Dear God,
Thank You for this word in Lamentations “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Every morning we are welcomed into more: more of You, more of a day we’ll never get back, and more and more awareness of Your love for us. I appreciate Your “more” in our lives, Lord, You never fail to fill our cups because You first took yours.
Thank You for lavishing love upon on us,
Amen
The Gateway to More
It’s currently 12 AM as I write this and I just put away my study materials because for the past 4-5 months I’ve been studying almost every single day for my board’s exam. It is one of the most daunting beasts, and I hope to slay this dragon once. I’ve had a lot of insecurities come up during this time. It’s not that I feel imposter syndrome, “belonging” doesn’t feel like the right word. It’s just when you’re faced with an impossible task, even though it’s possible (most of us are able to see because it was possible), but that’s my experience.
How can I know every eye drop, systemic drug, and all its uses, side effects, and random facts in between? How can I know so many eye-related conditions, risk factors, drug interactions, and systemic interactions? I don’t just study the eyes -- it’s the whole body covered -- and is it just me or is it overwhelming? I don’t know how my classmates are retaining everything, and I don’t know if I’m just out of the loop.
I think that it all starts with the fact that I was the worst in two subjects growing up -- science and math -- which is blasphemous as an Asian child. Truthfully, I love writing and reading more which is why writing my blog is energizing for me. I would’ve never dreamed of myself as a future eye doctor let alone in the STEM field. I don’t know how, but in my inability, God showed how able and willing and present He would be when He gave me this dream.
I really do see it as God’s grace to get me this far in my journey, but for some reason as I approach this Goliath of an exam, I feel petrified. It’s because I finally see how lacking I am in so many ways. I see how prone I am to distractions. I see how I avoid my weaknesses (those CIE diagrams). I struggle a lot because I know even if I had another 6 months, I don’t think I would be able to learn it all or feel any more confident.
When I reflect on the Bible, I feel comforted to know that God’s greatest heroes weren’t spectacular people, there were no nepo bible babies, the people God chose weren’t famous, rich, smart, beautiful, or special in the world’s eyes. They were special because He chose them, and the people He chose, He prepared.
David was a prime example. He was the runt of his family, forgettable in a family of several strong, tall, ruggish boys. He was a shepherd. David was more poetic, sensitive, romantic, musical, and just…different than what someone would imagine as king. When the prophet, Samuel, came to find who God would choose as Israel’s next king, no one in his family thought of him as an option. David was God’s choice as king. He wasn’t a strong warrior who had slain thousands, he didn’t have a build worth looking twice at, and he didn’t come from any royal lineage. He didn’t need to have any of that -- God chose to qualify him.
When I think about myself, I don’t come from a family of doctors or anything in the healthcare field. I was a first generation child, and I struggled in the two most important subjects it would take to become a doctor. I didn’t have anyone to ask for help or guidance from, and God somehow made a way for me to get into my first (and only) choice school right after I finished college and in the midst of COVID. I don’t know how I got here, especially with what I had with me.
The fact that I’m here wasn’t by my strength, but now I realize that with fuller awareness. I see how little I have in me, and why should that scare me? I didn’t have it before. I didn’t need to have any of it to get here. I rode in by God’s mercies. It’s okay that I’m not enough. I don’t need to be if this is where God wants me. I don’t need to have anything or anyone besides Jesus to get me through this, yet, He provides me with more.
He provided me with mentors, a wonderful community/church, friends inside and outside of school, a supportive family, my health, my functioning brain, my working body, and my resolve to keep going. He gave me Himself and more. The blessing of choosing to walk with God isn’t that I’ll have all the skills, it’s that God will provide me with everything I need in this life. He’ll give me the forgiveness I need. The mercy I’ll need. The freedom I need. He’ll give me it even if I don’t think I need it. That’s the blessing of more in my life.
More I didn’t even ask for.
God Uses What We Have Already
All this is not to say God doesn’t use the raw material we have in us right now. God made us the unique ways we are for a purpose. Even our smiles, our humor, our warmth, our words, and all that we are already. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is when Jesus is preaching to a crowd, and He notices their hunger. Jesus is not cold to the physical us. He doesn’t only care about the spiritual me. He sees the pain, the physical and emotional, he sees the desires for a spouse or child, and he cares about meeting the needs of things we can see.
He came because we were spiritually dead, and He came to offer salvation. He also came to heal the blind, the lepers, and the lame. He came for them too. He comes for us in our needs: figuring out the right career, choosing a life partner, deciding difficult medical decisions, mourning losses, and celebrating new beginnings.
There was a little boy, and I don’t know who he is but when I’m in heaven I’ll ask: did you offer your lunch? It sounds silly, but I want to know does God use what we have only when we offer it? Because Andrew, Jesus’ disciple, offered it for him if he didn’t, but even he didn’t see it as much. At least not enough to feed a hungry crowd of thousands. That’s the thing about God, what we have to offer (maybe we didn’t even offer it) isn’t much for the great need in front of us. That’s not the point. The point is that God can take whatever we have and multiply beyond imagination.
They even had leftovers!
People will see God when we give us -- even the broken parts, the shards, the scars, the shame, the doubt, the guilt, all of it -- and it comes back as a nourishing feast. People see God in us when we give our little because they knew it wasn’t much too. They see that you’re not the smartest or richest person in the room, and that you somehow how you have love, that you are abounding in peace, that you mourn without hopelessness, and that you have passion for a kingdom that isn’t your own. That’s the abundance they’re craving is overflowing in you who had just two loaves and five fish.
I think if the little boy did offer his lunch, it was all he had, and God treasures everything we give to Him. Sometimes it comes in our time spending moments in the Bible or lifting someone in prayer. It’s giving up on a dream we were desperately chasing for our own glory. It’s saying yes even though we know it’ll be harder than the life we would’ve chosen for ourselves. It’s saying no to what we prayed for because what we really wanted was Jesus not the blessing.
I wonder what it means to give like that, but I know that I don’t have to come with a lot. Just me is enough. It is glorifying to God when we come from the little because He lifts us up as we bow ourselves down. Everyone gets to know it wasn’t us -- it wasn’t me who got myself here -- and that brings more glory to Him.
I pray that we will be the work that people realize God has done.
Hope in “Not Enough”
For anyone struggling with not feeling like they’re enough, I want to remind you that it isn’t a prerequisite to being with God. You are unqualified and loved. You are called already. You are God’s first pick. I know it hurts that they left you. I know it’s painful to be passed over for another job. I know it’s like a stabbing pain every time you see someone else get what you wanted -- and so easily.
Maybe you’re thinking “How can God ask me for anything?” out of anger and resentment because you feel like He’s taken more than enough. I’m not sure about whatever circumstances you’re walking through, and the dark night of the soul is a frightening place to be. God will meet you where you’re at. He’ll reach His hand out whenever you’re ready, and He’ll give you His more.
For my fellow burnt out students, I offer You this from Jesus “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
How could Jesus say His burden was light when His burden was a cross? How can Jesus have so much in Himself that it even covers our burdens? No one else in the world understands what you’re going through, even if we’re all taking the same exam or in the same period of life. Only Jesus gets what you’re going through. He knows how tired you are from working so hard and not seeing fruit. He knows it’s not possible if we go at this alone. It’s not by our might or strength that this will happen, it never was, and that’s a good thing. Coming to the end of ourselves leads us to the beginning of Jesus and His perfect work.
Me not being enough is not a horrible realization where I should throw in the towel and curl myself into a ball. It’s actually a chance to surrender, to remind myself of how powerful and mighty God is beyond my limitations, and that His goodness is not determined by my ability or inability.
In this beautiful worship song “His Mercy is More” I was listening to that inspired this blog, I pray this over us:
“Praise the Lord, His mercy is more
Stronger than darkness, new every morn
Our sins they are many,
His mercy is more”
When we focus on the darkness, we will be overwhelmed. Complete the sentence, yes there is darkness and it is strong, but it is not stronger than God, it is not greater than His mercy, and His mercy is more. Focus on the more, focus on the light and hope Jesus has to offer, and walk in the darkness knowing that it is nothing to the surpassing light of the Son of God.
In our weakness, focusing on them will never make us stronger. Look to find strength from Your Savior, He belongs to You, and He offers His strength freely. Goliath is huge when we look at David, but Goliath is nothing when we look to God. Remember there is no one greater than the One fighting for you.
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