Dear God,
First things first, thank You for being who You always are: good, gracious King. Even if I didn’t get this far, You’d be good. Even if I fell flat on my face, You’d be gracious. Even if I didn’t see it in my life, You’d still be King. I love that we can take a moment together, just You and me reflecting on what’s happened and the hope that is to come. I’m excited, but I’m also (only just a teeny bit) afraid of the future. I guess I just have a lot of dreams, Lord, and I’m not sure if we’re on the same page. What does it mean to hold hope but not hold onto hopes? What does it look like to face the dark abyss that is our future and not fall into fear? Lord, I just ask that You’d keep me in Your hands wherever I go. I pray for strength, wisdom, and grace in this upcoming season of my life!
Love,
Grace
The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life” (Psalm 121:7).
Guys, I’m feeling a bit emotional as I write this! I started my journey long before I started optometry school. I started even before I was a twinkle in my mom’s belly at 25 years old (my age now as I write this)! I don’t know how but when God created the vastness of the universe somehow He had me in mind from start to forever. I struggle to grasp what that means because right now I live in this moment. I don’t know what the future holds, and it makes each step in the dark feel like cliff diving. I’m looking for the edge when I finally fall and drop off.
Being a grown up is difficult. I have to make choices that have real consequences and impact other people, and I’ve only got 25 years of limited and short-sighted experiences to make said choices. What’s a girl to do? I deflate a bit inside thinking about it, but in those moments I find myself wondering what it would be like to live the abundant life Jesus promises for all those who believe in Him (John 10:10).
If each year I look back and I question how mature and valid the decisions I made last year are, how can I have any hope about making decisions now? I don’t, is the short answer. The long answer is that my life is somehow a collaborative effort between me and God where the final product somehow doesn’t have my say. I can toil, and that toil usually brings some fruit but to take me where I really need to go, no work or effort could do what only God can do in my life.
When I was younger, I didn’t dream of being a doctor. I just wanted to live a simpler life, and I loved writing. I love writing still, hence why you’re reading this. Yet, somehow God gave me a new dream I never knew I had in me. That meant a lot of things needed to happen. You have to be good at science and math to be a doctor, and those were my worst grades in school! I really don’t understand chemistry still to this day. My tests would be returned stained in red ink from all the wrong answers and my inability to get chemical reactions through my head.
Actually, I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t like a cartoon-y “light-bulb” moment where I suddenly understood the mysteries of the world. Somehow, I found teachers who saw something more in me I didn’t even see in myself. When I got to college, the classes meant to weed freshmen chumps (like me) out, I was able to connect concepts in my mind and get the help I needed to not just scrap by but thrive. I don’t know how God does these things to people. How did He make a shepherd boy into a king? How does He turn fishermen into fishers of men? How does He take what was dead and breathe new life?
When people ask me why I chose optometry, I have a lot of answers. It’s meaningful work to help people to see. It’s a good quality of life. It’s “only” four years of school post-grad. It’s a lot of good answers, but I’m not here only because I chose it for my life. Somehow God brought me here and led me through doors that I had no clue how to open. He prepared me years before I knew for certain situations that I had no idea would help me later on.
The fact God opened these avenues for me doesn’t mean I could sit back and just enjoy the ride. I knocked on doors. I studied endless nights. I practiced my clinical skills with classmates until my poor eyeballs were burning (true story :(..). I gave it my all, and God ran with that. My effort was important yet all in vain without Him. It was more than just passing classes or practicals, it was about shaping my life and the person I wanted to become.
When I look back on 3 years, 3 years feels like nothing in the span of a lifetime, but they have been some of the most formative, incredible, trying, and faith-filled seasons of my life. I have seen how time and time again, God comes through for me without me even asking sometimes. There are battles He’s already won that I don’t even know about. There are battles that He’s already won that I’m in the middle of. There are countless ways that God has been so present, so intimately woven, and so committed to my life even when I wasn’t.
God, I’m sorry for all the ways I was lacking in these few years too. The times I didn’t trust Your promises for me. The ways I took control of situations and didn’t let You lead me. The desire for approval and acceptance that I let rule over me. The fears I had were that I wouldn’t let Your love break through. It’s been a very imperfect journey, yet You continue keeping me.
What does it mean to be kept by God?
I have a great need for wisdom for this upcoming season. I find myself constantly desiring to not make good choices but “right” choices. God, do You want me to be here or there? Do You care about the little details I care about? How does it all work out in the end?
Somehow, God doesn’t give me answers but He gives me Jesus. He doesn’t give me “go left or right”, He gives me hope and redemption in either path. Some paths I’ve taken out of rebellion and disobedience. Some I’ve taken in shaky hopes that somehow God’s will would come to pass despite my limited faith. God, He gives me enough faith to go but not enough to think I could ever go on my own. I need His hands to move mountains and hearts. Sometimes the mountain is me — my worries, my doubts, and my insecurities — and sometimes its external factors and other people.
No matter what the mountain looks like, what is a mountain to the person who created it? In these moments, we must remind ourselves of who God is. God is our Friend, Shepherd, Savior, Redeemer, Strong Tower, Strength and Song, and Heavenly Father. We need the people around us to remind us in the moments we’re prone to forget.
Then we need to remind ourselves of who we are through Jesus. Forgiven, loved, accepted, heard, seen, important, special, pursued, precious, purpose-filled, courageous, and not ever too far from His grasp! A lost sheep that is now found.
Then we hold our view of God with one hand and our renewed view of ourselves in the other, and we understand that although our problems don’t disappear, that we have everything we need to handle what we can and God will take care of what only He can. It’s a collaborative effort. God keeps us but He also invites us to partake in the formation of our lives. He wants us to fight against the odds but surrender to Him. He wants us to come prepared but leave the outcome to Him. Active surrender. Active faith. Choose to give God your all in everything then trust that it’s His final say!
Trust is not saying I don’t care what happens. It’s not minimizing your feelings or the situation. It’s magnifying the cross. It’s viewing life through the lens of all-encompassing love and powerful presence.
God keeps us by sending Jesus to be with us. I love that even the name Jesus, Emmanuel, means God is with us. His pervasive, unrelenting, and uncontainable heart for pursuing us is not just in the past or some distant future, it is here for the now.
Being present in my life can be hard. Lord, You know how much I struggle because I desire control and security in the forms of comfort, people, and material possessions. God wants me to loosen my grip so that I’m not obsessed with having them, but so that I can truly enjoy them for what and who they are. I don’t need someone to be something they’re not. I’m already good, loved, and accepted. I don’t need a situation to be different to have peace and joy. It doesn’t mean I pretend it’s all okay, it means in light of Jesus, there is no lack of hope.
The life Jesus has in store for us is abundant. It’s full of surprises. It’s not what we think an abundant life should look like too. It’s filled with humility that God’s version is greater even when the dark clouds roll in. Sometimes God wants the storm to come so that you reach out your hand.
Growing up, I felt (and still do feel) great pride in my independence. My leadership abilities have led me far. I don’t like to feel needy or vulnerable, it’s so hard. But God wants to relieve me from the pressure of making sure life will be okay. He wants me to be open to connections with people in real, genuine ways even if that looks like getting hurt along the way. In those moments, we can ask God why we even met them if they’d leave scars? I’m not sure why, but Jesus knows better than anyone that love is worth the sacrifice. Jesus knows what it means to rise from the ashes of defeat. Jesus has that power to overcome that He gives to us.
I pray for the destiny that God has in store for you. I keep my destiny in me! I know God will finish His purpose in me, and even if I give up, God will not give up. Jesus finishes the race on our behalf. Jesus perfects the cracks and binds our wounds through His own. He keeps you in His perfect peace.
Closing prayer
Lord, I thank You for who You are to us. I thank You for all the work You’re doing in us and for us. I thank You in advance for all the good that is to come. I don’t think we could do this without You here. You’re not just good and loving, You’re willing and able. You are all that we need to go through life’s trials and tribulations. If nothing can separate us from You, then nothing has the power to destroy us. Sometimes in the ashes of defeat lays the greatest miracles in our lives. Lord, teach us, be with us, and never stop keeping us close to Your heart.
Love,
Grace
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