As I write this my heart is pounding at the idea of finals. Can I really do it?
It’s like running a race with the first “Mile 1” Marker in sight. I remember my first day of school: the jitters. I didn’t understand any of the words my Ocular Anatomy professor was saying about the optic nerve or arteries or veins. I was in a headspin. So much has happened since then!
So many defining moments and memories that will continue to shape who I am today.
I remember the fumbling and confusion as I tried the Lensometer for the first time. I remember not being able to hear a pulse as I did manual blood pressure. I remember my shaking hands as I had 12 minutes to “ret” my patient and ended up doing some simple math wrong because I was so tense.
It’s good to remember these moments of insecurity, not to make myself feel bad, but to see the milestones and progress. It’s hard to see growth in yourself because you’re with you everyday. I’m with me everyday.
God is also with me everyday!
Sunday - April 3
I went to church on my birthday, it was a rainy day. I remember waiting for the bus when this older woman waved me over and told me I was waiting at the wrong stop. Apparently there’s a rush hour stop that I wasn’t supposed to wait for during the weekend. I thanked her for her kindness in telling me, and we talked about the weather and the bus.
I’ve been debating whether to take the train or not, and this woman encouraged me that my safety was important. I appreciated her a lot! I felt like God was taking care of little things for me like even being in the right place for the bus. God is going to make sure I’m in the right place and at the right time for a bus, wouldn’t He make sure I’m in the right place in school? In my life? In my relationships?
God is a ‘right time AND right place’ kind of God!
At service, we learned about having a secret life of intimacy with God. The pastor talked about how secret lives are often thought of as sinful, dark places - but we can’t just “stop” living a life of darkness but we need to transform it into a place of light. A place of just me and God. He talked about how married people have their own secret life of intimacy. You don’t share everything that happens between the two of you.
That’s hard for me -- I am a sharer. I share my life on this blog. I share the good news of God. But God wants just me and Him stuff too. No other eyes. No other ears. There’s a lot of tears and a lot of healing in the secret place. There’s a lot of struggle too.
I bought myself a birthday cake to eat with my family, got my Starbucks birthday drink (an Iced Brown Sugar Shaken Expresso with Oat milk), and some Korean fried chicken. One of my favorite things is eating yummy meals, so this was a great joy for me. I also studied for my Optometric Theory II quiz the next day.
I had a lot of fun the day before (read my blog from last week) with my friends, and it was time to get back to work!
Monday - April 4
Quiz was over, and I had my oscope competency coming up. As I’ve continued in my journey through optometry school, I’ve been gaining more calm confidence not in my ability to succeed but oddly enough in my ability to overcome failures. When I go through failures, I’m surprised by my resilience -- that only God has given me. If you’ve been keeping up with my blogs since the beginning, you’ll know I’ve been working on giving myself more grace! More space to make mistakes without berating myself.
Sometimes we feel like a bad quiz or comp means we’re a big fat failure of life.
That’s the last thing from true when God’s overwhelming mercy can cover anything. Does that mean I’ll never fail? No way! Does that mean God can still do great things in my life? Always.
Optometry school is hard enough without me beating myself up.
I can’t be perfect. I can’t even try to be perfect. I’m exhausted trying. I let it go - not to the wind - but into God’s caring and careful hands.
Tuesday - April 5
I had a impromptu lunch with one of my middle school to ministry to adult life friends! We got to talk about our plans, our lives, and where God was taking us. I’m so thankful because we bumped into each other (accidentally but for God’s timing - on purpose), and we got to plan grabbing lunch.
I also have my seminar class where I shadow. I had pediatrics today, and I was excited! I like kids a lot, and I think about the kind of special care all children need. Patience. Understanding. Going the extra mile. It’s not easy. I think I just treasure how children are so dependent. They need you to do those things. They need their parents.
I used to think it was strong to not need anyone. But now, I’m open and honest about my need. I need prayers. I need help. I need strength from others. I need community. I need church. I need God.
I am a needy person, and I like it! I don’t feel bad about asking for help: please help me. I’m a mess on my own. It’s nice not to feel like I need to keep up appearances. I don’t need to be strong. Our strength is in our need. Our strength comes from piling on the strength others give to us.
I hope that if you’re struggling that you go to someone who cares about you. Don’t bear anything alone. You don’t get a gold star for crying by yourself. For figuring it out on your own. Even if you could do it by yourself, isn’t it better with other people? Don’t you think it’s more fun?
I know people (including me) can be duds. We’re gonna fail you. Disappoint you. Let you down. Care more about us and what we want than what you want. That’s why the foundation of where all my needs are met come from God and other people can be vessels of God’s ability to meet my needs.
Anyone can be a vessel. A lady at the bus stop can be a vessel. They’re all forms of God’s kindness and love to you, so you don’t need anyone to care for you or give you what you want. You need God to meet you and He’ll always meet you.
Wednesday - April 6
Competency! I remember my first time doing o-scope, and it was a blurry haze! I could barely see my partner’s vessel let alone their optic nerve. I was frustrated, why was I having so much trouble?
Then one Friday before midterms, I came to the practice lab -- it was empty except for our supervising doctors. I sat there wondering if anyone would come when finally one of our doctors offered herself as my patient. They both aided me in finding my first optic nerve AND my confidence.
It is such a great thing to be surrounded by caring and capable people that I get to call my instructors.
For our oscope competency, we had to look into each person’s eye and find their optic nerve then match it to 1 of the 5 pictures we were presented. God is super gracious to me, guys, because I totally blanked on my left and right optic nerve. Left optic nerve is on the left side and vice versa, but I got to see the pictures since I was patient first. That wasn’t something I could control, but God even took care of that for me.
God keeps taking care of me in ways I didn’t even imagine I would need help. God provides provision even before I know my need. God is so good to me even if He didn’t do these things, but He does the extra mile. That’s how much God loves me!
Competency went swimmingly. Even my last patient was my friend’s optic nerve that I knew distinctly. It was the only one I recognized without even checking (I did look to double check), but I was amazed that he was my last patient when he was the only one whose optic nerve I could recognize.
I finished with more than enough time to spare, and we went on to learn how to do automated refractions and case history!
Thursday - April 7
Another test, this time for my Integrated Optics II course. The eye has a vast amount of physics, it boggles my brain all the time. Can I tell you the truth? I’m terrible at math and science naturally, I wanted to go to a writing high school and my dream was to become an author, but God allowed me to get into a science high school and get into a variety of science related programs! Eventually, I’m here at optometry school.
I’m not here cause I’m a smart kid -- YOU HAVE TO CHECK MY HS GRADES. I’m here because God will give you what you need for where He calls you to be. He’ll give you brains. He’ll give you hints on what the test will be on (not joking). He’ll provide for you the money you need for an iPad and more.
God did that for me. He’s why I got into school. When I would study, sometimes I would hyperfocus on a weird detail I didn’t notice before and it would be on my exam. God gave me friends to study with. God gave me friends who would give me their basically new scrubs! God gave me a scholarship after I prayed for funds to get an iPad for my studies. God provides for me all the time.
God gave me the opportunity to be here, so even when it’s hard I know God is right by my side.
Thursday was super rainy, and before I left to go home…my friends at school threw me a surprise party with cake and a beautiful card! This was my second surprise party. Wow, I was amazed. I’m so blessed to be loved by so many people. I couldn’t believe that I am so fortunate. I don’t feel like a good friend a lot of the time. I think I feel like I could always be kinder or more loving. I feel regretful of the ways that I know I can show them more love but I don’t, but here they were throwing me a party and celebrating my birthday on this terrible rainy day.
I’m so thankful that God has provided me with a great group of people that I can go to school with.
Friday - April 8
I have to get back to studying soon, but Friday we had our 4 hour combined class where we went through common cases we’ll see in the clinic. Overminused youths, red eyes, cataract issues, and posterior vitreous detachments. These are the moments I feel least prepared for my future because I realize how much I don’t know and the little that I know is already fading.
I hope I can retain all this information when I’m actually in clinic. I feel like a bumbling mess already, but I know that’s gonna be a place of grace too!
My friends and I celebrated the long week with a meal at Ktown where one of my sweet friends treated me to lunch. Showered in love! That’s the storm I get to experience everyday.
Saturday - April 9
I’m writing this after taking 4 hours to watch a 1 hr 40 min lecture. Then I went to study for my Human Bioscience II lecture. I always feel so nervous about an upcoming quiz or exam. Can I do well? Can I perform? Ahhhhh - I hope so! I wonder if anyone else feels overwhelmed by the tsunami that is our classes.
I have a super busy day tomorrow at our school’s Career Symposium, and unfortunately I’ll be missing service this week -- but I’m excited to learn more and be able to network!
Closing Prayer
Dear God, thank You for this past week and this upcoming week. It’s full of provisions. It’s full of laughs and struggles. It’s ups and downs and sideways, but I’m glad You’re here with me. Lord, teach me how to grow in my faith, in my relationships, and to be obedient and grateful for each and every season.
In Jesus’s name I pray,
Amen
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