matt, Clayton, and AD
Fear is Never Your Friend
It’s not a reality TV show without a love triangle! This season of LIB is no different with our first trio: Matt, Clayton, and AD. I will say I’m sure there were some edits to Matt’s scenes, but they didn’t make up things out of thin air. Matt is a self-described “Clark Kent”, he openly says he has trouble with his emotions, and he really lacks social skills. In the process of meeting the women, Matt had a list of questions numbered, he asks the ladies to pick a question, they answer…and then when they ask him “what about you?” he says something along the lines of “I was just going to ask the questions”. He also leaves in the middle of someone else’s answer when he hears something he doesn’t like.
AD, spunky and beautiful, is one of the people who break his shell and they have a very pleasant conversation. She’s not deterred by what the other ladies have to say about their interactions with him. It’s good to have your own thoughts and opinions, but I also think there is value in listening to what a majority of women are saying about the same guy. It’s one thing if they say, “He’s fine, just not for me” but when they collectively and individually have misgivings, I say it’s important to take a pause.
Something my best friend and I discussed was that there’s a certain specialness in getting someone to be different than they normally are. If a guy’s a jerk to everyone…but you. If he’s hard to open up to except when it comes to you. It can feed into the feeling of “I’m special, that's why he’s different with me”.
As I grow older, I realize that how people are to the majority is how they really are. Someone who can be friendly when they like you or they want something isn’t actually friendly. In other words, manipulation can happen, and we can blind ourselves when we ignore the choir. Could it have been that the other ladies were possibly just not as good of a fit for him?
I believe that it’s special when someone is kind and considerate to everyone including the person they love. It doesn’t make it less special if it’s constant. It actually takes more for them to be that consistent. When we see someone who has muscles, it’s probably because they work out often. When someone chooses to be a great person, that’s their muscle. Maybe they are more naturally good-natured, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a choice to continue that. Of course there’s still a possibility of someone being manipulative or putting on a facade but compared to someone who is outright inconsiderate and self-centered majority of the time, you’re taking better odds any day and watching for consistency.
With AD, I think she sees the genuinely wounded soul in Matt. He wants to be seen and loved, which is not only normal but endearing to her. However, just because someone wants to be loved doesn’t mean you have to be the one to love them if they are hurting you indirectly or directly. We all come in with our walls, but that doesn’t mean we are allowed to make them weapons. Matt is eventually exposed to be feeding AD and another girl, Amber, the same exact lines about wanting to leave the show with them and asking their fathers for their hand in marriage. It’s when the girls both compare stories they realize that he’s been doing a Ctrl + C on their dates.
When AD eventually confronts him, he goes into a tangent about how everyone (the audience) is watching and how he’s the underdog. He keeps talking about how tough the experience has been for him after he’s hurt two amazing women. He went on to say America loves him because he’s the underdog they’re all rooting for?
He leaves the pods hoping to reunite with Amber.
With AD, she has another connection in the pods, Clay. And he’s funny, charming, and suave. He admits he has an ego that he’s working on, and that if the woman who he chooses doesn’t look sexy to him he won’t propose. AD is horrified by him, she asks him if having an emotional connection would factor in if he was struggling with attraction. He says no!
What’s the name of the show again?
I will say I don’t believe love is blind because as a future hopeful eye doctor and just as myself, I think attraction can grow but it needs to start somewhere. Wanting a partner you find attractive isn’t wrong, but that shouldn’t be the only factor. I don’t think it’s shallow to want someone you find beautiful, but Clay was saying that would be his deciding factor and he wouldn't even try if that insane level of attraction wasn't there. AD would go onto pursue her relationship with Matt pre-fall out until he eventually showed his cards, but after he leaves she goes back to Clay!
When you find yourself in a choice where you have two people interested in you, both being a poor fit, it’s not a choice between who is better between the two. It’s a choice of deciding if you will let fear run your life. AD later shares how hard love, finding and keeping it, has been in her life and how she feels like she doesn’t deserve it. In our lowest moments, we can come to the wrong conclusion that someone loving us poorly is better than no one loving us.
We settle for the person who doesn’t treat us well, doesn’t choose us loudly and proudly, and doesn’t see us for who we are. I hope that we all know that the third choice exists which is choosing to not be afraid of being single (I didn’t say alone). Although it may feel lonely, it is worse, 1000x worse, to be with someone who hurts us and can’t love us well.
Eventually when Clay and AD decide to get engaged and meet, he (luckily) finds her beautiful. So, they get to continue their relationship because she met his criteria. While having drinks together, she talks about how her body will change if she gets pregnant in the future, and he responds that he’ll take her to the gym everyday and be a “tough” trainer for her.
Imagine carrying a baby and your husband, all he can think about beyond gratitude, love, and joy, is how to keep you attractive to him. And she’s in shock but she’s not walking away because of her fears. Overlooking these remarks never leads to a happy fairytale ending, and someone’s love for you shouldn’t be based on meeting a conditional like that.
When you’re pregnant, your last worry should be that your husband is concerned because you’re not beautiful to him anymore. That’s not the relationship you should choose for yourself if you know about it. It’s not the relationship you should model for your children.
I am a proponent of knowing the dignity, love, and worth you hold because of who made you. Each person is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) because God is the artist. God already loves you. It’s not to say you can’t want a partner or marriage because God loves you (romantic relationships are part of God’s wiring for some of us). It’s asserting that you don’t need to be ruled by a fear that you can’t be loved or that love is something you deserve or don’t deserve. It is not letting any person decide your value. You are not a stock, your value doesn’t ebb and flow based on who invests or doesn’t. People are not your maker. Only Jesus can provide your identity that nothing and no one can take away.
Takeaway questions:
If this person leaves me, what fears would I have (unlovable, unworthy, not good enough)?
What does God’s word say about me? What is hard/easy to believe?
How much is my worth defined by others (their perceptions of me/them picking me)?
If I wrote down how this person treats me honestly, would I be able to share that with the people I love? Would they be concerned for me?
What did they have that I didn't?
So, obviously this is a Grace original masterpiece so that you could see the dynamics of this love square at play. We have Jimmy, Jessica, Chelsea, and Trevor sitting in a tree-
Okay, I think that we can learn SO much from the story that played out here.
To give some more context, Jessica is the first LIB contestant who is a mom! She loves her kid, and she’s ready to be married and give her child a more traditional family. She meets Jimmy who she really connects with and sees a future with him. Jimmy is also seeing Chelsea who is a flight attendant and self-proclaimed Megan Fox lookalike. She’s also seeing Trevor who has a mullet and he’s a sweet guy from what I’ve seen (pre-allegations).
So with Jimmy x Chelsea x Jessica, he doesn’t find out that Jessica has a child until a few dates later. He’s completely caught off guard, and he eventually says he’s fine with the fact that she has a child. I personally think that it’s up to Jessica whether she wants to reveal that information right away, and she understands if someone doesn’t want that to be part of their life. The thing is Jimmy is allowed to choose a partner without a child guilt-free, but he says it’s not a deal breaker for him he just wishes he knew off the bat (fair point). He’s also interested in Chelsea who has a connection with Trevor. Chelsea has her own past too. When she was 18 she got married and then divorced after 5 years. Neither men say that’s a deal breaker either!
I think that both women being aware of each other’s interest for Jimmy brought in the element of human ego. It’s natural to want what someone else has and to see what another person wants as more valuable. The thing is that Jimmy is not very clear about his feelings for either of them, and as they both, especially Jessica, pour out their hearts to him it leaves them feeling a bit icky he’s so reluctant to choose a lane.
Jessica understandably feels upset after confirming her strong and steady feelings solely for him, and he doesn’t really respond because he’s not set on her or Chelsea yet. Jimmy’s indecisive nature understandably upsets Jessica who also has her child to think about. If he’s so unsure now, adding her child to the mix won’t make it any better. Jessica and her child BOTH deserve someone sure about them, and Jessica knows that. However, I do think single moms especially have it tough in the dating scene, and I wish Jessica walked away with Jimmy’s flip-flopping. Because she’s the one that’s more invested, she’s the only one truly being vulnerable, and of course, she’s going to feel bitter, hurt, resentful, and angry that he’s only one foot in with her.
It’s one thing to know that you deserve someone crazy about you, but it’s another to be ready to walk away from anyone who isn’t. I hope that we know that we all come with our past, and not everyone can accept that but the people who do will be steady and committed to all of us.
After their intense discussion, Jimmy goes on a date with Chelsea who (possibly because she already has a great connection with Trevor) doesn’t pressure him to choose her. He goes on to tell her he loves her! (Yes, after telling Jessica he wasn’t sure who he was going to pick). When Chelsea tells this to her friend (?) Laura who meddles (seriously none of her business) and tells Jessica that Jimmy is the wrong guy for her which leads Jessica to break down.
When Jessica confronts Jimmy, he says that he only figured that out after he had that intense discussion with her. Jessica expresses her anger and says that he ruined her experience on the show. Jimmy is now going for Chelsea!
For Chelsea, she’s now not sure if Trevor or Jimmy should be the one she goes with.
She knows that Jimmy has been uncertain about her for a while, even though he said he loved her, he was just on the fence a few hours ago. Someone not being sure about us can trigger a core wound in our hearts that we should earn love. That love is about winning someone over. We feel like it’s a bigger prize if we worked harder for it when in reality, while love isn’t easy, it is not a competition. If someone really feels equally for you and someone else, believe them, and walk away! Their feelings should be incomparable to anyone else they could have feelings for. It shouldn’t even be close to a competition. Neck-and-neck should be verbage for a race not the beginnings of a healthy relationship!
Someone who is sure about us can be scary, and I think Chelsea felt that from Trevor. He decides to stop going on other dates with other women to focus just on her by his own volition. He’s all in for her, actively expressing it, and he doesn’t pressure her to do the same. I really respect men like this: they know what they want, they’re clear, they don’t waffle, and they’re not doing it to force your hand to do the same. However, when we don’t heal from the past and see our God-given value, we can end up in a situation where we go for the love we need to earn.
All she knows is that Trevor wants her, and when we don’t like ourselves, someone who likes us may feel like someone with bad taste. We criticize them for being so sure about us because we’re not sure we’re worthy of that certainty. Secure love feels foreign while tumultuous romance can feel more familiar. When she rejects Trevor’s proposal, he logically asks her something along the lines of, “If you really want to be chosen and loved, I don’t understand why you’re picking the guy who was between two girls yesterday versus a guy who is all in for you.”
It’s a weird part of the human psyche. We want to be loved and chosen, yet we choose the people who don’t love us or choose us. The rush of anxiety can be confused for butterflies in our stomach. Also, the desire to get something someone else wanted is surprisingly powerful. I feel like Jimmy was already on the fence about having a child be involved in his relationship with Jessica, and Trevor wanting Chelsea also made her a better pick (along with the fact she told him she was a Megan Fox lookalike). For Chelsea, Jessica wanted Jimmy, and it added value to see that.
For Trevor and Jessica, they might feel like “What did this person have that I didn’t?”
Maybe we’ve all wondered that in some shape or form, and I think that if we can use this dynamic as an example, people don’t choose out of objectivity or logic. It’s about “gut feeling” and what provides better perceived social status. Someone might choose someone else over you because they’re more understanding about things that you are very firm on. Your boundaries can and SHOULD deter the wrong people. Sometimes it’s the “wanting what someone else has” mentality, and that has nothing to do with you. Also, sometimes people aren’t honest about what they want.
I think that in these situations where we aren’t chosen, it’s important to understand how to de-personalize the rejection. Someone’s rejection is never a value of your worth. Someone not texting back, not setting that second date, or outright saying “I’m not interested” is not an indication of how everyone will feel about you.
Whatever someone else chose over you, person or not, is valid to them. Learning to grieve, accept, but not internalize those rejections is vital for the health and sanctity of future relationships!
I really liked how Trevor responded to Chelsea’s apology for choosing Jimmy. “You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just loved someone else.”
When we’re ready, we can see that this person’s rejection of us allows for someone else, eager and willing, to step in! If we let it be a learning experience, we learn to get the ‘ick’ from inconsistency, lack of clarity, and indecisiveness!
Later on, we do find out that Trevor actually came on the show for clout, and he was in a relationship while filming. Does this mean that we should avoid every nice person because they could be a liar liar pants on fire? I think this is a great example of vetting someone continually! Looking for signs of deceitfulness, gaps in someone’s story, and getting the counsel of others involved. Consistency is what will be the difference between the real deal and a fake. Yes, many wolves come in sheep’s clothing, and I think Trevor came to play up a persona, but he could’ve been the real deal too!
It takes time to discover a person’s true nature, and if we don’t allow ourselves to cover our eyes we can often see the fruits they’re bearing. “A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.” Matthew 7:17-23
Although it didn’t come out right away, eventually people in Trevor’s life exposed him for his two-faced lies and double life because the truth comes out. Take a person’s words and even actions at the beginning with a grain of salt. We all come pristine and dressed to the nines when we want something. Deceitful people know how to play the role they need to well in order to get what they want.
I think that also show the importance of not dating in isolation. Meeting someone’s friends, community, and family can be of great help when vetting someone. Also, allowing your friends, mentors, church, and community to speak into your dating life can also reduce user error.
Follow up questions:
Do I often choose what feels good for me but isn’t good for me? Even in other areas of life like eating, sleeping, people pleasing tendencies etc.
Am I coming from a place of fear or confidence?
What has this person consistently shown me (not once or just at the beginning)?
What patterns are in my life regarding the people I chose (cheaters, liars, avoidants, criticizers)?
When I am faced with a difficult situation, what are the factors that dictate my choices?
Left to Right: Laura, Jeramey (yes that’s how it’s spelled, I checked twice), and Sarah Ann
Criticism is a Form of Control
Another love triangle because what is reality TV without multiple?
In this little doozy, we meet this cast a bit later than the first groups. Jeramey likes Laura because she’s a straight shooter, family-oriented, and she’s giving wifey-material. Sarah Ann is more brash, louder, she’s proud of her botox and fillers, and she’s just a fun girl! Jeramey chooses Laura for this match up.
For this trio, I have a few topics in mind to share about, and the first one is about the heart of criticism.
I am a firm believer that the standards we hold for ourselves are the standards we use for other people. If I can do it, why can’t they? In my field of work, the most difficult people to work with aren't usually the highest achievers. They spend too much time looking at the flaws of everyone else and themselves. Most doctors that are most prolific in their field, most beloved by their patients and colleagues, and highly appraised by their students are those who set the bar high and add grace. They provide feedback to make you stronger, not to bully you or put you down. They remember what it was like as a student. They don’t use your status as a benchmark for respect given.
However, the worst critics are often the people who ignore their own humanness. They attribute their success to themselves rather than the grace given to them by others. They think everyone should be just like them because to themselves they’re the best. Their journey of overcoming hardships is not a story of resiliency but a story they use to belittle the stories of others. I remember when my grandpa passed away and when I was told the news I was crushed, and my grades actually stayed the same as always. I told my professors what happened and they graciously offered me extensions for projects, but I didn’t use them. I don’t say this to say “look at me, I’m so amazing because I was going through a difficult time and I kept my grades up”. I actually see that as an extension of grace from God, and if someone in my life is struggling with their performance due to a loss in their family, I will not be using my story to belittle theirs.
I think critics can have the mentality of “I went through this and I got through it, so should you” instead of being more understanding to others, they can harden their hearts. Laura exemplifies this right away when she sees Jeramey, and she is quick to vocalize her hatred of his Hawaiian shirts among various other things. She’s actually voicing her displeasure of Jeramey as a person -- the shirts are an extension of him: his autonomy, his preferences, the lifestyle he choses, and how he puts himself into the world.
To be fair, Jeramey isn’t the most mature man, but Laura chose him as that. If she did want someone else, I think that’s fair but she shouldn’t take that out on him. I think of men who dream of supermodel wives who take out their anger on their lovely, normal-figured wives. We would say, wow he’s so shallow and unrealistic! I think he should’ve never married those amazing women if he really wanted something else. Maybe men like that settle, but that's not on her to bear the punishment of his own unmet expectations.
When we focus on someone else’s flaws, we often highlight our own strengths. Maybe Laura felt like she dressed fashionable, and Jeramey’s style (or to her, lack of style) was ruining that image of herself by extension. She took on a mothering and somehow masculine role in her relationship by ordering Jeramey to change clothes into something else, and there’s a scene at the beach where Jeramey shares something Laura told him that was inappropriate about someone else. (It was giving when a child tells Auntie Karen that his mom says she drinks too much). Instead of owning up to her part, she shifts all her anger and blame to him. She not only openly berates him in a public setting with a “I’ll talk to you later, mister” to boot, she disregards how she shouldn’t have shared that information with him in the first place.
Criticism often lacks self-awareness of one’s own flaws. Since you’re the perfect one, you are freely allowed to pick at everyone else. You also meddle into situations you never belonged in. This is shown when Laura gossips and tells Jess what Chelsea had told her (Jimmy saying he loved her), upsetting Jess, and creating havoc under the guise of being a girls’ girl. She even says to Jess “it’s my job to protect you, just trust me, pack your things and go”. Her wording and language speaks to her elevation of herself. Someone who is greater than others (self-assigned protector), and that she gets to tell people what to do.
I think if we find ourselves as a critic of others, we should actually take balance. It’s like an emotional checkbook. If we think, wow that person is SO inept in XYZ, it’s time we took account of the ways we also fall short and maybe it’s not the same area. Actually, maybe it’s time to judge our criticism of others. It’s time to think what if someone was like that to me?
We can blame the other person, “If only they weren’t XYZ, I wouldn’t be so harsh/critical.” Does someone get to be harsh to you because they find you a certain way? And if you really feel so bothered, so out of your mind annoyed, then leave that person alone! If you can’t handle someone with grace, beating down on them won’t make them change, and why would you stay? I’m not saying you need to stay with someone you find unbearable at all. However, if you do stay, there is a better way to go about things.
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-5
What I realized about this verse is it’s not saying never judge, never bring up something someone else can work out, but it’s saying look at the mirror first. Look at yourself in all your flawed humanness, and repent and ask God to change you. Then, I believe we should pray and ask if we are coming from a righteous place when we do bring up a criticism or judgment to someone else. There’s actually a time, place, and way we can do that in love.
Ask yourself:
Why am I so harsh with this person?
What are ways I could have handled them better?
Why does this action trigger me so much?
What does God’s word say about their actions? How can I address them in accordance to that?
What ways am I lacking that I also need grace in?
2. Immature People Will Drag You Down
Jeramey, though, is not perfect and far from actually. Later episodes reveal that after him and Laura are not doing so hot. Jeramey is rightfully upset when Laura publicly berates him, and he responds by saying he wants to leave the show. It’s clear from a third party POV he’s not able to emotionally regulate himself, and his response to difficult situations is not by clear communication but leaving emotionally and physically.
He doesn’t know how to handle many situations properly. When Sarah Ann inappropriately reaches out over social media asking to reconnect if he ever changes his mind, his response isn’t, “I’m happily engaged and this was inappropriate to message me. Please do not contact me again” follow by a block…he ‘likes’ the message and follows her account. He effectively leaves the door open without saying he is. He gets his cake (by telling his fiancee about the message) and eats it too (not clearly showing any sign that he’s closing the door to his ex). Also, if he was really unhappy, he could’ve ended things with Laura then messaged Sarah Ann back. I think that would’ve been fair. He does neither.
In these instances, we must recognize that someone not handling a situation appropriately and clearly is a sign of immaturity. I think the hard thing about immaturity is that it holds the potential of maturity. Jeramey telling Laura about the message was good! However, his follow up (or lack of) was the issue. It’s like a child being able to use the bathroom and not being able to wipe their butt after.
You see the good intention but lack of capability to act as an adult. That’s what can keep us around immature people, we tell ourselves it was good that they did “insert action” at least. We also take lack of malicious intent as a “pro”. I do understand that intention matters, but we cannot take intention alone as the metric for the standard of the people around us. People with good intentions or “not bad” intentions have killed people, the term “manslaughter” is not “murder” because of intentions. However, there are still legal repercussions because someone’s actions still matter and have consequences.
We must take self-accountability for allowing immaturity in ourselves and others. Tolerating immaturity does not produce maturity. Yes, people are growing, there’s a learning curve to each relationship, but there should already be a standard met of maturity with room to still grow and learn when you choose your partner.
Jeramey is eventually caught in a lie when he returns home after “bumping into” Sarah Ann, and he is not home until 6 AM the next morning. Laura catches him in his lies, and it’s honestly a build up of his immaturity. His dishonesty and lack of faithfulness in his relationships is not something someone else should strive to teach him or train him into.
I’m not saying people should be perfect before they enter a partnership. We’re all immature in some ways! However, there should be teachability. If we share that something hurts us, the other person shouldn’t need to be constantly nagged to stop hurting us. There should also be an overview of someone’s character. Are they just overall immature or are there areas that they’re working on and need grace? I think that’s another reason why we should consider the kind of person someone is. We all have moments but they shouldn’t be recurring patterns!
Another thing is that if we find ourselves surrounded by immature people, I believe that it’s a sign of immaturity in us. Maybe you don’t agree, that’s fine, but we chose the people in our lives for a reason. Maybe not family, but at least our friends and partner. Our high tolerance for chaos is a sign of comfort and familiarity with it. I think that we should also recognize that someone’s continual upheaval of our lives can be mitigated on our part even if they’re someone we love.
Some more grounded tips:
Look for someone’s reaction when things don’t go their way
Look at someone’s past relationships as an indicator of how yours will most likely go
Gauge what this person finds as an appropriate response
When you share how you feel in a reasonable approach (because if you come out angry and crazy even if you’re right the other person may not respond well), how do they respond in actions or words?
Are they someone who brings more peace and structure into your life or the opposite?
3. Grass is Greener
When Jeramey chooses Laura over Sarah Ann, I saw something familiar play out on screen in previous seasons. I think it bleeds into real life too when we think that difficulty in relationships is a sign that we’re in the wrong relationship (which can also be the case). However, no matter what relationship we’re in, if we’re in it, then it’s not perfect. Actually, it’s far from perfect, and all relationships require compromise, compassion, forgiveness, grace, and work!
However, once Laura became a reality, Sarah Ann became a fantasy person. I think we are all human, “what if”’s are an inevitable part of decision making. Some risk factors in idealizing another person:
When we don’t know them that well
When we are unprepared for the work that comes in any relationship
When we are disappointed in reality and stay in disappointment
When the other choice was also a good choice but we forget why we chose the choice we did
When we lack confidence in our choices
Sometimes when we really did make the wrong choice and we should have made that choice in the first place
I think that in many love triangles now and before, the unchosen person is living in a perfect world in our head. Not only do they always smell sweeter than roses, smile brighter than the sun at noon, and always tell us how amazing we are, we are also our idealized version of ourselves with them. In this world, we are not easily angered, we’re pleasant, we don’t have work pressure, we don’t have insecurities, and we are able to be perfect with them.
In reality, we are not this person and the person chosen is also a work in progress. We find ourselves wrapped in the reality that love is not free from effort or work. We are challenged constantly to care about someone other than ourselves. We are aware that life is not “me me me” anymore, and that this person also sees us. The real us is a scary person we hide away until someone close enough can see us. We don’t always like that. We want to see ourselves well usually, and when someone doesn’t it can be shattering to our sense of self.
I have to consider that maybe this person you chose or any choice you chose like the Jess/Jimmy/Chelsea/Trevor situation could’ve just been the wrong choice. That’s fair, however, there has to be discernment between making the wrong choice and maybe we weren’t ready for what the reality of the choice we made. What we have may be actually good for us, but it may not be comfortable. Uncomfortable doesn't always mean wrong.
I will say that wisdom must be involved in these distinctions. A healthy discomfort can be that this person wants you to keep in touch with them throughout the day or spend less time out. Maybe they want you to communicate more, and you hate talking about how you feel. Maybe they question your relationships with people who are more harmful than helpful, and you feel complacent and don’t like confrontation. However, they also could be mean and possibly just incompatible with you. Maybe they want you to be more cool and fashionable, whatever that means to them, and they can’t accept who you are. Maybe they cringe at your crooked smile, they find your jokes lame, and they think calling your mom once a day is clingy.
For healthy normal relationships however, these can be very frightening and unfamiliar if we’re used to fantastical thinking. The grass is sometimes greener on the other side because you don’t have to water it. You don’t have to make sure that grass is maintained. You don’t need to buy weed killer, fertilizer, or mow that grass. Your lawn takes maintenance to even stay green let alone flourish and bloom flowers.
In these cases, I think talking with couples who are happily married is the best call. Getting their input on problems you’re dealing with can give you perspective on what are reasonable differences and what you should walk away from. Also, when you have a good sense of what a biblical marriage looks like you can also form your standards around that.
If someone you’re interested in is Christian and the other person is not Christian, that could guide your decisions more. Also, if you want children, to live in a certain area, to get married by a certain timeframe, to have the same political beliefs, to go to the same church, to raise a family under certain beliefs, that will help you navigate the kind of choices you’ll make for a partner and even your personal lifestyle. If both people meet all your standards, then you can definitely choose your preferences, but I would say sometimes we choose our preferences not our standards (especially if we have no idea what those are).
Also, a point is sometimes if you have two choices that doesn’t mean you have to choose either of them. That’s the thing about standards: it's not relative, it's more absolute (although still subjective to change over time with experiences). Sometimes that’s the trap we can fall into when we decide choice A is better than choice B but neither is what we need.
Let’s put into example (completely imaginary):
Person A: smart, funny, kind, likes to travel, well-read, wants to get married 1-2 years of dating, but can be stubborn, has a hectic work schedule, sometimes forgetful, doesn’t mind messes
Person B: good banter, kind, witty, has hobbies you like, would rather take things slower and dates for longer to get to know the person, flexible to your schedule and lifestyle, but doesn’t like to talk about how they feel that often, more easily triggered, can be type A about certain things
I think that it’s based on what you value more. If you want to get married sooner, that may triumph over what you may like in person B because that matters more to you. If you need someone more available, maybe person B would fit you better. However, it’s also fair to say that neither person is what you need, and also that people are so complex. One is not better than another but a person may match your personal lifestyle goals better. No person is without their incompatibilities, and if they listed your traits out, there would definitely be unlikable traits too. You both have to decide that the fit on what matters is there and the parts that don’t fit don’t matter as much, wouldn’t be a deal breaker, and there can be compromise or just acceptance. Valuing the right things will make any choice more streamlined.
Ending Thoughts
What I feel like we can learn from this season is that love is not enough to make a good relationship, and you don’t need to come to a relationship perfect or whole but come as healed as possible, still working towards healing, and ready to get down in the dirt. If you don’t know who you are, what matters to you, and what you need then finding authentic love will be much harder. If you don’t know how to handle someone kindly and share how you feel without bringing someone down, it may be a season to step into working on that before entering a partnership.
There is so much healing that can be done within a relationship if both parties are coming from a place where they want to pour. I think we can get scared of being alone or unlovable because we don’t know we were created in love, that God already adores you like crazy, and that you are a work in progress. I also believe that you should find your partner attractive physically, emotionally, and spiritually and that there should be compatibility and commitment to making your relationship work.
There is a lot that’s outside of our control when it comes to love. We can’t control someone else, how they feel about us, and what they do in response to difficult situations. What we can control is how we view ourselves, how we treat someone even if they are being unkind, and having biblical standards around what behavior and character is acceptable. It’s also important to invite your community of people who also adhere to the same beliefs, standards, and maturity that you believe in. They can be people who act as a gauge for what a healthy loving relationship should look like in case you have rose-colored glasses on!
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